Fuck Me, Frowning Clouds!

So I spent my saturday night at home. Quiet, nothing eventful. I didn't read, didn't watch any movies, didn't cook or eat, didn't drink anything. It felt horrible. The lonelyness felt so aweful I could cry if I want to. I talked to my sister friend on facebook and found out (this time for real) that my sister is married. She didn't even tell me...

And then there I was, lonely, sober, and thinking "How many thing have I had to go through this past 4 months?" First, breaking up with Tim, and then I was broke, I haven't got a proper job that could pay the bill. And then Denny left, Mary is leaving, I had a fight with her for a while, and I had to find a place to live because I can't keep this apartment, I could probably be homeless. But somehow I feel like I can deal with this. I think Im stronger, and Im gonna be fine.

So today, I woke up, went to the Victoria Market, wearing my new outfit. Went there alone, and had fun grocery shopping. Bought some salmon steak, some meat and vegies, and of course, mangoes. On the way back I saw this band playing, I knew them, I saw them before! I love them, The Frowning Clouds, they're so young but they're like the Rollingstones of Melbourne! They were singing Im Alright, and I felt like, "yeah Im ok. I just need to get things right from now on." So I decided that Im gonna do the right things this time. No more excessive drinking, and try harder to get a job. And it will be fine.

By the way last night I had a dream, someone was telling me a secret recipe for the perfect soup. Bu then when everyone left, this mysterious person whisper in my ear, "Believe me, it's only salt and pepper." Yeah I woke up and I thought, it was like a scene in Kung Fu Panda. But it might be right, sometimes it only takes some simple things to make it perfect...

Humanitarian Jarome

"I'm still friends with them (activists and humanitarians) even though we don't see each other that often. They're like a bridge to me. A bridge to the real world, they help me help do something to save the world and help people in Africa."

Jarome Jackson on being humanitarian.

"It's such a fucking fuckery. He only does that coz that's the only thing that makes him feel human."

And Nikolas Karageorge is not happy.

BF/GF Material

I heard someone said to me, "I think, he's just such a boyfriend material." And after that I can't stop thinking, "What exactly is a boyfriend or girlfriend material like?"

Billie Holiday Inspired

So here it is some sketches ispired by Billie Holiday. I read her brief life story and was so inspired by her strugles and determination. Also, this is a part of the Back To Black Collection, so it's still all about tragedy, doomed love story, and dark. I think Im gonna use the song below for the fashion show as well!

Just Me, The Night, And a Glass of Merlot

Ok seriously, if you are reading this, please read the previous blog entry first because that one is super important to me... I feel chatty, may be Im feeling lonely. May be I need to talk. But I feel fine. I cut my arm yesterday (ladder accident) so I find it hard to type. But yes may be Im feeling lonely. And it's good and bad at the same time. Just me, the night, and a glass of my cheap nice merlot. Billie Holiday is singing Moonglow for me. And somehow wine just taste sweeter. Im not planning to go out this weekend, but may be I should. You know what a lonely heart can do, right? But again my heart has died, so it seems that I could use some friends around me without having to spend too much money.

I started to think it's stupid to spend money on alcohol. Money can buy me time with friends, but alcohol makes me forget all the fun. And dear friends, answer my stupid question. What do people do when they have nothing to do? What if there are a lot of time and nothing to do? I tend to think, and I dont like thinking and feeling.

Ah, life can be maaaarvelous but what do people do to make life marvelous? Billie Holiday is being such a darl for singing Moonglow one more time. Tell me, what does a lonely person with limited money, and a lot of time to spend, do to make life maaarvelous? Ah my heart has died, I don't know how to feel things properly.

The Only Constant Is Change

Yesterday was the exact 10 years after my dad's passing away. I prayed for him, I hope he find some peace. I miss him a lot, I can't even describe it. Imagine you want to talk to someone so bad, but he's just no where you can find. Can't text him, can't call him. But I still feel him around when I miss him. I love him, always. The only man I ever love LOVE...

By the way he taught me so many times, that the only constant is change. Sounds like a theory in a management subject, yeah? Well, it is. But, it really does apply in everything, I guess it is an absolute thing. Ah and these past few months, you guys might've known, that there are soooo many changes I have to go through. The most recent one would be, Denny. He went home for good. And yesterday I found Mary's going home for good too. And I feel like this is too much for me... Like, how many times do I have to say goodbye in 6 months? I hate goodbyes.

Another problem would be, my apartment. Mary's not here, meaning I have to find a new place. Im totally screwed. I would love to get a cool new place, but at the same time, I dont have money. See, Im not as rich as I used to be anymore. (I was really rich). And I need to get a good job, a real job. Get money and get new place. It all seems too much for me. I don't know how Im going to handle this. On top of everything, I can't believe my sister just couldn't care less about my shit, and just get self-consumed with her own shit, and her shit husband and her fug step kids shit.

Good thing is today I got paid. So I had an ok (but not so fabulous and definately cheaper) lunch with an old friend and just bitch about what shit that we'd been through. Then had 2 beers at Matchbox. Yes dear friends, only had 2 of them. I could not afford my old fabulous lifestyle, drinking from 1 pm till 1 am. I could not afford them. But good thing again, I decided to cook myself some carbonara, bought a bottle of nice Merlot for 7.50, and bought 2 mangoes. Dinner, nice wine and mangoes. It is probably the new lifestyle I should be living. It was fantastic, in a simpler way. I must be getting use to this, and I should enjoy the simpleness and sweetness of this. I will be going to bed soon, with one of the fashion book I borrowed from city library. Voila, sweet simple life.

Back again, I know I still have lots of shit I have to deal with. But I think I will deal with it one by one. And as my dad said change is the only constant, meaning I should try to work with the changes because it will always be there. And yes sometimes I have to work harder, but it is life, and it can't always be easy. But at least hard work will get you somewhere better. So I will get myself new friends, and somehow new place to live. Wish me luck... mwa mwa.

It Was Friggin' Huuuuuuuuuge!

I saw, I touched, fuck it was huuuuuuuuuuuuge! Like it.

What Could've Been

It could've been our first anniversary today. Oh well, nothing last forever eh?

Something So Addictive

I made out with a guy last night. He was possibly one of the most good-looking guy I've kissed in my life. It was even better, I had to work for it. I had to steal him from someone else he was kissing. He's tall, dark, and handsome, and an excellent kisser. He has this really deep voice, very sexy. Oh he's only 18. Basically super charged with hormones. So let me say it, don't you think an 18 year old boy, and a broken hearted (and confused and drunk) boy are a good match for a playful make out session?

I gotta tell you, I didn't sleep with him. But may be I would like to just sleep next to him and hug. Believe it or not, it made me feel so good. I spent the whole day trying to figure out why it felt so good. And then I got it, those kisses and all, they make me feel attractive again. I feel like I still deserve someone to give me some attention, someone to make me feel like Im wanted.

For just one night I got to feel good about myself again, and forget about the break up, and all the insecurity that comes with it. I get it now, why people do that. Yet I won't go that far, like sleeping around. Because the effect doesn't last that long, but it is super addictive. I want more of it. I want more attention, I want to feel good again.

Day Dreaming

Isn't he cute? Look at me, and smile, and I faint.

Jarome Talks About Insecurity

When I think of it, I remember I couldn't deal with my insecurity. Like, I mean, Im still kinda insecure now. Breaking up sort of makes me feel even worse about myself. Im scared to talk to people about what I really feel about thing, and sometimes I overexaggerate what I really feel.

I just couldn't deal with it. I would go out, get drunk and trashed and be a total bitch. Then I would throw a glass of drink on some random annoying person on the dance floor. I would leave with my friends at the end of the night, and I remember ranting "I need a good lawyer! I need a good lawyer!" And when I woke up in the morning, I felt really aweful, I knew I shouldn't've done that. So I would drag my hungover ass and dizzy head to a supermarket, and make cakes and cookies. They sorta make me feel less guilty.

Gayrobic Party

Gayrobic party last night. It was sooooo much fun, and there was this mistery hot guy, ah he left 10 minutes after I got there. But yeah. And that hot cocky guy is there, love the arrogance and like Im snobbish, he's cocky we belong together. At one point fucking straight bogan neighbours trying to come to the party, but they we're so rude, they thought by coming in in their underwear they can show some masculinity and shit. Like it's just gay what they did. Then we got a performance by some girls outside, and we all started dancing on the street. By the time we came back inside, those 3 bogan guys were inside, fully naked. Taylor kicked them out and they were pissed. What the fuck...

It was so much fun. Mwa mwa, party me up.

Gallery Opening, Fuck Me

I went to Skin and Bones Opening just then. Interesting and fuuuuuuuuck, these people are so talented. You should check it out on the 117 Little Lonsdale, Bus Gallery! My favourite would be Kiki Ando's Mary and Jesus cape and the Elephant made out of paper next to it. It's Maaaaaaarvelous.

And one thing, I realised there's no better place to meet hot guys other than a Gallery opening... And so many thin attractive thin people... Fuck me. In the toilet. Ah it's getting to hot. Im getting a haircut on friday, so hopefully I can look good for the gallery opening this saturday night!!!