Friday I'm Still In Love

I've been okay

I've been fine, I think I'm slowly forgetting everything

and I'm seeing the bigger picture. I'm seeing the reality.

The fact is, we are never gonna happen.

I've been fine. Really fine.

But I would be lying if I say that I don't care anymore

I'd be lying if I say that you never come across my mind.

As a matter of fact, I'm fine, but I still think about it.

I still wonder why things can't be just fine, just the way

I dream about it.

Just go, please go, do what you like.

Oh well, I'm pushing you out of my head again.

Because I can't do this forever.

Love, b.

Hopeful and Healing

I asked myself so many times recently,

what is it that makes me truly happy?

I diagnosed myself with some sort of metaphysical crisis.

And I blame The Architect for starting this mental state.

But anyway, it's been long overdue, I should've been able to

just move on, find someone else. I keep feeling like

it's an unfinished business though. Like, I'm trapped in

a little dream I created about him and I.

And sometimes you just have to wake up to see the reality.

I went to see him again. And ummm I went through

some more of that ecstatic dream state again.

I played over and over in my head, what this will be

like this time. May be it would finally work out.

But no, he's just the same dickhead I fell for.

And the pain that came with the realization woke me up again.

I woke up the next day, in pain.

But there was a moment when I was lying in my bed

when I felt like, I see the reality now. And it wasn't that bad.

Then I felt the pain again, but I keep reminding myself

'at least I'm awake now. at least I can see the truth.'

I took myself out for lunch. I love being alone in a restaurant

with communal tables, I just felt like I'm not alone yet,

I don't have to worry about anything that everyone's thinking.

I tried to let go, I tried to see the reality every time that painful

disappointment kicked in again. Somehow after a while

I feel calmer. I feel like, I'm finally awake.

And it felt good, because you can never start healing

when you haven't really seen the reality.