2010 so far...

This year so far;

secured my position as one of the key supervisors,

made peace with my ex by finally

having a proper chat about our break up.

Having a crush on someone

Went to the Horrors just because he was going.

Went on a date for fun (with a different guy)

Saved enough money

and had the best time in my life in Tokyo

Shopped til I dropped in Tokyo

Saw snow for the first time in my life

and I did it all on my own.

I cooked more and declared

that it is one of my hobbies!

Got cook books for my birthday

I was convinced that I was so madly in love

again, after a long long time

with this guy, who is sooo different

problem is he was a player

and he got me so miserable

oh well at least I feel again at last

Kissed a straight French guy

Got super insecure after The Architect

didn't choose me,

And started some sort of a metaphysical crisis

and that leads to a French class

and that leads to an illustration class.

And that leads to thinking that I should

discover myself again.

I cut 2 people out of my life

bad bad bad influence.

I turned 25!

Quarter of a century.

I worked so hard, I was considered

to overtaken my manager's job.

But then I get tired of it

I get myself thinking and considering

other things in the future.

A guy rejected me for a friend

a friend sort of betrayed me.

Again insecure

but Im getting better.

Giving the Architect a second chance

and we became friends, and kissing

but best thing is realising how he's not

how he is in my head.

I realised that it's not worth it

and that he is not for me.

That's the end of the story with

my biggest crush this year.

And now, planning to go to a friend's place

for NYE, and may be going somewhere else later

you know, I want to challenge myself, and

have more fun in 2011.

So please I can't wait to start the fun!

About Me

Just trying to immortalize my 'about me' section on facebook

it's time to change it, you know, it's almost 2011!

Im not a student anymore, I work and I try to have fun. I eat a lot, Im thin, I sing, I draw, I socialise, I cook a lot, I love cooking for the people I care about. May be it's something I did not have enough growing up. I drink, I smoke, I get confused, Im a loving person, I listen to people, I love my friends, I like horror movies coz it keeps us closer, I get offended when my friends dont trust me, I get annoyed by self righteous argumentative people, I love my Mom, I love my Sis, I miss and love my dad, I get homesick, I live in Melbourne, I like fashion and dream of one day having my own label, I love music, Im a hard worker, I drink coffee once a day, I get annoyed when my girlfriends act like im their boyfriend, I don't like people who depend too much on me, i hate arguing, I love youtube, I go home alone, I dont watch tv often, I've been alone, Ive been fucked up in the head, I'll be ok, I'm strong, Im weak, Im emotional, I cry in my own time but I think my heart died (it's recovering), I laugh at myself, I miss brunswick street, I want you and a glass of beer, I want to shop to max out my credit card, I cant wait to grow up, I wanna experience things, Im just mweh.

Unforgiving and Unloving

Sometimes in life, you'll meet a guy you're crazy about.

He got you listening and romancing on pop songs to classics

He got you dreaming about all the beautiful possibilities.

And sometimes you realize that once you finally got the

chance to get to know him, or to be with him, that it's not

all what you think it would be.

And it all was simply not worth it...

So you get over him, and move on to the next one :)

P.s. Dear Architect, thank you for finally being interested in me. Sadly, it was

nothing like I imagined. So good bye, hope you find that person you love.

The fact is, Im not willing to be with someone with shit ex-es.

Much of love.

Friday I'm Still In Love

I've been okay

I've been fine, I think I'm slowly forgetting everything

and I'm seeing the bigger picture. I'm seeing the reality.

The fact is, we are never gonna happen.

I've been fine. Really fine.

But I would be lying if I say that I don't care anymore

I'd be lying if I say that you never come across my mind.

As a matter of fact, I'm fine, but I still think about it.

I still wonder why things can't be just fine, just the way

I dream about it.

Just go, please go, do what you like.

Oh well, I'm pushing you out of my head again.

Because I can't do this forever.

Love, b.

Hopeful and Healing

I asked myself so many times recently,

what is it that makes me truly happy?

I diagnosed myself with some sort of metaphysical crisis.

And I blame The Architect for starting this mental state.

But anyway, it's been long overdue, I should've been able to

just move on, find someone else. I keep feeling like

it's an unfinished business though. Like, I'm trapped in

a little dream I created about him and I.

And sometimes you just have to wake up to see the reality.

I went to see him again. And ummm I went through

some more of that ecstatic dream state again.

I played over and over in my head, what this will be

like this time. May be it would finally work out.

But no, he's just the same dickhead I fell for.

And the pain that came with the realization woke me up again.

I woke up the next day, in pain.

But there was a moment when I was lying in my bed

when I felt like, I see the reality now. And it wasn't that bad.

Then I felt the pain again, but I keep reminding myself

'at least I'm awake now. at least I can see the truth.'

I took myself out for lunch. I love being alone in a restaurant

with communal tables, I just felt like I'm not alone yet,

I don't have to worry about anything that everyone's thinking.

I tried to let go, I tried to see the reality every time that painful

disappointment kicked in again. Somehow after a while

I feel calmer. I feel like, I'm finally awake.

And it felt good, because you can never start healing

when you haven't really seen the reality.

The Sudden Realization and The Coming Back

I've hesitated to write anything in the past few months,

like, I think I was just not ready to admit something that happened

And the fact that some people somewhere in the world might

be reading my post just made it 5 million times harder.

The fact is, i've been writing this as my online diary,

and my online diary is not that kinda of the private one

and yet at the end it is still a diary.

Did you ever go through something,

something not so pleasant that you don't even want

to talk about it and at the same time you

don't really wanna have that written somewhere

because it kinda suck trying just thinking and

remembering it?

Well that was the real thing that happened.

I spent the last two days alone, all for myself

just thinking and wondering of things we don't normally

think about in any other normal days.

And then came the sudden realization.

I think I was too embarrassed to even just say it.

"I feel for that feeling again, to someone again,

and sadly it didn't work the way I wanted."

But there, I said it. And as I said to myself

so many times before, I shouldn't be embarrassed.

It's just normal, it's just normal to feel shit about it

It's just normal to feel again, I'm just like

many other people in the world.

And now, there, I said it, wrote, and

it won't be the last time.

On Being 25...

I turn 25 today... Last year was great, and now Im moving on to the next things to come. I think Im ready for other things now. I mean, last year when I turned 24, I wanted and I was hoping so badly that I could put my feet firm on the ground. I wanted to be strong enough again, I wanted to rebuild that firm foundation in my life. I wanted a financial security, I wanted some emotional strength, I wanted some sort of fine structure in my life. And I worked hard for it, and I think I achieved most of it (nothing's ever enough for me).

Now on, being 25... I aim for continually building that strength, to be better, to be happier. And my new focus would be to take more chance in life. I believe that's the only way of achieving things, and avoiding that constant questioning and regret should I have done things differently. I've gained some strength and it is now time to step forward and I know that things can be scary, but hey, I've survived through a break up, and losing faith in people that I love. If did that, I shouldn't be that scared, I should be okay...

Le French

On the night when The Architect kissed someone else.

I met this guy, (strangely they look kind of alike)

He's French, he's a PhD student in literature.

He's kinda funny, I love his accent.

At one point he forgot my name

so I told him to give me a nickname

He called me bugs bunny.

I told him I made yummy tarte tatin.

He said, that came from my hometown, Normandy.

Later that night he told a story of

when he and his partner went traveling together.

But then I get that they broken up.

And then I get that the ex was indeed a girl.

We talked a lot more, and he said

he doesn't believe in sexuality.

He believe everything comes from the heart.

"It's doesn't matter who you are."

Then again I asked him,

"But Im asking if I have any chance

to take you out on an indonesian dinner."

He said, yes, I think I like you.

"But Im not looking for a relationship" he said.

So I reply, "Me neither.

Why can't we just hang out, and talk some more."

He said, "I should get your number."

I kissed him before I go, and thought

there's nothing wrong with 2 broken hearts

trying to talk about how world is, right?

The Architect

I met him about a month ago

He's handsome, tall, and very friendly.

I described him as the senator I've been looking for.

Let's just call him the architect.

We swapped number that night.

I went super mental after that.

But he didn't text me.

So I decided to text him first,

and he replied.

We're supposed to catch up for a drink.

But he then just disappeared.

He completely ignored me.

And no text, no phone call, nothing.

I came to the conclusion that he's just not into me.

Last friday I met him again.

He saw me and he apologized

Of course he made some excuses.

Then he said, let's make a time now.

I said, Im quit busy with work.

I said, up to you, just let me know.

Then he left, and then I saw him kissing another guy.

I thought to myself. What a jerk.

I met another person that night anyway.

So I went home. I slept.

I woke up and thought, I'm back.

I'm back to this game again.

Meeting a guy, feeling something.

It's very... scary, putting your feelings on the line.

But, then again I realized I love this.

At least I have more colour in my life.

It's better than the still/silent comfort

that I've been through.

Part of me feels happy because I feel

like Im finally walking again

with the rest of the world.

And later that day, he asked me out...

6:46am and My Whole Being Hurts

There is something I did, or someone did

or something did to me, but I'm healed.

May be it was just time, time heals.

But I found myself feeling again.

That Little Joy In Life

After that short period of metaphysical crisis,

I've found myself looking back at the past.

I've been trying to remember what was

that little thing in life that I used to enjoy.

For the first week, I was somehow convinced

that nothing has changed, I thought

I still do everything the same way.

But then in one of my day off (they're usually

quite fun, but yet meaningless),

I remember that I used to watch some film

in Nova's Cheap Monday, so I did went.

And I had the most fun. So fun, it's like

I'm having fun to the very deeper sense of it.

And then I knew, things definitely have changed

since back then when I was so full of life

and so full of this need to enjoy life.

Since that moment, I kept finding

more things that I used to enjoy.

I asked myself these questions...

'when was the last time you sing in your room,

just for the fun of it?'

'when was the last time you do a little dance

when your favourite song came up?'

Again just for the fun of it.

'when was the last time you get lost in

the moment when you think about your dreams?'

'and sometimes during that moment

you made a little scribble on a piece of paper

and you had fun doing it'

'and when you get transported into that

peaceful place from listening to the jazz...'

ah I'm putting Keith Jarrett on,

and I've decided that I'm going to

commit my 25th year to find those little joy

in life again...

P.S. Life's too short and too much fun to be an angry hater. mwa.

I Don't Know How You People Do It!

I really don't know how you people do it.

How do you manage to stay in for

the whole day and do nothing?

Like, watching DVD, or web-browsing?

Like, how is it that you could

calm yourself down doing a single activity?

I've tried doing similar things

but everytime Im trying to settle

in doing one thing, my mind always wonders

and it kinds of dictates me to do other things

I feel so restless

I feel so eternally bored.

I feel like I hate my life.

Why can't I just fucking enjoy the simpleness

of simply doing nothing.

What is it that Im looking for?

I want to find that contentment in something

that's very simple...

Being Almost A Quarter Of A Century

Work's been such a nightmare since I came back.

Like literally, I had 3 store visits

in my first 3 days back.

Not to mention setting up for

the April event sale.

It was so tiring and stressful because

it was my first days in my new department

and plus, my manager was away for 2 weeks.

So pretty much I dealt with everything

single handedly.

Finally a long weekend, and

Adrian came to town. Of course

we went out partying. In between the drinks

I said, I cant believe Im almost 25.

That's freaky isn't it?

He said, yeah I remember I freaked out

when I turned 25.

Then I started thinking again...

Like, Im turning a quarter of a century

and I've only been in one relationship

only dating a few guys.

And I have a job that pays the bills

but it just seems like, everything is

so time consuming that I began to feel

like it's taking me further and further away

from my ultimate goal.

When I think of my future it would be

fashion, and I still think so strongly

about it. Work has consumed so much

of my time, and I started to make excuses

for not doing anything for fashion.

But seriously, if I don't start doing it now,

when am I gonna start?

I've been thinking about it again today.

And I thought, I'm almost 25

It's time to refocus on what I wanted.

Last year I focused on getting that

security in my job and money

and I'm probably not there yet now,

but I think I'm in an okay position.

I think I need to make a start in doing what

I love doing, and start planning again

for the long term goal.

Im thinking of taking a few short courses

for the start, and everything else can follow...

Tokyo and The Never-ending Question

I think I fell in love with Tokyo.

I loved it for the city, for the uniqueness

the food, the shopping, and most of all

I loved being surrounded by my friends.

I mean, I loved having coffee in the morning

with them, and complained about

how shit the coffee is in Tokyo.

At the same time, we talked about how

easy it is to get good coffee in Melbourne.

I love then having breakfast with them.

Just anything, or a Burger Lunch set from

Journal Standard.

And then just talked about things again

until dinner time, and then my favourite

would be having yakitori night.

All yummy skewers, and anything

with all you can drink, and but of course

indoor smoking. And then parties...

And the Japanese guys in Tokyo

are hot... I talked to a guy, he's really cool

good body, and handsome

but he doesn't speak much English

and as you know, I dont speak any Japanese

at the end of the night he kissed.

And not how I expected him to kiss me.

He literally just gave me a quick smooch

on my lips. No tongue, no french kissing.

On the way home in the cab my friend said

the Japanese guys are shy.

Ah, and he also said, 'I think he's bad.'

'I saw his tattoo, I think he's a part of the

Yakuza...'

When I was leaving Tokyo

I felt somehow so emotional about it.

Like, I love my friends there.

And it really just saddens me to think

that I won't see them for at least a few years

and may be in a few years time, they won't

all be there at the same place.

It got me thinking about searching

for the place I can call home.

Like the biggest question for me is

'Do we go places to get the thrill of it,

or do we look for a place we can call home.'

I think at the end everyone looks for a home.

And I simply haven't found one.

Indonesia is my home town, but I don't

think I can call it home.

Melbourne, is like my city. I live, I enjoy

I love and hate it at the same time.

So I guess after several times thinking

I came to a conclusion that where ever

you home is, you need to have the loved one

there with you to make it real.

At the end, it was an answer that just keeps

me questioning more about my contentment.

Tokyo

First thing I did when I got to Tokyo;

I gave William a big hug. I missed him

it had been way too long.

Met Mitz, and then Adrian and Takky

Lunch in this tiny but place called Camp Curry

Love the food, then I decided to go to

Harajuku by myself. I told you

I want to get lost, I want to experience

silly things, I want stop planning too much

things in my head.

It's like trying to break free from the

regular order of how things work in

my life. It was meant to be the most

out-of-control thing I'd ever do.

But later I found out that I have this scarily

amazing sense of direction. I didn't get lost,

not a single time during my stay. Not at all.

I even went to Asakusa alone. I went to

seek for some peacefulness in Meiji Jingu,

went to Kabuki theatre 50 days before

they shut it down.

I went to Tsukiji fish market early in the morning

and had the freshest sushi donburi,

I love the sea urchin there.

And I didn't get lost at all...

And just when I thought I'd never get

the chance to do the whole out-of-control thing

I started finding cool shops and they

are soooo incredibly priced...

I went shopping everyday. I decided

to just ignore the credit card bill

that would choke me when I go home.

I just bought everything that I want.

It felt so liberating, and I love how

I was so out of control...

And somewhere after that tiny souvenir shop

in Shibuya, to Edifice, 417, Hanjiro in Shinjuku

and Shima Kitazawa, I remember taking

a deep breath, and thought to myself

Hard work pays...

Since The Last Time I Had The Jarome Moment

It's been a while I know.

It had been that kind of time in between

emotional peacefulness and that kind of

peacefulness from being overly busy.

It's great actually thinking that life's

been super happening.

That I don't really have to suffer from having

those mundane moments.

So yeah, I didn't even realized what I wrote

last time, I had to look into my own's page

and where I left you last time.

I thought of writing everything in one post

but it would be way too long.

So here, I'll just separate the post into several sections...

mwa mwa.

Just a Little Reminder

Just a little reminder for myself.

Something happened on Valentine's day.

Remember that. Mwa.

I Love It!

Hey babes...

I dont know where to start,

so I think I'm just gonna type things

and then I'll just keep telling you things.

I had a date last night.

It was better than I thought it'd be.

I mean, physically he's kinda okay

he's like 196 cm tall

but he's definitely not senator-like

so I dont know, but it was okay

I mean, it felt good having a date.

You know, it feels just like Im doing

what I should be doing.

Like you don't want to be 20 something

and dateless right?

It felt good taking the chance as well.

Oh well, it was okay. But he's kinda trashy

and um... like immature, oh well he's 21.

But like dating someone younger

can be empowering, no?

I found out in the weekend

that I got sideway promotion

Meaning Im still a sales supervisor

but Im looking after a bigger business.

It's a good sign that they trust me.

So hopefully my career wont stop here.

Oh what else...

Hmmm just going to Tokyo soon

but really really lazy

to get things ready

Im just hoping that things will

just run smoothly hmmmmm

It will help if I can just get my lazy ass to

start reading my lonely planet book.

Fashion week is coming, very excited

but I just wish that I'd do more

fashion at this point.

Anyway, I think that's all for now!

In My Bull-poop World

Im going to David Jones' Corporate Fashion Launch!

Then going to Tokyo hopefully do some shopping,

and then going back just in time for Fashion Week!

I Heart Audrey

Jarome : I'm totes devo

Audrey: Why?

Jarome: Just devo. like heart broken devo.

Audrey: hmmmm it's ok. We have money.

Going To My Boyfriend's Place

Went to see The Horrors

on wednesday night at the corner hotel

it was ok, but the crowd was boring

noone was rocking it

everyone loved the show, but

I think wouldve better with more energy

I went there, Josh was there

we were there together the whole night

when we chat I told him I want to be a trophy wife

he said, I want to be the dominant one

he said, I want to get a trophy wife

and Im like, well you already have a trophy wife

and he was like, yeah I already have a trophy wife

later that night I found out that

his trophy wife didn't like the Horrors

trophy wife likes Madonna and Kylie

I, on the other hand,

like going to gigs with my husband

I cook awesome food

I can make croissant pudding

and I look better than THE TROPHY WIFE

whatever, we caught train together

we planned for coffee the next day

but I missed it because work was so busy

end of the day I met him

"wanna grab a coffee?"

He said, "No I gotta go."

"Why?"

"I'm going to my boyfriend's place. He's sick"

Ah god... Fucking Trophy Wife.

No Turning Back

Hey Babes

I invited my ex to this exhibition opening

It was in Carlton Club, it's called Finding Space

we hang out with friends from work as well

and um no it's all good

we're not back together again

like I respect him and all

Im proud of him

but I know that we're just not meant to be together

I feel like we (especially me) have grown up

so far from how we were before

like he's still the first guy

I have loved unconditionally

and nothing's gonna change that

but it was it

we're just friends now

Im really ready to just move on

and I wish him all the best in the future

mwa mwa.

Deja Vu

Hey Babes

I got invited to my ex's birthday bbq

I thought I should show up

and just be a friend, just be nice

I bought him this cute top from Nathan Smith

I went there planning to only stay for a few hours

Damn, it was scary being there

surrounded by his friends and all

but they were all nice to me

Im talking, really nice to me

Most of them said, it's good to see me again

One of them said, he was sad

when he found out about the break up

The whole thing felt like deja vu

The smell of his house

the wine glasses, the backyard

Everything came back to me

Later that night he gave me back all my stuff

and he gave me his Claude Maus top

that I always wanted

he said, "almost there"

I said, what do you mean?

"Im trying to make it up all the things that I fucked up."

I went home, I didn't realize it was 3am

Love Changes

So I have a crush on this boy.

Lets just call him Josh

I've known him from work

and I've always thought he's cute

the only thing is he has a boyfriend

I dont mess with people's boyfriends

things become even more complicated

now that I supervise his area

so basically it is just so impossible

to have a chance to be with him

I dont think anything can ever happen

but funny thing is, this past month we've

become closer, and I have a feeling

that he likes out coffee time too

and whenever we meet up

we chat and we joke around

we make fun of each other

and we laugh

he makes me laugh

but I guess I can't do anything

On the other hand,

my ex invited me to his birthday bbq

I'd come, and I feel like

Im slowly forgiving and forgetting

all the stuff he did

And at one point I really can

feel that I still do care about him.

And last night, I went out

I drank and I know

I was thinking of you, Josh

I dont want anybody else

I dont want the past

I want the future

Meanwhile it became obvious to me

that the love I had for my ex has changed

love changes its form

it evolves, and my love for you

has evolved, probably not yet completely,

but it is now becoming a respect and care.

I love you, respect and care about you.

Love always, mwa.

Ah Finally, First In 2010!

Hey Babes...

2010 at last! So far so good for me :)

Work is crazy busy, and super challenging

but Im loving it, it makes me feel useful.

So just a little flash back,

Xmas eve was super marvelous

spent with family, got to talk about

each other's plan for 2010

and it got messy fun at the end

after a long shot of vodka

Xmas was awesome

invited to Rob's fabulous xmas lunch

in his apartment in South Bank

with Rob's signature of high class dishes

and mega fine and expensive wine and champagne

all of that in his balcony with the view

facing directly to the Yarra River and Flinders St

and finally New Year's eve was a house party

and Closet NYE, which wasnt that bad

but I thought I could do better.

Apart from that Ive been working a lot

trying to be more impulsive

that means I've gone out more

Ive booked my flight to Tokyo

and I have a little crush on someone :)