On Being 25...

I turn 25 today... Last year was great, and now Im moving on to the next things to come. I think Im ready for other things now. I mean, last year when I turned 24, I wanted and I was hoping so badly that I could put my feet firm on the ground. I wanted to be strong enough again, I wanted to rebuild that firm foundation in my life. I wanted a financial security, I wanted some emotional strength, I wanted some sort of fine structure in my life. And I worked hard for it, and I think I achieved most of it (nothing's ever enough for me).

Now on, being 25... I aim for continually building that strength, to be better, to be happier. And my new focus would be to take more chance in life. I believe that's the only way of achieving things, and avoiding that constant questioning and regret should I have done things differently. I've gained some strength and it is now time to step forward and I know that things can be scary, but hey, I've survived through a break up, and losing faith in people that I love. If did that, I shouldn't be that scared, I should be okay...

That Little Joy In Life

After that short period of metaphysical crisis,

I've found myself looking back at the past.

I've been trying to remember what was

that little thing in life that I used to enjoy.

For the first week, I was somehow convinced

that nothing has changed, I thought

I still do everything the same way.

But then in one of my day off (they're usually

quite fun, but yet meaningless),

I remember that I used to watch some film

in Nova's Cheap Monday, so I did went.

And I had the most fun. So fun, it's like

I'm having fun to the very deeper sense of it.

And then I knew, things definitely have changed

since back then when I was so full of life

and so full of this need to enjoy life.

Since that moment, I kept finding

more things that I used to enjoy.

I asked myself these questions...

'when was the last time you sing in your room,

just for the fun of it?'

'when was the last time you do a little dance

when your favourite song came up?'

Again just for the fun of it.

'when was the last time you get lost in

the moment when you think about your dreams?'

'and sometimes during that moment

you made a little scribble on a piece of paper

and you had fun doing it'

'and when you get transported into that

peaceful place from listening to the jazz...'

ah I'm putting Keith Jarrett on,

and I've decided that I'm going to

commit my 25th year to find those little joy

in life again...

P.S. Life's too short and too much fun to be an angry hater. mwa.

Being Almost A Quarter Of A Century

Work's been such a nightmare since I came back.

Like literally, I had 3 store visits

in my first 3 days back.

Not to mention setting up for

the April event sale.

It was so tiring and stressful because

it was my first days in my new department

and plus, my manager was away for 2 weeks.

So pretty much I dealt with everything

single handedly.

Finally a long weekend, and

Adrian came to town. Of course

we went out partying. In between the drinks

I said, I cant believe Im almost 25.

That's freaky isn't it?

He said, yeah I remember I freaked out

when I turned 25.

Then I started thinking again...

Like, Im turning a quarter of a century

and I've only been in one relationship

only dating a few guys.

And I have a job that pays the bills

but it just seems like, everything is

so time consuming that I began to feel

like it's taking me further and further away

from my ultimate goal.

When I think of my future it would be

fashion, and I still think so strongly

about it. Work has consumed so much

of my time, and I started to make excuses

for not doing anything for fashion.

But seriously, if I don't start doing it now,

when am I gonna start?

I've been thinking about it again today.

And I thought, I'm almost 25

It's time to refocus on what I wanted.

Last year I focused on getting that

security in my job and money

and I'm probably not there yet now,

but I think I'm in an okay position.

I think I need to make a start in doing what

I love doing, and start planning again

for the long term goal.

Im thinking of taking a few short courses

for the start, and everything else can follow...

Tokyo

First thing I did when I got to Tokyo;

I gave William a big hug. I missed him

it had been way too long.

Met Mitz, and then Adrian and Takky

Lunch in this tiny but place called Camp Curry

Love the food, then I decided to go to

Harajuku by myself. I told you

I want to get lost, I want to experience

silly things, I want stop planning too much

things in my head.

It's like trying to break free from the

regular order of how things work in

my life. It was meant to be the most

out-of-control thing I'd ever do.

But later I found out that I have this scarily

amazing sense of direction. I didn't get lost,

not a single time during my stay. Not at all.

I even went to Asakusa alone. I went to

seek for some peacefulness in Meiji Jingu,

went to Kabuki theatre 50 days before

they shut it down.

I went to Tsukiji fish market early in the morning

and had the freshest sushi donburi,

I love the sea urchin there.

And I didn't get lost at all...

And just when I thought I'd never get

the chance to do the whole out-of-control thing

I started finding cool shops and they

are soooo incredibly priced...

I went shopping everyday. I decided

to just ignore the credit card bill

that would choke me when I go home.

I just bought everything that I want.

It felt so liberating, and I love how

I was so out of control...

And somewhere after that tiny souvenir shop

in Shibuya, to Edifice, 417, Hanjiro in Shinjuku

and Shima Kitazawa, I remember taking

a deep breath, and thought to myself

Hard work pays...

I Love It!

Hey babes...

I dont know where to start,

so I think I'm just gonna type things

and then I'll just keep telling you things.

I had a date last night.

It was better than I thought it'd be.

I mean, physically he's kinda okay

he's like 196 cm tall

but he's definitely not senator-like

so I dont know, but it was okay

I mean, it felt good having a date.

You know, it feels just like Im doing

what I should be doing.

Like you don't want to be 20 something

and dateless right?

It felt good taking the chance as well.

Oh well, it was okay. But he's kinda trashy

and um... like immature, oh well he's 21.

But like dating someone younger

can be empowering, no?

I found out in the weekend

that I got sideway promotion

Meaning Im still a sales supervisor

but Im looking after a bigger business.

It's a good sign that they trust me.

So hopefully my career wont stop here.

Oh what else...

Hmmm just going to Tokyo soon

but really really lazy

to get things ready

Im just hoping that things will

just run smoothly hmmmmm

It will help if I can just get my lazy ass to

start reading my lonely planet book.

Fashion week is coming, very excited

but I just wish that I'd do more

fashion at this point.

Anyway, I think that's all for now!

In My Bull-poop World

Im going to David Jones' Corporate Fashion Launch!

Then going to Tokyo hopefully do some shopping,

and then going back just in time for Fashion Week!

I Heart Audrey

Jarome : I'm totes devo

Audrey: Why?

Jarome: Just devo. like heart broken devo.

Audrey: hmmmm it's ok. We have money.

New Year's Resolution

I want to be humble

I want to be nice

I want to be happy

I want to love myself again

I want to care about the people around me

I want to do things that makes me smile

I want to enjoy those little things in life that I took for granted

I want to let go

I want to stop being in control of things in my life

I want to stop thinking that I'm too good for things I might end up enjoy

I want to be able to connect to people

I want to stop stressing out about my job but still take it seriously

I want to open up to people

I want to stop worrying so much about making a mistake

I want to grow up and be more positive

I want to shop more, and save more :)

I want to love myself again and again

I want to learn to cook new things

I want to draw more

I want to eat even when my friends aren't there eating with me.

I want to let go of the past

I want to love myself for what I am

I want to be happy and see the world with smiling heart

I want to take more chances.

Love. mwa.

And I Thought I Could Never Get A Job Last Year

On tuesday afternoon I found out

That I got the promotion

I will start my new role as a sales supervisor

this monday, but today and tomorrow

is the induction period...

Im honestly nervous, excited, and I dunno...

But yeah, who would've thought

I thought I could never get a job last year...

Love you all, and wish me luck :)

Unstoppable Than Ever. I Hope. part 3

I got home at 3ish last night

got up at 8 getting ready to work

just around 9.30 am my manager called me

he said, please come a little earlier

come to my office.

I said, why?

Just to have a little chat.

I got there early, and he told me to sit down

He said, "you know we have considered you

as one of the key talent here."

"And I told you that I have a good plan for you."

He continued, "This is a good news, however

the situation is very delicate."

"We have decided to kick S*** and W**** out from Armani

and you're going to start looking after the boutique."

"We have two new people who will work with you as well"

"They didn't have as much experience as you do

but we see a lot of potential in them."

"So for now I need you to look after them,

take them under your wings."

"How do you feel about that?"

I smiled.

"I know it's a delicate situation, but if S*** and W****

have any problem with that, we're there for you."

I said, When do I start?

"Monday week. And we are revamping the Armani Boutique

They will have they're concept store ready by February

and It will be fantastic."

"But for now on, considering the situation,

just don't tell anyone."

I walked away, meeting the new guys, Im happy with them.

I looked at the other guys on the floor, and I knew that

once again I have proved them wrong.

When I started, everyone sorta underestimated me

but now Im hiding the final bomb.

I can't help feeling cautious though

As long as I haven't sign the actual contract

I feel like things might still change.

So I dont want to do anything until it's signed and done.

There I was, turning into one of the vicious sharks

To think of it, the exact date last year

I was about to be broken down the next day

when my ex broke up with me.

And here I am now, Im ready for a war.

Unstoppable than ever. I hope.

Current State Of Mind

I feel really cold.

I meant seriously I feel like I haven't felt anything for anyone.

Guys are just so disappointing.

You know, they're gonna do anything and say anything

to get into your pants.

And when they realize they can't get you

they would start opening up

and show his disappointing real self.

Fuck it, like Im happy as long as Im thin

and I still make money and have my friends.

I just don't see myself finding someone

good enough for me.

I mean, this break up thing has made

my standard goes way up there.

Like I can't let myself getting disappointed by the same things again.

So seriously bye-bye to insecure boys.

Boys who lacks of determination and don't work hard.

Immature boys. I supposed younger is alright, but MATURE.

I don't want boys who's still in their druggie phase.

I don't like haters.

The good things about being 24 is...

I feel like I finally meet more mature people

and these people can see and appreciate me (because Ive always been

more mature than my real age)

I keep imagining myself being with someone

who is so awesome and someone who intimidate

and at the same time look after me.

And when I think of my past relationship

I really think I was such a good loving boyfriend.

Seriously. And Im hotter when Im in a relationship :)

Well, hopefully I would meet him one day.

But right now I should just focus on fixing my heart.

Fine and Deadly

Been working a lot
my pc broke
so been using psp for facebook
been proud of how settled Ive been
been proud of how skinnier I am
been grateful for my job
been grateful for being able to control my spending
been happy with new things
been so content about what I have achieved
been wanting to tell you, you suck, look at me I'm fine and deadly.
been thinking, you should be feeling like you made a big mistake.

anyway Im 59 kilos today. bye loser.

OMFG It's so My Song!!!

Never took a scene check

Never were a reject

Honey lookin perfect

Now you aren't so in step

in step

in step

in step



You had your photograph, in a magazine

Such a pretty boy, only nineteen

But now your twenty-three and it's all gone now

you ain't all that, you wanna be somehow



Maybe it was only a dream!

You just thought you could be anything that you wanted to be

Sadly, it all went wrong so



Never took a scene check

Never were a reject

Honey lookin perfect

Now you aren't so in step

in step

in step

in step



Still just go to the same old clubs

But the new kids have got one above

Music tastes change like the wind

You're doin now what's already been



And you still think that you're so it

Cause you know so and so, and you made a hit

But you can't hear it being played

Cause you my friend have had your day



Never took a scene check

Never were a reject

Honey lookin perfect

Now you aren't so in step

in step

in step

in step

Climb, Climb, Climb Higher...

I've got to get ready to work in about one and a half hour... I havent done jackshit since this morning and that's what I hate about working in the afternoon, I just can't do anything... Anyway I feel like going out for a few drinks tonight, just a few drinks coz I have to work tomorrow morning... and sunday as well. Ah well my partying days are over I should be more serious from now on.

I met my ex'es cousin yesterday, she was somehow very bitchy to me (always has been) and she was telling me that she works next door to my apartment. She did mention it was boring job. Now is it just me or everyone around me have been bitching about works recently. Like I do bitch about work too but I think Im used to it by now. Im not saying that bitching about your work is bad, in fact everyone do it. And then she asked me how is everything with David Jones, and I answered, the same answer I give to everyone who ask me the same question, "I dont love it, but yeah it's a job. I dont hate it. I simply dont want to sweat about it too much. At the end of the day it pays."

Like I think it's called work for a reason. People have to "work". Now you dont always have to love what you do. I mean you would be one of a thousand super lucky people if you get your dream job and loving it. But again, there would always be those days when you're stressing out about it. Because that's what work is. So bitching is fine, but seriously dont sweat it too much. If you dont like it then quit it. Dont let the negative energy affect you.

Anyway, I cant be fucked doing anything at the moment. Listening to Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Zero. Im gonna get up and make myself some milky oatmeal, and may be some pancakes as well. Shit, I have to do the dishes. I still miss my family a lot, Im jealous of people who have their family around. It's just not fair sometimes. Like I mean, I have done so many things recently and my mom and my sister arent here so I can share it with them.

Oh well, Im not being a drama queen. I dont like them. Im gonna eat my breakfast and then go to work, hopefully Achira or Tara would be working the shoes department so I could hide in the shoe reserves and sit down and have our own little bitch, and probably try a few shoes...

2.39 am

Hmmm nothing much. Went home from work and had dinner and watch tv for a bit. And then I nap for about 2 hours so I cant sleep right now. Good thing that Im working at 12 tomorrow. I have been working a lot lately. And its great. Im loving it, this is what I wanted. A routine. I work, go home, dinner, chill, sleep, and work again and so on. And I still get to have fun in weekend or whenever I can. Did I tell you David Jones loves me and they offered me a part time position? I feel so proud of it. Yes I know, its only a retail job, and I think I deserve better than that. But come on, it's David Jones and I only started working for them in November. You know, it's another prove that hard worl pays. I hate the work politics though. But I think Im doing it well :P

I havent been going out, so it's good. Only planning to go for Amar's birthday this saturday, and I will not be going out. Im only going to the dinner. I feel fine so far. No boys at the moment but it's good. You know I cant be with any of them at the moment anyway.

Hey, Im starting to kinda realise that I unconsciously never really believe or at least I never really think of keeping a long term relationship. I dream of it, but I just dont think that I actually have the gut to keep it as a long term. You know, growing up as a muslim in Asia, with a lot of responsibility for my family, it's just somehow not my priority. Like what I mean is, I want it but somehow lately I've been realising that compared to many of my friends, I dont think as much about actually having it or trying to get it when I think of my future. Somehow it's just not one of those priority to me. When I think of the future, I picture happyness from career and success, and keeping my Mom and my sister happy.

It's getting late and Im talking more non-sense. Ive been spending my money better lately. Especially since I moved to Jonny's apartment and work regularly. I cute down my smoking to only 2 packs a week (from a pack a day). But it doesnt mean that I put some money on my saving. See this is how it works for me. I spend half of my salary on shopping and also as always good money and good wine, and then the rest I somehow try to manage living on the rest of my money. I started to realised that shopping and those dine out makes me happy. Im still however sometimes think of how much money I had before, how much my Mom would send me. I was rich. Im just scared that Im gonna end up being that kinda person whose happyness only depends on how much he earn and how much he can spend.

Have a listen to Hey Little Rich Girl by The Specials.

One Perfect Saturday Night

So yeah, last saturday' weather was so shit/great? I mean it was cold, cloudy, dark, grey and rainy. But it was to me the perfect day to stay in. Especially since I kinda went out on friday night. So i decided to get groceries, cooked some green thai curry, bought some meat pies, and strawberry ice cream. Mary went out that night so I had the whole apartment for myself. Plus i had sunday off. So the result was, the perfect saturday night in. I ate 4 bowls of curry and rice, in my sofa under my blanket, then have 2 meat pies, and had around 5 portions of ice cream plus milk. I was watching dvd too... aah I fell asleep like a baby. And I loved it.

mwa mwa.

Classy Is Back!

I had good one last night. I finished work, and finally having a day off, watched confession of a shoppaholic, and went for dinner, and then one gin and tonic, and then catching up with Phillip, and so good to see him so happy! I didnt get drunk, went to IQ fully sober and again enjoying meeting people with my soberness. I feel so sophisticated, and I love that feeling. It's like a substitute for alcohol-fun. I like just smiling and just be classy and give them a good impression about myself... mwa mwa, life is hard I'm not gonna make it harder.

My New Song

Seriously in love with this song at the moment. It's like a happy song! And oh my goodness, totally love what Andre 3000 is wearing here. He's the most stylish, I'd love to look like that!

Fuck Me, Frowning Clouds!

So I spent my saturday night at home. Quiet, nothing eventful. I didn't read, didn't watch any movies, didn't cook or eat, didn't drink anything. It felt horrible. The lonelyness felt so aweful I could cry if I want to. I talked to my sister friend on facebook and found out (this time for real) that my sister is married. She didn't even tell me...

And then there I was, lonely, sober, and thinking "How many thing have I had to go through this past 4 months?" First, breaking up with Tim, and then I was broke, I haven't got a proper job that could pay the bill. And then Denny left, Mary is leaving, I had a fight with her for a while, and I had to find a place to live because I can't keep this apartment, I could probably be homeless. But somehow I feel like I can deal with this. I think Im stronger, and Im gonna be fine.

So today, I woke up, went to the Victoria Market, wearing my new outfit. Went there alone, and had fun grocery shopping. Bought some salmon steak, some meat and vegies, and of course, mangoes. On the way back I saw this band playing, I knew them, I saw them before! I love them, The Frowning Clouds, they're so young but they're like the Rollingstones of Melbourne! They were singing Im Alright, and I felt like, "yeah Im ok. I just need to get things right from now on." So I decided that Im gonna do the right things this time. No more excessive drinking, and try harder to get a job. And it will be fine.

By the way last night I had a dream, someone was telling me a secret recipe for the perfect soup. Bu then when everyone left, this mysterious person whisper in my ear, "Believe me, it's only salt and pepper." Yeah I woke up and I thought, it was like a scene in Kung Fu Panda. But it might be right, sometimes it only takes some simple things to make it perfect...

Andreas Gursky at NGV

I went to Andreas Gursky's exhibition at NGV yesterday. I'm telling you the truth, I stayed there longer that I thought I would be. First impression was, damn, those photos are huuuuge! But yeah, Gursky's work are full of details, even the smallest object looks very clear, so they have to be huuuuuuuuge so we can see everything.

Im not that kind of artsy-fartsy person. Honestly, I like art, but I dont know things about it. I went to exhibitions because I enjoy looking at art works. Sometimes, I try to interpret what I see, but I think Im more often to admire it and try to imagine how that was made. I like thinking about the process.

So when I saw Gursky's photos, I was in an awe. All of them are taken from some position which I can't even think of. Where was he when he was taking them? It was taken from a plane, or I dunno where. I like how he took it from the 'priviledge point'. It's maaaaaarvelous. Also, I like the details, his architectural objects and also his message about globalisation.

Anyhow, I'd like to show you some of my most favourite.

This one is Kamiokande. If you look closer you would see 2 people on small boats. I didn't know what this is, but it looked so grand, so glamourous, it's like golden orbs hanging on a giant cave's wall on a river. It was so beautiful, it made hip-hop video background lights looks boring. I made some research on the name, and I found out that Kamiokande is a neutrino observatory lab in Japan. I couldn't possibly try to find any message or interpretation in it because it is simply one of the best thing I have ever seen in my life.

My second favourite would be Montparnasse. It was a photo of a block of apartment in France, they building itself looks simple, just like any other apartment building, built in the modern art era. May be you can't see it from this small picture, but actually there are a lot of colour in it. Soft colours, different in each apartment unit, this soft colours create something very dynamic, and so pretty, you would stare at it for a long time. Moreover, in each window you can see the details of what's on the inside, what these people are doing, you can see someone's lacey curtain, and even someone's little aquarium. I asked the guide there how he could possibly made it. She said, Gursky used multiple camera, took each one of the apartment details and stitch them together with digital technology. Also, the colours, he added some colour to it. It was again maaaaaaaarvelous, amazing how he created a painting effect in his art works.

The two photographs above are Madonna, and Pyongyang I. I like them both being in the same room, next to each other, while showing two different things. The first one is taken during one of Madonna's concert, you can actually see her in the left handside, on the stage, and around her are all the fans watching her and admiring her. Again details is shown with excellent clarity, you can see the audience's face! On the other hand, Pyongyang I was also about admiring someone, but in a very different way. In this case children are forming lines, make pictures with colour cards, and dance with pompoms in order to give respect and admire the Leader of North Korea. I think it's almost like militery to form lines like that. So, yeah, some theme but yet so different. Get it?