Pre Break Up Anniversary

It's almost a year since we broke up.

I can't believe how fast time goes

even thinking about it gives me a goosebumps

like I had this sudden emotional feeling

a year since that beautiful relationship ended

and thinking about things I went through the past year...

like I could cry thinking about all the ups and down

the denial, the decision to not get back together

I remember avoiding him, missing him,

crying for him, and striving to block out all the feelings

the many insecurities, the anger I had to him and the world

and not to forget... all the drunken nights

And the past week Ive been feeling emotional

its almost a year...

I keep feeling like I should see him

and find out how he has been

its almost like an unfinished business

I guess some part of me just really miss him

so I decided to text him and asked him to catch up

So we did today

I hugged him when I saw him

I knew I missed him. a lot.

I knew I still care a lot about this guy

and all the anger just disappeared

it was kinda awkward at first

but we ended up talking just the way we used to

The thing is, I then realised that he hasn't changed much

he's still very immature, hanging out with his young friends

and complains about work, and somehow

I felt like some part of him is okey or even

proud of that early-20-ish attitude.

And I guess that was why he broke up with me as first

you know, the indecisiveness, the self centred ness

I cant help being emotional looking at him

like this guy, I just wanna hug him because I miss him a lot

yet I know for sure that things are never going to work out

and that is the reason why I didnt want to get back together

Im a logical person, and I dont do things that wont work out

I went home after saying bye to him

and giving him another big hug

on the way home, I found myself back to the old question

this question was in my head a year ago

"When it comes to love and relationship,

should we be following our heart, or our brain?"

Rockin' It With King Kong

It was funny in the weekend

Like I was planning to go out fri, sat, sun night.

Friday was a big fail, terrible weather

it was supposed to be dj Sammy Jo at Closet on friday

I went and it was so dead... so I left early

then saturday I have a friends house party

again shit weather, so I stayed in

and then sunday and another shit weather

it was Gay Bash at Sorry Grandma

I went and it was one of the best party ever...

Olympic Games was the theme that night

you get in and they will give you a fake drug test

I came out negative

people were dressing up like athletes

and Grecian god/goddess

I wore my black draped cowl neck top

Everyone danced and have fun

people introduce themselves to me

everyone was so friendly and drunk

my new BFF introduced me to his model friend

he's straight, but yeah whatever, he's a model in a gay party

he kissed me on my cheek and said you smell so good.

I smiled, thank you, and left and danced again

my BFF also know this other slightly less hot model

but this guy was dancing topless

and everyone threw themselves to him

and so I did

I danced near him, and when he started lookin at me

I grab his muscular arm and danced closer to him

I didnt expect anything

just me dancing body to body with a model

he's just perfectly toned. its very nice to dance to

especially when I run my hands on his body.

we introduced each other

then he said, "look at your baby face."

I said, guess how old I am.

"nineteen?"

shook my head, thirty two

"No way!" he moved closer and said

"what's your secret? Did you put cum all over your face everynight?"

I laughed, No no. That might work though.

"So tell me your secret."

You dont need anything, you're perfect.

A kissed on my cheek and then I left dancing again.

it was so cold and windy in the smoking area

came back from my ciggy break

making my way to the dance floor and

saw this handsome rugged-ey guy

we shared the glance and then then dance together

he then lift me up, my arms holding him around his neck

his arm was on my back, pressing my body to his body

his other hand stayed firm lifting my upper thigh

my legs around his hips

and we were rockin' it

I felt like I was dancing with King Kong

at the end of the night he came back and talk to me

he gave me his name, no number

he said, "meet me up at Hairy Canary, thursday 12 o'clock..."

peacefulness

Lovers Come And Go...

Style last forever. Ha!

Current State Of Mind

I feel really cold.

I meant seriously I feel like I haven't felt anything for anyone.

Guys are just so disappointing.

You know, they're gonna do anything and say anything

to get into your pants.

And when they realize they can't get you

they would start opening up

and show his disappointing real self.

Fuck it, like Im happy as long as Im thin

and I still make money and have my friends.

I just don't see myself finding someone

good enough for me.

I mean, this break up thing has made

my standard goes way up there.

Like I can't let myself getting disappointed by the same things again.

So seriously bye-bye to insecure boys.

Boys who lacks of determination and don't work hard.

Immature boys. I supposed younger is alright, but MATURE.

I don't want boys who's still in their druggie phase.

I don't like haters.

The good things about being 24 is...

I feel like I finally meet more mature people

and these people can see and appreciate me (because Ive always been

more mature than my real age)

I keep imagining myself being with someone

who is so awesome and someone who intimidate

and at the same time look after me.

And when I think of my past relationship

I really think I was such a good loving boyfriend.

Seriously. And Im hotter when Im in a relationship :)

Well, hopefully I would meet him one day.

But right now I should just focus on fixing my heart.

Big Fucked Messed Up

Thursday night and it was all messy

made out with someone I shouldn't have

then everyone thought I was a bitch

because my friend likes this guy

and it was his birthday

then the guy passed out, and puked

had to go outside with him

and his friends thought I spiked his drink

and then he had to go to hospital

and the next day my supervisor

told me he liked me

and that made me feel awful

I felt like a mean mean meanest biatch in the world.

Saturday night went out, drunk, swiped my card

woke up the next day and got a text from Mom

its all family mess all over again.

Called my aunty only to find out more of the mess

at the end she said "Kamu satu-satunya harapan Ibumu."