On Being 25...

I turn 25 today... Last year was great, and now Im moving on to the next things to come. I think Im ready for other things now. I mean, last year when I turned 24, I wanted and I was hoping so badly that I could put my feet firm on the ground. I wanted to be strong enough again, I wanted to rebuild that firm foundation in my life. I wanted a financial security, I wanted some emotional strength, I wanted some sort of fine structure in my life. And I worked hard for it, and I think I achieved most of it (nothing's ever enough for me).

Now on, being 25... I aim for continually building that strength, to be better, to be happier. And my new focus would be to take more chance in life. I believe that's the only way of achieving things, and avoiding that constant questioning and regret should I have done things differently. I've gained some strength and it is now time to step forward and I know that things can be scary, but hey, I've survived through a break up, and losing faith in people that I love. If did that, I shouldn't be that scared, I should be okay...

Le French

On the night when The Architect kissed someone else.

I met this guy, (strangely they look kind of alike)

He's French, he's a PhD student in literature.

He's kinda funny, I love his accent.

At one point he forgot my name

so I told him to give me a nickname

He called me bugs bunny.

I told him I made yummy tarte tatin.

He said, that came from my hometown, Normandy.

Later that night he told a story of

when he and his partner went traveling together.

But then I get that they broken up.

And then I get that the ex was indeed a girl.

We talked a lot more, and he said

he doesn't believe in sexuality.

He believe everything comes from the heart.

"It's doesn't matter who you are."

Then again I asked him,

"But Im asking if I have any chance

to take you out on an indonesian dinner."

He said, yes, I think I like you.

"But Im not looking for a relationship" he said.

So I reply, "Me neither.

Why can't we just hang out, and talk some more."

He said, "I should get your number."

I kissed him before I go, and thought

there's nothing wrong with 2 broken hearts

trying to talk about how world is, right?

The Architect

I met him about a month ago

He's handsome, tall, and very friendly.

I described him as the senator I've been looking for.

Let's just call him the architect.

We swapped number that night.

I went super mental after that.

But he didn't text me.

So I decided to text him first,

and he replied.

We're supposed to catch up for a drink.

But he then just disappeared.

He completely ignored me.

And no text, no phone call, nothing.

I came to the conclusion that he's just not into me.

Last friday I met him again.

He saw me and he apologized

Of course he made some excuses.

Then he said, let's make a time now.

I said, Im quit busy with work.

I said, up to you, just let me know.

Then he left, and then I saw him kissing another guy.

I thought to myself. What a jerk.

I met another person that night anyway.

So I went home. I slept.

I woke up and thought, I'm back.

I'm back to this game again.

Meeting a guy, feeling something.

It's very... scary, putting your feelings on the line.

But, then again I realized I love this.

At least I have more colour in my life.

It's better than the still/silent comfort

that I've been through.

Part of me feels happy because I feel

like Im finally walking again

with the rest of the world.

And later that day, he asked me out...

6:46am and My Whole Being Hurts

There is something I did, or someone did

or something did to me, but I'm healed.

May be it was just time, time heals.

But I found myself feeling again.

That Little Joy In Life

After that short period of metaphysical crisis,

I've found myself looking back at the past.

I've been trying to remember what was

that little thing in life that I used to enjoy.

For the first week, I was somehow convinced

that nothing has changed, I thought

I still do everything the same way.

But then in one of my day off (they're usually

quite fun, but yet meaningless),

I remember that I used to watch some film

in Nova's Cheap Monday, so I did went.

And I had the most fun. So fun, it's like

I'm having fun to the very deeper sense of it.

And then I knew, things definitely have changed

since back then when I was so full of life

and so full of this need to enjoy life.

Since that moment, I kept finding

more things that I used to enjoy.

I asked myself these questions...

'when was the last time you sing in your room,

just for the fun of it?'

'when was the last time you do a little dance

when your favourite song came up?'

Again just for the fun of it.

'when was the last time you get lost in

the moment when you think about your dreams?'

'and sometimes during that moment

you made a little scribble on a piece of paper

and you had fun doing it'

'and when you get transported into that

peaceful place from listening to the jazz...'

ah I'm putting Keith Jarrett on,

and I've decided that I'm going to

commit my 25th year to find those little joy

in life again...

P.S. Life's too short and too much fun to be an angry hater. mwa.

I Don't Know How You People Do It!

I really don't know how you people do it.

How do you manage to stay in for

the whole day and do nothing?

Like, watching DVD, or web-browsing?

Like, how is it that you could

calm yourself down doing a single activity?

I've tried doing similar things

but everytime Im trying to settle

in doing one thing, my mind always wonders

and it kinds of dictates me to do other things

I feel so restless

I feel so eternally bored.

I feel like I hate my life.

Why can't I just fucking enjoy the simpleness

of simply doing nothing.

What is it that Im looking for?

I want to find that contentment in something

that's very simple...

Being Almost A Quarter Of A Century

Work's been such a nightmare since I came back.

Like literally, I had 3 store visits

in my first 3 days back.

Not to mention setting up for

the April event sale.

It was so tiring and stressful because

it was my first days in my new department

and plus, my manager was away for 2 weeks.

So pretty much I dealt with everything

single handedly.

Finally a long weekend, and

Adrian came to town. Of course

we went out partying. In between the drinks

I said, I cant believe Im almost 25.

That's freaky isn't it?

He said, yeah I remember I freaked out

when I turned 25.

Then I started thinking again...

Like, Im turning a quarter of a century

and I've only been in one relationship

only dating a few guys.

And I have a job that pays the bills

but it just seems like, everything is

so time consuming that I began to feel

like it's taking me further and further away

from my ultimate goal.

When I think of my future it would be

fashion, and I still think so strongly

about it. Work has consumed so much

of my time, and I started to make excuses

for not doing anything for fashion.

But seriously, if I don't start doing it now,

when am I gonna start?

I've been thinking about it again today.

And I thought, I'm almost 25

It's time to refocus on what I wanted.

Last year I focused on getting that

security in my job and money

and I'm probably not there yet now,

but I think I'm in an okay position.

I think I need to make a start in doing what

I love doing, and start planning again

for the long term goal.

Im thinking of taking a few short courses

for the start, and everything else can follow...