Epiphany?

Yeah pretty much I dont even know how to say

or spell the word correctly.

But yeah I found out that you only make good money in retail

if you become a sales manager.

And that takes ages to get there.

And I found out as well that doing

fashion degree in RMIT is about 2500 per semester

that would be achievable if I have a full time job

How am I supposed to study full time

and work full time too?

Can I just get money from somewhere?

Last night me and my friend from work

went for a drink and we thought of some ideas

like what I can do to get enough money from a part time job

we thought I should be a prostitute, like a high class prostitute

and he'd be my pimp, so he gotta start socializing with

rich high class society and get me some clients.

Our market would be European billionaire who are into asian.

So we made our line "Why go to Bangkok and Bali when you can have Jerome?"

Anyway back to fashion,

Ive been questioning a lot whether I have the talent or not

But I decided that may be this time I should

stop thinking too much about it, and instead

I would just do it because I love it.

Im just a lot insecure, and I realize something else

All this time, I kept thinking that guys who like me are losers.

If there is a guy who show any interest I would

start wondering if he was a loser.

And I didnt do it because Im a bitch

but because Im so insecure I dont think

any good guy or great guy would wanna be with me.

August Highlights

went home for a week

just to find that there is more problem

got a new laptop though

considering of getting a banking job next year

like I should do it for my family

I cant believe even though I thought

I was fine here all this time

my sister still thinks of me as the spoilt one

she thinks that I make everything hard for everybody else

but yeah fuck it

may be I should make millions and shut her mouth

but if I make million I'd make sure

to pay enough money for the Indo judge

so that he stayed in jail forever...

Im still so thin, but I stop thinking I wanna be thinner

at the moment got throat infection

I think girlfriends are typically more demanding

even more demanding that campy queeny gay friends

and I get annoyed everytime my girlfriends get all

too sensitive and all that

I realised I met so many people from work

and most of them are hot, I like being surrounded

by hot people, it makes me feel more positive somehow

like I can be in an insecurity-free zone with them

I have to save up some money for real

gotta pay my bills this month

meaning I might be missing out on fashion week

but who gives a shit Ive got way too many things in my head

Ive been dancing to this song and made video of it! mwa mwa

How Close Is Too Close?

Hey Hey... Gosh Ive been working non-stop since I come back. Sunday was the only day off I had, and this week, I only have one friday off. Like Ive been doing some extra work for David Jones because my manager is away, my supervisor is sick and the other supervisor got promoted to women's building... Hmmm so even though it's not official, basically Ive been doing some supervisor's work...

Anyway, lately Ive been having coffee and lunch break with a supervisor from children's wear. Just say his name is J. I knew him from a friend of mine, and like we hanged out together once and we sorta just clicked. No almost every time we work the same day, he would pick me up from upstairs and we'd have break together. Like I reckon he's such a nice nice nice guy, easy to talk to. Basically it's just really cool to hang out with him.

The thing is, some people from my floor have been kinda hinting that they think we were dating or something like that. Including some people I really dont like from my floor. And gosh, it feels really good to hear their reaction when they thought something was happening between me and J. Like, I told them that nothing is happening, but inside I want them to keep thinking that there is something happening. You know, like I want them to think "dont mess with Jerome, he's with the higher power."

Hmmm I caught up with J last weekend, and Im catching up with him again this weekend. He asked me to watch a movie with him. Like, hmmmm and I cant help thinking, as much as I know for sure I only want to be friends with him, what does he think of me? I have previously stated that I dont want any kind of relationship with boys at the moment, and like I really hope he gets what I mean, and that is if he was actually interested. Like I dunno, but I hope you guys know what I mean, like I might've read the wrong message. But seriously, if that is so like I thought, I dont want to lead someone on. And ummm how close is too close between an employee and a supervisor?

Reality Check

I came back to Indonesia for a week last, like a week ago. My plan was actually just to see my family, and kinda hoping that I could cry that one year of tears that Ive been holding inside. But I forgot that going home isnt exactly like that. I forgot it was more like a place to pretend that everything in Melbourne is fine. My mom is too weak to know anything that Ive been going through here. I mean, I understand that she has too many things to handle herself. And my sister, she's too caught up in her own family drama that she created.

It was really annoying how everyone seems to think that my only problem in Melbourne is my recent weight loss. People were saying, "you're so thin." and "you're too thin, make sure you eat more." And they came with one conclusion, "that Im too busy working so I stop eating properly." Like in my head I thought, it would be good if it was only that simple. I simply cant believe noone attempted to ask me why I've lost weight.

Like, going home is like a reality check. I didn't have the chance to let go and feel. It was more like finding out that there are more problems happening there. I just had to deal with these problems. I came back to Melbourne and I was very broken. But then I realise, it is not a problem, it's a condition and there is nothing to do. Just deal with it.

Trying Out My MacBook Pro

Fashionancial Advice #17

Well just some sneak peak of my new book "Recession Fashion".

"Check out vintage shoes from savers. They're about 8 or 10 dollars. And just take them to shoe repair place and get extra sole added. That way it last longer. That should cost about 20 dollars. That means you have a long lasting classic casual shoes for 28 or 30 dollars."

"Vintage jumpers are awesome. Every op shop and second hand shop have them, also camberwell market. Dont worry about the jumbo size, because thats the part of the look. Always try to get the 100% wool. If you are bored of the oversize jumper look, you can put it in a laundry bag, wash them with warm or hot water, then put it in the dryer for at least 2 hours and you would get a distressed shrunken felt jumper. Dont forget to check your dryer every 20 minutes and just keep an eye on it, you dont want to burn the natural fiber."

"If you're bored of your polyester tees, you can change the shape, or create a permanent crease on any parts that you want by spraying a bit of water on it just to get some moisture in it. Then scrunch it in any areas that you want, use rubber band to hold the creases, and then put it in microwave for 3 minutes. Keep an eye on it, and check it every minutes. When its done, you would get permanent crease on your tees. Meaning new tees."

Thats all for now, more coming on my new book.

Fashionancial Advice #1

"Everyone should be true to themselves when they choose what they wear. Fashion should be another expression of your personality, your identity, and everything that makes you who you are. It's supposed to accentuate your outer and inner beauty. I believe that people can only truly look good when they know who they are, because then they would know what looks good on them."

Jarome Jackson
Fashionancial Minister

Im Alright

Finally I get to post new thing, my housemate led me use his laptop, until I get a new one in a few weeks time. So how have I been? I've been alright actually. You know, still working, stil losing weight, and still dealing with the post break up.

I actually realise that there is no way I can describe how breaking up is like. Like, it's getting better but at the same time it feels like it's just evolving from one phase to another. From numb, to feeling something, to a different kind of feeling, to numb again, and then to different emotion, and so on, but I still believe that its only gonna get better.

I still feel very fucking insecure about myself. Still annoyed by things, still thinking about it, still angry about it, still having that care but disgusted when I think of him and what he did. Still thinking that it's none of our fault, but still thinking that he fucked it up.

There is just no way I can try to describe how I feel. mwa.