Fun With The Drums

I went to see The Drums for the second time last night.

I decided to give Jacob a jumper. I also made a card for him

with a little drawing and my number in it.

I was so nervous, I kept thinking may be I shouldn't do this.

I felt like I was a creep, or more like I was scared people would

think I was such a creepy stalker.

But I knew I had to do it, or Im gonna regret it forever.

So I went with a friend, he wasn't even sure how I'd do it.

He keep saying that he'd close his eyes when I give Jacob the present.

We came early, right in front of the stage. On the left side

because I know he's always on the left side on the stage.

And they finally played.

I called his name, and he said 'hey'.

I was so happy seeing them performing, and I waited for the right time.

They finished singing their last song, and I call him again "Jacob!"

And he heard me, he saw me, I showed him the present.

And he came, closer. And grabbed the gift.

I was stunned, and he shook my hand.

I was in shocked. I was so happy...

We left, and went behind the hotel, and they were there with the fans.

I started saying hi to him, and he recognized me.

"Are you the one who gave me the lovely sweater?"

I told him, I think it would look good on him.

And he said, yeah I like it, I tried it on.

And then he just kept talking.

He was talking about music, about growing up in a Christian family

and his parents won't let him listen to music apart from

christian music, and he was also home schooled.

He was such a music geek, so adorable.

He told us a story of being an opening act for Florence

and for this crazy lady band, Celtic Women.

We talked about anime, and Disney films.

About Japan, about his up and coming tour to Indonesia.

About releasing their album after September

because they don't want people to continue thinking

that they're just a summer band.

He told us how he wanted to record more albums

he doesn't want to be one of those band who toured for 3 years

for the same album

And some other random things...

He finally said he should start packing up.

He said goodbye.

Ah did I tell you, he hugged me twice?

I love them, I love their music, and I love Jacob.

I hope they're gonna be around for a long time...

By Far The Most Creative Year So Far

I draw a lot. I dream. I design.

I admire other's work and random beauties.

I have moments, sometimes in the morning,

and sometimes at night.

Sometimes even in between a cigarette puff

or some sips of coffee.

Moments to dream, to imagine, to re-imagine.

To continue searching, and getting closer to it.

Thing's are just a tad bit clearer, yet it seems easier.

I'm having a moment in my life where

I feel free to explore, to let myself go

yet still able to look at the past to draw some inspiration

I let all this rush of creative energy rushing in to my head

through my body and soul and mind.

It dictates me to create things, and to analyze,

and I love the urge to do it.

I pray today and tomorrow that I would always have this.

The Text Message I Never Get To Read

About a week ago, work was super intense and I was working overtime,
and one morning I had 2 text messages in my phone.

I looked at it, and one of them is from the Architect.

It said on the preview, just one line that I could read;

"Hey... I felt awkward about --"

and so I tried to click on it and read the whole thing,

for some reason, my phone didn't save it.

Gone, and gone, and I didn't get to read it.

I texted him back, and then can't wait so I called him.

He didn't admit that he sent anything...

And he said, let's catch up.

So we tried but I had to cancel on him because of work.

And he never replied and got back to me.

The architect and the message I never got to read.

Us and the stupid things around us.

Never meant to work out, I'd say.

Things would've been easier if it's meant to be, isn't it?

This Doesn't Make Sense

I'm feeling like I might be missing you right now.

You know, I went out for dinner with another guy,

and I suddenly missed you.

Probably cause he was shit and I was happy that

I had you, at least had a chance with someone like you

and may be I didn't realize that you are better than most people

I don't know, I'm having sauerkraut for dinner and I remember

German food that we're supposed to have together (if we ever hanged out again)

I don't think I want to be with you

but I'm romanticizing us again, and you and you and you again.

I want to see you again.

This doesn't make sense, I know I won't like you

when I finally see you again. You're just that funny kind.

This doesn't make sense.

But what does, nothing about us makes any sense.

But nothing has to make sense, because you are you

and I miss you. Even when it makes no sense, at all.

Still Feeling So Unforgiving (Hater)

I have those days where I feel so restless,

and every single thing that doesn't go right

slaps me on my face and made me feel so angry.

Like I'm just a bitter person.

I hate the whole world, sometimes.

At the moment I hate everyone in the world.

Examples...

The friend who's so bitter and self consumed

and has made me the biggest villain in the world.

The friend who never called me again since

he got himself a short ugly boyfriend.

The Singaporean friends who can't eat for shit,

The friends who try so hard to look like

a high fashion models, but still look so shit.

The friend who always try to poach all the guys

I'd been associated with.

The friends who always go for every single guy

on earth, and not admitting it.

The friend who asked me out only so that he

doesn't have to be alone when he's hunting for guys.

The ex boyfriend who fucked up my life.

The ex best friend who is a dumb ass.

I hate you, and how could you make waste a second

in my life to deal with your fucking rubbish.

You just ruined me. Thank you very much.

Never mind, I'm still standing.

I'll be alright, just wait and see.

Patience is a Virtue

Currently, I'm feeling like I haven't had anything

eventful in my life. Like, nothing is a real deal.

Things are just dull.

Did you ever feel like you should be doing something

bigger than what you are currently doing?

And also you feel like if it's not gonna happen now

it might never happen?

I feel like I'm being chased to make a big move

or some kind of life changing decision.

And I don't know what.

But think again, we're only young once.

And I constantly feel scared that I'm letting my youth

passes by, and wasting it.

I'm afraid I'm not having enough fun,

not dating enough boys, not experiencing enough things.

Coz we're only young once.

Worry

I'm slowly realising that things that matter to you today

might no longer matter tomorrow. And I do hope that all this worry

would be gone when I wake up tomorrow...

2010 so far...

This year so far;

secured my position as one of the key supervisors,

made peace with my ex by finally

having a proper chat about our break up.

Having a crush on someone

Went to the Horrors just because he was going.

Went on a date for fun (with a different guy)

Saved enough money

and had the best time in my life in Tokyo

Shopped til I dropped in Tokyo

Saw snow for the first time in my life

and I did it all on my own.

I cooked more and declared

that it is one of my hobbies!

Got cook books for my birthday

I was convinced that I was so madly in love

again, after a long long time

with this guy, who is sooo different

problem is he was a player

and he got me so miserable

oh well at least I feel again at last

Kissed a straight French guy

Got super insecure after The Architect

didn't choose me,

And started some sort of a metaphysical crisis

and that leads to a French class

and that leads to an illustration class.

And that leads to thinking that I should

discover myself again.

I cut 2 people out of my life

bad bad bad influence.

I turned 25!

Quarter of a century.

I worked so hard, I was considered

to overtaken my manager's job.

But then I get tired of it

I get myself thinking and considering

other things in the future.

A guy rejected me for a friend

a friend sort of betrayed me.

Again insecure

but Im getting better.

Giving the Architect a second chance

and we became friends, and kissing

but best thing is realising how he's not

how he is in my head.

I realised that it's not worth it

and that he is not for me.

That's the end of the story with

my biggest crush this year.

And now, planning to go to a friend's place

for NYE, and may be going somewhere else later

you know, I want to challenge myself, and

have more fun in 2011.

So please I can't wait to start the fun!

About Me

Just trying to immortalize my 'about me' section on facebook

it's time to change it, you know, it's almost 2011!

Im not a student anymore, I work and I try to have fun. I eat a lot, Im thin, I sing, I draw, I socialise, I cook a lot, I love cooking for the people I care about. May be it's something I did not have enough growing up. I drink, I smoke, I get confused, Im a loving person, I listen to people, I love my friends, I like horror movies coz it keeps us closer, I get offended when my friends dont trust me, I get annoyed by self righteous argumentative people, I love my Mom, I love my Sis, I miss and love my dad, I get homesick, I live in Melbourne, I like fashion and dream of one day having my own label, I love music, Im a hard worker, I drink coffee once a day, I get annoyed when my girlfriends act like im their boyfriend, I don't like people who depend too much on me, i hate arguing, I love youtube, I go home alone, I dont watch tv often, I've been alone, Ive been fucked up in the head, I'll be ok, I'm strong, Im weak, Im emotional, I cry in my own time but I think my heart died (it's recovering), I laugh at myself, I miss brunswick street, I want you and a glass of beer, I want to shop to max out my credit card, I cant wait to grow up, I wanna experience things, Im just mweh.

Unforgiving and Unloving

Sometimes in life, you'll meet a guy you're crazy about.

He got you listening and romancing on pop songs to classics

He got you dreaming about all the beautiful possibilities.

And sometimes you realize that once you finally got the

chance to get to know him, or to be with him, that it's not

all what you think it would be.

And it all was simply not worth it...

So you get over him, and move on to the next one :)

P.s. Dear Architect, thank you for finally being interested in me. Sadly, it was

nothing like I imagined. So good bye, hope you find that person you love.

The fact is, Im not willing to be with someone with shit ex-es.

Much of love.

Friday I'm Still In Love

I've been okay

I've been fine, I think I'm slowly forgetting everything

and I'm seeing the bigger picture. I'm seeing the reality.

The fact is, we are never gonna happen.

I've been fine. Really fine.

But I would be lying if I say that I don't care anymore

I'd be lying if I say that you never come across my mind.

As a matter of fact, I'm fine, but I still think about it.

I still wonder why things can't be just fine, just the way

I dream about it.

Just go, please go, do what you like.

Oh well, I'm pushing you out of my head again.

Because I can't do this forever.

Love, b.

Hopeful and Healing

I asked myself so many times recently,

what is it that makes me truly happy?

I diagnosed myself with some sort of metaphysical crisis.

And I blame The Architect for starting this mental state.

But anyway, it's been long overdue, I should've been able to

just move on, find someone else. I keep feeling like

it's an unfinished business though. Like, I'm trapped in

a little dream I created about him and I.

And sometimes you just have to wake up to see the reality.

I went to see him again. And ummm I went through

some more of that ecstatic dream state again.

I played over and over in my head, what this will be

like this time. May be it would finally work out.

But no, he's just the same dickhead I fell for.

And the pain that came with the realization woke me up again.

I woke up the next day, in pain.

But there was a moment when I was lying in my bed

when I felt like, I see the reality now. And it wasn't that bad.

Then I felt the pain again, but I keep reminding myself

'at least I'm awake now. at least I can see the truth.'

I took myself out for lunch. I love being alone in a restaurant

with communal tables, I just felt like I'm not alone yet,

I don't have to worry about anything that everyone's thinking.

I tried to let go, I tried to see the reality every time that painful

disappointment kicked in again. Somehow after a while

I feel calmer. I feel like, I'm finally awake.

And it felt good, because you can never start healing

when you haven't really seen the reality.

The Sudden Realization and The Coming Back

I've hesitated to write anything in the past few months,

like, I think I was just not ready to admit something that happened

And the fact that some people somewhere in the world might

be reading my post just made it 5 million times harder.

The fact is, i've been writing this as my online diary,

and my online diary is not that kinda of the private one

and yet at the end it is still a diary.

Did you ever go through something,

something not so pleasant that you don't even want

to talk about it and at the same time you

don't really wanna have that written somewhere

because it kinda suck trying just thinking and

remembering it?

Well that was the real thing that happened.

I spent the last two days alone, all for myself

just thinking and wondering of things we don't normally

think about in any other normal days.

And then came the sudden realization.

I think I was too embarrassed to even just say it.

"I feel for that feeling again, to someone again,

and sadly it didn't work the way I wanted."

But there, I said it. And as I said to myself

so many times before, I shouldn't be embarrassed.

It's just normal, it's just normal to feel shit about it

It's just normal to feel again, I'm just like

many other people in the world.

And now, there, I said it, wrote, and

it won't be the last time.

On Being 25...

I turn 25 today... Last year was great, and now Im moving on to the next things to come. I think Im ready for other things now. I mean, last year when I turned 24, I wanted and I was hoping so badly that I could put my feet firm on the ground. I wanted to be strong enough again, I wanted to rebuild that firm foundation in my life. I wanted a financial security, I wanted some emotional strength, I wanted some sort of fine structure in my life. And I worked hard for it, and I think I achieved most of it (nothing's ever enough for me).

Now on, being 25... I aim for continually building that strength, to be better, to be happier. And my new focus would be to take more chance in life. I believe that's the only way of achieving things, and avoiding that constant questioning and regret should I have done things differently. I've gained some strength and it is now time to step forward and I know that things can be scary, but hey, I've survived through a break up, and losing faith in people that I love. If did that, I shouldn't be that scared, I should be okay...

Le French

On the night when The Architect kissed someone else.

I met this guy, (strangely they look kind of alike)

He's French, he's a PhD student in literature.

He's kinda funny, I love his accent.

At one point he forgot my name

so I told him to give me a nickname

He called me bugs bunny.

I told him I made yummy tarte tatin.

He said, that came from my hometown, Normandy.

Later that night he told a story of

when he and his partner went traveling together.

But then I get that they broken up.

And then I get that the ex was indeed a girl.

We talked a lot more, and he said

he doesn't believe in sexuality.

He believe everything comes from the heart.

"It's doesn't matter who you are."

Then again I asked him,

"But Im asking if I have any chance

to take you out on an indonesian dinner."

He said, yes, I think I like you.

"But Im not looking for a relationship" he said.

So I reply, "Me neither.

Why can't we just hang out, and talk some more."

He said, "I should get your number."

I kissed him before I go, and thought

there's nothing wrong with 2 broken hearts

trying to talk about how world is, right?

The Architect

I met him about a month ago

He's handsome, tall, and very friendly.

I described him as the senator I've been looking for.

Let's just call him the architect.

We swapped number that night.

I went super mental after that.

But he didn't text me.

So I decided to text him first,

and he replied.

We're supposed to catch up for a drink.

But he then just disappeared.

He completely ignored me.

And no text, no phone call, nothing.

I came to the conclusion that he's just not into me.

Last friday I met him again.

He saw me and he apologized

Of course he made some excuses.

Then he said, let's make a time now.

I said, Im quit busy with work.

I said, up to you, just let me know.

Then he left, and then I saw him kissing another guy.

I thought to myself. What a jerk.

I met another person that night anyway.

So I went home. I slept.

I woke up and thought, I'm back.

I'm back to this game again.

Meeting a guy, feeling something.

It's very... scary, putting your feelings on the line.

But, then again I realized I love this.

At least I have more colour in my life.

It's better than the still/silent comfort

that I've been through.

Part of me feels happy because I feel

like Im finally walking again

with the rest of the world.

And later that day, he asked me out...

6:46am and My Whole Being Hurts

There is something I did, or someone did

or something did to me, but I'm healed.

May be it was just time, time heals.

But I found myself feeling again.

That Little Joy In Life

After that short period of metaphysical crisis,

I've found myself looking back at the past.

I've been trying to remember what was

that little thing in life that I used to enjoy.

For the first week, I was somehow convinced

that nothing has changed, I thought

I still do everything the same way.

But then in one of my day off (they're usually

quite fun, but yet meaningless),

I remember that I used to watch some film

in Nova's Cheap Monday, so I did went.

And I had the most fun. So fun, it's like

I'm having fun to the very deeper sense of it.

And then I knew, things definitely have changed

since back then when I was so full of life

and so full of this need to enjoy life.

Since that moment, I kept finding

more things that I used to enjoy.

I asked myself these questions...

'when was the last time you sing in your room,

just for the fun of it?'

'when was the last time you do a little dance

when your favourite song came up?'

Again just for the fun of it.

'when was the last time you get lost in

the moment when you think about your dreams?'

'and sometimes during that moment

you made a little scribble on a piece of paper

and you had fun doing it'

'and when you get transported into that

peaceful place from listening to the jazz...'

ah I'm putting Keith Jarrett on,

and I've decided that I'm going to

commit my 25th year to find those little joy

in life again...

P.S. Life's too short and too much fun to be an angry hater. mwa.

I Don't Know How You People Do It!

I really don't know how you people do it.

How do you manage to stay in for

the whole day and do nothing?

Like, watching DVD, or web-browsing?

Like, how is it that you could

calm yourself down doing a single activity?

I've tried doing similar things

but everytime Im trying to settle

in doing one thing, my mind always wonders

and it kinds of dictates me to do other things

I feel so restless

I feel so eternally bored.

I feel like I hate my life.

Why can't I just fucking enjoy the simpleness

of simply doing nothing.

What is it that Im looking for?

I want to find that contentment in something

that's very simple...

Being Almost A Quarter Of A Century

Work's been such a nightmare since I came back.

Like literally, I had 3 store visits

in my first 3 days back.

Not to mention setting up for

the April event sale.

It was so tiring and stressful because

it was my first days in my new department

and plus, my manager was away for 2 weeks.

So pretty much I dealt with everything

single handedly.

Finally a long weekend, and

Adrian came to town. Of course

we went out partying. In between the drinks

I said, I cant believe Im almost 25.

That's freaky isn't it?

He said, yeah I remember I freaked out

when I turned 25.

Then I started thinking again...

Like, Im turning a quarter of a century

and I've only been in one relationship

only dating a few guys.

And I have a job that pays the bills

but it just seems like, everything is

so time consuming that I began to feel

like it's taking me further and further away

from my ultimate goal.

When I think of my future it would be

fashion, and I still think so strongly

about it. Work has consumed so much

of my time, and I started to make excuses

for not doing anything for fashion.

But seriously, if I don't start doing it now,

when am I gonna start?

I've been thinking about it again today.

And I thought, I'm almost 25

It's time to refocus on what I wanted.

Last year I focused on getting that

security in my job and money

and I'm probably not there yet now,

but I think I'm in an okay position.

I think I need to make a start in doing what

I love doing, and start planning again

for the long term goal.

Im thinking of taking a few short courses

for the start, and everything else can follow...