Hey Hey... Gosh Ive been working non-stop since I come back. Sunday was the only day off I had, and this week, I only have one friday off. Like Ive been doing some extra work for David Jones because my manager is away, my supervisor is sick and the other supervisor got promoted to women's building... Hmmm so even though it's not official, basically Ive been doing some supervisor's work...
Anyway, lately Ive been having coffee and lunch break with a supervisor from children's wear. Just say his name is J. I knew him from a friend of mine, and like we hanged out together once and we sorta just clicked. No almost every time we work the same day, he would pick me up from upstairs and we'd have break together. Like I reckon he's such a nice nice nice guy, easy to talk to. Basically it's just really cool to hang out with him.
The thing is, some people from my floor have been kinda hinting that they think we were dating or something like that. Including some people I really dont like from my floor. And gosh, it feels really good to hear their reaction when they thought something was happening between me and J. Like, I told them that nothing is happening, but inside I want them to keep thinking that there is something happening. You know, like I want them to think "dont mess with Jerome, he's with the higher power."
Hmmm I caught up with J last weekend, and Im catching up with him again this weekend. He asked me to watch a movie with him. Like, hmmmm and I cant help thinking, as much as I know for sure I only want to be friends with him, what does he think of me? I have previously stated that I dont want any kind of relationship with boys at the moment, and like I really hope he gets what I mean, and that is if he was actually interested. Like I dunno, but I hope you guys know what I mean, like I might've read the wrong message. But seriously, if that is so like I thought, I dont want to lead someone on. And ummm how close is too close between an employee and a supervisor?
I came back to Indonesia for a week last, like a week ago. My plan was actually just to see my family, and kinda hoping that I could cry that one year of tears that Ive been holding inside. But I forgot that going home isnt exactly like that. I forgot it was more like a place to pretend that everything in Melbourne is fine. My mom is too weak to know anything that Ive been going through here. I mean, I understand that she has too many things to handle herself. And my sister, she's too caught up in her own family drama that she created.
It was really annoying how everyone seems to think that my only problem in Melbourne is my recent weight loss. People were saying, "you're so thin." and "you're too thin, make sure you eat more." And they came with one conclusion, "that Im too busy working so I stop eating properly." Like in my head I thought, it would be good if it was only that simple. I simply cant believe noone attempted to ask me why I've lost weight.
Like, going home is like a reality check. I didn't have the chance to let go and feel. It was more like finding out that there are more problems happening there. I just had to deal with these problems. I came back to Melbourne and I was very broken. But then I realise, it is not a problem, it's a condition and there is nothing to do. Just deal with it.
Well just some sneak peak of my new book "Recession Fashion".
"Check out vintage shoes from savers. They're about 8 or 10 dollars. And just take them to shoe repair place and get extra sole added. That way it last longer. That should cost about 20 dollars. That means you have a long lasting classic casual shoes for 28 or 30 dollars."
"Vintage jumpers are awesome. Every op shop and second hand shop have them, also camberwell market. Dont worry about the jumbo size, because thats the part of the look. Always try to get the 100% wool. If you are bored of the oversize jumper look, you can put it in a laundry bag, wash them with warm or hot water, then put it in the dryer for at least 2 hours and you would get a distressed shrunken felt jumper. Dont forget to check your dryer every 20 minutes and just keep an eye on it, you dont want to burn the natural fiber."
"If you're bored of your polyester tees, you can change the shape, or create a permanent crease on any parts that you want by spraying a bit of water on it just to get some moisture in it. Then scrunch it in any areas that you want, use rubber band to hold the creases, and then put it in microwave for 3 minutes. Keep an eye on it, and check it every minutes. When its done, you would get permanent crease on your tees. Meaning new tees."
"Everyone should be true to themselves when they choose what they wear. Fashion should be another expression of your personality, your identity, and everything that makes you who you are. It's supposed to accentuate your outer and inner beauty. I believe that people can only truly look good when they know who they are, because then they would know what looks good on them."
Finally I get to post new thing, my housemate led me use his laptop, until I get a new one in a few weeks time. So how have I been? I've been alright actually. You know, still working, stil losing weight, and still dealing with the post break up.
I actually realise that there is no way I can describe how breaking up is like. Like, it's getting better but at the same time it feels like it's just evolving from one phase to another. From numb, to feeling something, to a different kind of feeling, to numb again, and then to different emotion, and so on, but I still believe that its only gonna get better.
I still feel very fucking insecure about myself. Still annoyed by things, still thinking about it, still angry about it, still having that care but disgusted when I think of him and what he did. Still thinking that it's none of our fault, but still thinking that he fucked it up.
There is just no way I can try to describe how I feel. mwa.
Devoooooooo, Im so devo. Well not so much but seriously Im bored of not having any action or even a fling lately. Planning to get my haircut. Planning to go back to uni for fashion degree next year. Still havent fixed my pc. Im bored nothing much with me just busy working again. Like Im still skinny I dont even know what to tell you. Ive been watching all harry potter movie, like Im a geek now. But yeah, I dont mean to be snobbish or stuck up but like I just wanna be left alone when I have a day off I cant be fucked to talk. Mwa mwa, I still love you all. Some of you hehehe. I wanna go out but saving money...
Been working a lot my pc broke so been using psp for facebook been proud of how settled Ive been been proud of how skinnier I am been grateful for my job been grateful for being able to control my spending been happy with new things been so content about what I have achieved been wanting to tell you, you suck, look at me I'm fine and deadly. been thinking, you should be feeling like you made a big mistake.
I finished work, cought up with Kiki and Julia. Just when I was waiting for them I had lots of shits in my head. My mom, my sister's convicted boyfriend (or husband), and those people around me whom sometimes I thought are so pointless to even know them. May be I was just hungover and tired.
But seriously what is it that you get from people who annoy you, irritate you, offend you? Arent we friends because we're supposed to make each other happy? I'm getting tired of investing so much time and effort to people who never even make me feel happy. Why do that? So much more time was even invested in my doomed relationship, and what do I get from it?
I mean, Im through with people's shit. I have my own things to handle. So really, I cant deal with people who want me to cop their shit too. I thought, I can easily replace them with some new people. It's me, I've done that before and I can do that again, anytime I want. I don't even need them. Why stress out about them when I can just chill and do what's best for me.
Another question came into my head. An old question I had every now and then, "Why didnt 'you and I' work out?" May be things are better when you're alone and depending only on doing what's best for you.
I had to shower, Asian way. I finally hung up the phone, turned the heater on next to me. I duck in the big bucket, got some hot water from the basin and pour it on my body. Fuck me, my legs are too long for the fucking bucket. They still kinda stick out from the bucket area, so the water drips everywhere. But I thought it was okey, at least it wasnt as cold as I thought.
And I was wrong. The moment I start scrubbing soaps on my body, I realised how cold it was. Makes sense, no warm water running on you. My heater just seemed to make it worse. I just quickly get another bucket of hot water clean the soap on my body and was just swearing to myself. Fuck this shower shit ass. Fuck my hangover. So I dried myself using the hairdryer. Now, time to wash my hair.
I bent over so my head could get as close as possible to the wash basin. Put my head under the water thingy and put some shampoo. And motherfucker, shampoo went to my eyes. I quickly try to pull my head out from the water basin thing, and knocked my head to the water thingy (you know, the long thingy where the water pours out of it). So I thought enough, Im not doing this anymore. I'd rather shower at my friend's place.
Went to work, surprisingly I was still drunk enough to act nice and smile to everyone. Until, 2pm, and I was out of it. Finished work, cought up with Kiki and Julia, showered at her place. Warm shower, I would never take that for granted ever again.
PS. In case you're wondering what happened with the party... The police came, people had to go inside, no more music. The next day, the neighbours were screaming at them, telling them how outraged they are because of the laneway party. And they got fined. $500 fine...
It all starts with a water stain on the ceiling. Apparently we have some problems with our tiles in the shower cubicle. So that saturday afternoon, during my short coffee break, I got a message from my housemate telling me that we would not be able to use the shower for at least 2 weeks. Fuck me. They said, they need a week to dry the ceiling, and another week to fix it.
My housemate said it's ok because they bought a huge bucket so we can put it next to our small basin, so we can use another small bucket to get water from the basin and pour it on our body while we duck or scoot in the big bucket. Fuck me, it's so primitive. So like what I did when I was little in Indo. Ah another thing, we're meant to put a heater on next to us when we shower coz my housemate said it would be cold.
I completely forgot that I had to go to this big house party that night. It was Macaulay Culkin's theme. I went as Richie Rich for the sake of the irony because I was wearing my $7.50 blazer from savers :P I went with some beers to Carlton North. I got there and oh gosh, one of the best things I've ever seen in my life. It was 3 houses next to each other, and they decided to make this party together, so at the end it was a big party in the alley way. The crowed are also mixed, I guess each house has different kind of guess. Also different kind of music. It was awesome.
I met my old friends. I met many new people. I saw so many hippies. I saw so many rich hippies. I saw college students. I saw the hot jocks. It was great. I met a guy who works for David Jones as well, we properly introduced each other and finally talked that night. And I fucking met one of my happy customer! I sold him a $1,400 worth of suit from Gieves and Hawkes. He seemed happy, he bought it for his interview and he is doing well :) Fucking random though meeting your customers in a house party when you're drunk.
I decided to go home around 2am, I had to work that morning. I remembered, people taking e's only to find out that the neighbours called the cops. So the cops came, and ordered everyone to stay inside and turn off the music. I remembered their bright lights and the alley way. I walked out from the party, run into a pole when catching a cab home.
I woke up the next day having to get ready to work. My mom texted me around 6am. She wanted to talked to me about my sister's shit again. I called her, and just listened to her with my shoulder holding my phone against my ear, while Im brushing my teeth. I was just listening to her crying. And I realised I couldn't use the fucking shower. Fuck me...
Dude, dont you think we all have to go to cinema now. Right NOW? With the fucking swine flu pandemic, its only a matter of minutes til it reaches Melbourne. When that happens, they would close cinemas (and possibly bars too?) just like what happened in Mexico, to minimise the risk of viral infection outbreak. So go to cinema tonight. You might not be able to do that tomorrow.
I've got to get ready to work in about one and a half hour... I havent done jackshit since this morning and that's what I hate about working in the afternoon, I just can't do anything... Anyway I feel like going out for a few drinks tonight, just a few drinks coz I have to work tomorrow morning... and sunday as well. Ah well my partying days are over I should be more serious from now on.
I met my ex'es cousin yesterday, she was somehow very bitchy to me (always has been) and she was telling me that she works next door to my apartment. She did mention it was boring job. Now is it just me or everyone around me have been bitching about works recently. Like I do bitch about work too but I think Im used to it by now. Im not saying that bitching about your work is bad, in fact everyone do it. And then she asked me how is everything with David Jones, and I answered, the same answer I give to everyone who ask me the same question, "I dont love it, but yeah it's a job. I dont hate it. I simply dont want to sweat about it too much. At the end of the day it pays."
Like I think it's called work for a reason. People have to "work". Now you dont always have to love what you do. I mean you would be one of a thousand super lucky people if you get your dream job and loving it. But again, there would always be those days when you're stressing out about it. Because that's what work is. So bitching is fine, but seriously dont sweat it too much. If you dont like it then quit it. Dont let the negative energy affect you.
Anyway, I cant be fucked doing anything at the moment. Listening to Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Zero. Im gonna get up and make myself some milky oatmeal, and may be some pancakes as well. Shit, I have to do the dishes. I still miss my family a lot, Im jealous of people who have their family around. It's just not fair sometimes. Like I mean, I have done so many things recently and my mom and my sister arent here so I can share it with them.
Oh well, Im not being a drama queen. I dont like them. Im gonna eat my breakfast and then go to work, hopefully Achira or Tara would be working the shoes department so I could hide in the shoe reserves and sit down and have our own little bitch, and probably try a few shoes...
I have a plan in my head. It seems perfect to me but to everyone else it might seem very selfish, immature and a little thoughtless. I want to go back to uni next year doing fashion. I don't want to do any accounting job. I want to keep doing fashion. That's what I want to do. But then doesn't that mean all this 4 years of hard work and money that I spent on my degree would go to waste?
Hmmm nothing much. Went home from work and had dinner and watch tv for a bit. And then I nap for about 2 hours so I cant sleep right now. Good thing that Im working at 12 tomorrow. I have been working a lot lately. And its great. Im loving it, this is what I wanted. A routine. I work, go home, dinner, chill, sleep, and work again and so on. And I still get to have fun in weekend or whenever I can. Did I tell you David Jones loves me and they offered me a part time position? I feel so proud of it. Yes I know, its only a retail job, and I think I deserve better than that. But come on, it's David Jones and I only started working for them in November. You know, it's another prove that hard worl pays. I hate the work politics though. But I think Im doing it well :P
I havent been going out, so it's good. Only planning to go for Amar's birthday this saturday, and I will not be going out. Im only going to the dinner. I feel fine so far. No boys at the moment but it's good. You know I cant be with any of them at the moment anyway.
Hey, Im starting to kinda realise that I unconsciously never really believe or at least I never really think of keeping a long term relationship. I dream of it, but I just dont think that I actually have the gut to keep it as a long term. You know, growing up as a muslim in Asia, with a lot of responsibility for my family, it's just somehow not my priority. Like what I mean is, I want it but somehow lately I've been realising that compared to many of my friends, I dont think as much about actually having it or trying to get it when I think of my future. Somehow it's just not one of those priority to me. When I think of the future, I picture happyness from career and success, and keeping my Mom and my sister happy.
It's getting late and Im talking more non-sense. Ive been spending my money better lately. Especially since I moved to Jonny's apartment and work regularly. I cute down my smoking to only 2 packs a week (from a pack a day). But it doesnt mean that I put some money on my saving. See this is how it works for me. I spend half of my salary on shopping and also as always good money and good wine, and then the rest I somehow try to manage living on the rest of my money. I started to realised that shopping and those dine out makes me happy. Im still however sometimes think of how much money I had before, how much my Mom would send me. I was rich. Im just scared that Im gonna end up being that kinda person whose happyness only depends on how much he earn and how much he can spend.
Have a listen to Hey Little Rich Girl by The Specials.
WHAT WAS YOUR: 1. last beverage = Summer Strawberry ice cream and milk. 2. last phone call = Andrew 3. last text message = to Sasha 4. last song you listened to = Vampire Weekend, Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa 5. last time you cried = few months ago
HAVE YOU EVER: 6. dated someone twice = no and I dont really believe it 7. been cheated on = hopefully not 8. kissed someone & regretted it = yes 9. lost someone special = yes... 10. been depressed = very super sad yes but I dont think I was depressed, its a big word 11. been drunk and threw up = yeah not so bad anymore, I think Im well trained.
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: 12. wine-red 13. navy 14. black
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009) 15. made a new friend = yes, many of them actually. 16. fallen out of love = kinda 17. laughed until you cried = yeap, drunk night in denpasar, with Liz, Mary, Budi and Leo. 18. met someone who changed you = Yeah I love people who inspire me. 19. found out who your true friends were = everyone is my true friend hahahah 20. found out someone was talking about you = yes and I made sure the got what they deserve too. Asshole. 21. kissed anyone on your friend's list = yes
THINGS THAT DESCRIBE ME: 22. how many people on your friends list do you know in real life = All but one, but this guy taught me spanish. 23. how many kids do you want to have = I either wanna have 3 kids or no kids 24. do you have any pets = I wanna have cats and may be puppies. 25. do you want to change your name = I dont think so but I want to use my dad's last name so I would be: badra hariadi. 26. what did you do for your last birthday = I had a fantastic dinner with my ex at seamstress. Loved it. Got home and found my friends made a surprise party! 27. what time did you wake up today = 8 am! 28. what were you doing at midnight last night = watching Skins in bed. 29. name something you CANNOT wait for = having enough money to go overseas and do a fashion degree. 30. last time you saw your mother = Last year in August. 31. what is one thing you wish you could change about your life? = hmmm I hate saying there are quite a few... But hmmm I wish I'd be taking more chance in life. 32. what are you listening to right now = Done Done by Frankmusik 33. have you ever talked to a person named Tom = I talked kissed and slept with Tom. 34. what's getting on your nerves right now = Some stuff from work. 35. most visited webpage = Facebook and youtube 36. what's your real name = Badra 37. nicknames = Andra, Andha, dra, B, Badj, Baji. 38. relationship status = single 39. zodiac sign = Gemini 40. male or female? = male! 41. elementary? = SD Islam 3 42. middle school = SMP 1 pekalongan 43. high school/college = SMU 1 Jalan Kartini 44. hair color = black 45. long or short = short boyish short 46. height = 174 cm 47. do you have a crush on someone? = yes 48: what do you like about yourself? = HmmI eat a lot and I stay thin? 49. piercings = none 50. tattoos = no, I want to but my Mom will kill me 51. righty or lefty = Righty
FIRSTS : 52. first injury = I poked my forehead with a metal stick when I was 4, I still have the scar 53. first piercing = not yet? 54. first best friend = Ina and Achonk 55. first sport you joined = swimming 56. first vacation = I think my family took me to Borobudur but I cant remember, I have the pics. 58. first pair of trainers = Something white with a blue tick.
RIGHT NOW 59. eating = I stop eating at 9. 60. drinking = water 61. I'm about to = watch skins and sleeps 62. listening to = Billie Holiday "Glad to be Unhappy" 63. waiting on = sleeping
YOUR FUTURE : 64. want kids?= Not so sure but most likely no. 65. get married? = Not so sure. But would love to have someone. 66. career? = Top Fashion Design Job in New York 67. lips or eyes = eyes 68. hugs or kisses = Hugs but dont mind kisses as long as it's slow, soft and intense... 69. shorter or taller = taller 70. older or younger = I somehow have this rules, only 4 years gap. Preferably older, but dont mind younger as long as I can be proud of it. 71. romantic or spontaneous = Spontanious, thrilling. 72. nice stomach or nice arms = Nice arms... 73. sensitive or loud = in between 74. hook-up or relationship = relationship but I dont want something restraining 75. trouble-maker or hesitant = in between.
HAVE YOU EVER : 76. kissed a stranger = yes 77. drank hard liquor = yes 78. lost glasses/contacts = dont need them 79. had sex on first date = nope! 80. broken someone's heart = I might've 81. had your own heart broken = yes 82. been arrested = no, I have good lawyers! 83. turned someone down = yes, but I regret it so much! 84. cried when someone died = yes yes I have feelings too 85. fallen for a friend? = nope
DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 86. yourself = only when I tell myself to 87. miracles = not really. 88. love at first sight? = all the time, cintaku hidupku duniaku bahagiaku harapanku 89. heaven = yes 90. Santa Claus = NO! 91. kiss on the first date = duh yeah. 92. angels = Not angels with wings. Just angels.
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY: 94. had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time = No and Never will 95. did you sing today? = more like humming. 96. ever cheated on somebody? = never and that something I know I wont do. 97. if you could go back in time, how far would you go?= Just the time when I still have my family around me. 98. if you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = one of those drunken days with good food good wine good cocktails after a whole day shopping 99. are you afraid of falling in love? = I love having a crush, but love is a different story. 100. posting this as 100 truths? = nooooooooooo!
Duhai senja, dan hari kemarin. Berapa senjakah harus berlalu senyap warna jingga agar senyapnya merasuki pikiran kalutku yang buntu. Musim dingin sudah menghangat, yang hangat sudah membeku tapi otak dan hatiku tidak kian surut beradu. Asmara masih merah bagai lahar menyeruak sebagaimana pula amarah dalam duka dalam sepi dalam hidup yang semakin nestapa. Duhai senja, akulah satu jiwa yang tersesat di hari yang lalu.
I borrowed Skins from Josh, I didnt even know what that would be. I just thought I want to stay home and watch dvd. But goooooosh, its fucking awesome! I love it. I finally love a teen tv drama! And I have borrowed season one and two, so I'll be watching one episode everynight!
Thing is, I kinda thought that Tony is cute. Not like physically cute. But it's his coolness, and naughty ness, and he'a a bad boy, and he's tall and I dont know, something about his look is very cool. Check out this video from the first season ep one, when he sings, I like the second version in this video. But how wrong is that that he is actually only 19, like what the fuck is with me and younger boys lately? Like I think Im old now and Im still trapped in my 18hoodness. Even gross when I showed my housemate this show, and he said, "He looks familiar. He looks like the boy from that movie About The Boy, Hugh Grant movie."
And he was right, Tony was that little boy from that movie. Gross. But good to know some kids are actually growing into good looking boys.
So a hotboy I had a fling with ended up being trashy and get into a relationship with this fashion-try~hard trash. Not that I care but who doesnt secretly wish that the guy you slept with would somehow be in love with you? Not necessarily a serious kinda love but I think everyone secretly hope that he would be into you more than you're into him.
Anyway, despite the fact that I'm secretly annoyed, I really find that super sweet. I mean, I find it sweet how two trash, find love in each other. Like, it's just a solid proof that love isnt only for people on TV. You dont have to be classy or have a good life to be in love, and to be lovable. It's like there is something sweet about how they see each other beyond the trashiness that other people see in them. It's just like Shrek, but instead of ugly fat ogres, they are two trashy boys. Sweet.
I know I havent blogged for a while, and not because life is boring at the moment. A lot of things happened. I got an interview with Emporio Armani, moved back to my old apartment, and mary left yesterday. Good thing is, I finally got my residency yesterday! At the moment though my computer is dead, so Im actually doing this from my PSP!
So yeah, last saturday' weather was so shit/great? I mean it was cold, cloudy, dark, grey and rainy. But it was to me the perfect day to stay in. Especially since I kinda went out on friday night. So i decided to get groceries, cooked some green thai curry, bought some meat pies, and strawberry ice cream. Mary went out that night so I had the whole apartment for myself. Plus i had sunday off. So the result was, the perfect saturday night in. I ate 4 bowls of curry and rice, in my sofa under my blanket, then have 2 meat pies, and had around 5 portions of ice cream plus milk. I was watching dvd too... aah I fell asleep like a baby. And I loved it.
I had good one last night. I finished work, and finally having a day off, watched confession of a shoppaholic, and went for dinner, and then one gin and tonic, and then catching up with Phillip, and so good to see him so happy! I didnt get drunk, went to IQ fully sober and again enjoying meeting people with my soberness. I feel so sophisticated, and I love that feeling. It's like a substitute for alcohol-fun. I like just smiling and just be classy and give them a good impression about myself... mwa mwa, life is hard I'm not gonna make it harder.
Seriously in love with this song at the moment. It's like a happy song! And oh my goodness, totally love what Andre 3000 is wearing here. He's the most stylish, I'd love to look like that!
So I spent my saturday night at home. Quiet, nothing eventful. I didn't read, didn't watch any movies, didn't cook or eat, didn't drink anything. It felt horrible. The lonelyness felt so aweful I could cry if I want to. I talked to my sister friend on facebook and found out (this time for real) that my sister is married. She didn't even tell me...
And then there I was, lonely, sober, and thinking "How many thing have I had to go through this past 4 months?" First, breaking up with Tim, and then I was broke, I haven't got a proper job that could pay the bill. And then Denny left, Mary is leaving, I had a fight with her for a while, and I had to find a place to live because I can't keep this apartment, I could probably be homeless. But somehow I feel like I can deal with this. I think Im stronger, and Im gonna be fine.
So today, I woke up, went to the Victoria Market, wearing my new outfit. Went there alone, and had fun grocery shopping. Bought some salmon steak, some meat and vegies, and of course, mangoes. On the way back I saw this band playing, I knew them, I saw them before! I love them, The Frowning Clouds, they're so young but they're like the Rollingstones of Melbourne! They were singing Im Alright, and I felt like, "yeah Im ok. I just need to get things right from now on." So I decided that Im gonna do the right things this time. No more excessive drinking, and try harder to get a job. And it will be fine.
By the way last night I had a dream, someone was telling me a secret recipe for the perfect soup. Bu then when everyone left, this mysterious person whisper in my ear, "Believe me, it's only salt and pepper." Yeah I woke up and I thought, it was like a scene in Kung Fu Panda. But it might be right, sometimes it only takes some simple things to make it perfect...
"I'm still friends with them (activists and humanitarians) even though we don't see each other that often. They're like a bridge to me. A bridge to the real world, they help me help do something to save the world and help people in Africa."
Jarome Jackson on being humanitarian.
"It's such a fucking fuckery. He only does that coz that's the only thing that makes him feel human."
I heard someone said to me, "I think, he's just such a boyfriend material." And after that I can't stop thinking, "What exactly is a boyfriend or girlfriend material like?"
So here it is some sketches ispired by Billie Holiday. I read her brief life story and was so inspired by her strugles and determination. Also, this is a part of the Back To Black Collection, so it's still all about tragedy, doomed love story, and dark. I think Im gonna use the song below for the fashion show as well!
Ok seriously, if you are reading this, please read the previous blog entry first because that one is super important to me... I feel chatty, may be Im feeling lonely. May be I need to talk. But I feel fine. I cut my arm yesterday (ladder accident) so I find it hard to type. But yes may be Im feeling lonely. And it's good and bad at the same time. Just me, the night, and a glass of my cheap nice merlot. Billie Holiday is singing Moonglow for me. And somehow wine just taste sweeter. Im not planning to go out this weekend, but may be I should. You know what a lonely heart can do, right? But again my heart has died, so it seems that I could use some friends around me without having to spend too much money.
I started to think it's stupid to spend money on alcohol. Money can buy me time with friends, but alcohol makes me forget all the fun. And dear friends, answer my stupid question. What do people do when they have nothing to do? What if there are a lot of time and nothing to do? I tend to think, and I dont like thinking and feeling.
Ah, life can be maaaarvelous but what do people do to make life marvelous? Billie Holiday is being such a darl for singing Moonglow one more time. Tell me, what does a lonely person with limited money, and a lot of time to spend, do to make life maaarvelous? Ah my heart has died, I don't know how to feel things properly.
Yesterday was the exact 10 years after my dad's passing away. I prayed for him, I hope he find some peace. I miss him a lot, I can't even describe it. Imagine you want to talk to someone so bad, but he's just no where you can find. Can't text him, can't call him. But I still feel him around when I miss him. I love him, always. The only man I ever love LOVE...
By the way he taught me so many times, that the only constant is change. Sounds like a theory in a management subject, yeah? Well, it is. But, it really does apply in everything, I guess it is an absolute thing. Ah and these past few months, you guys might've known, that there are soooo many changes I have to go through. The most recent one would be, Denny. He went home for good. And yesterday I found Mary's going home for good too. And I feel like this is too much for me... Like, how many times do I have to say goodbye in 6 months? I hate goodbyes.
Another problem would be, my apartment. Mary's not here, meaning I have to find a new place. Im totally screwed. I would love to get a cool new place, but at the same time, I dont have money. See, Im not as rich as I used to be anymore. (I was really rich). And I need to get a good job, a real job. Get money and get new place. It all seems too much for me. I don't know how Im going to handle this. On top of everything, I can't believe my sister just couldn't care less about my shit, and just get self-consumed with her own shit, and her shit husband and her fug step kids shit.
Good thing is today I got paid. So I had an ok (but not so fabulous and definately cheaper) lunch with an old friend and just bitch about what shit that we'd been through. Then had 2 beers at Matchbox. Yes dear friends, only had 2 of them. I could not afford my old fabulous lifestyle, drinking from 1 pm till 1 am. I could not afford them. But good thing again, I decided to cook myself some carbonara, bought a bottle of nice Merlot for 7.50, and bought 2 mangoes. Dinner, nice wine and mangoes. It is probably the new lifestyle I should be living. It was fantastic, in a simpler way. I must be getting use to this, and I should enjoy the simpleness and sweetness of this. I will be going to bed soon, with one of the fashion book I borrowed from city library. Voila, sweet simple life.
Back again, I know I still have lots of shit I have to deal with. But I think I will deal with it one by one. And as my dad said change is the only constant, meaning I should try to work with the changes because it will always be there. And yes sometimes I have to work harder, but it is life, and it can't always be easy. But at least hard work will get you somewhere better. So I will get myself new friends, and somehow new place to live. Wish me luck... mwa mwa.
