what is it that makes me truly happy?
I diagnosed myself with some sort of metaphysical crisis.
And I blame The Architect for starting this mental state.
But anyway, it's been long overdue, I should've been able to
just move on, find someone else. I keep feeling like
it's an unfinished business though. Like, I'm trapped in
a little dream I created about him and I.
And sometimes you just have to wake up to see the reality.
I went to see him again. And ummm I went through
some more of that ecstatic dream state again.
I played over and over in my head, what this will be
like this time. May be it would finally work out.
But no, he's just the same dickhead I fell for.
And the pain that came with the realization woke me up again.
I woke up the next day, in pain.
But there was a moment when I was lying in my bed
when I felt like, I see the reality now. And it wasn't that bad.
Then I felt the pain again, but I keep reminding myself
'at least I'm awake now. at least I can see the truth.'
I took myself out for lunch. I love being alone in a restaurant
with communal tables, I just felt like I'm not alone yet,
I don't have to worry about anything that everyone's thinking.
I tried to let go, I tried to see the reality every time that painful
disappointment kicked in again. Somehow after a while
I feel calmer. I feel like, I'm finally awake.
And it felt good, because you can never start healing
when you haven't really seen the reality.
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