Jarome's Drunk Talk

Fun With The Drums

2011-04-29T06:57:00.000-07:00

I went to see The Drums for the second time last night.

I decided to give Jacob a jumper. I also made a card for him

with a little drawing and my number in it.

I was so nervous, I kept thinking may be I shouldn't do this.

I felt like I was a creep, or more like I was scared people would

think I was such a creepy stalker.

But I knew I had to do it, or Im gonna regret it forever.

So I went with a friend, he wasn't even sure how I'd do it.

He keep saying that he'd close his eyes when I give Jacob the present.

We came early, right in front of the stage. On the left side

because I know he's always on the left side on the stage.

And they finally played.

I called his name, and he said 'hey'.

I was so happy seeing them performing, and I waited for the right time.

They finished singing their last song, and I call him again "Jacob!"

And he heard me, he saw me, I showed him the present.

And he came, closer. And grabbed the gift.

I was stunned, and he shook my hand.

I was in shocked. I was so happy...

We left, and went behind the hotel, and they were there with the fans.

I started saying hi to him, and he recognized me.

"Are you the one who gave me the lovely sweater?"

I told him, I think it would look good on him.

And he said, yeah I like it, I tried it on.

And then he just kept talking.

He was talking about music, about growing up in a Christian family

and his parents won't let him listen to music apart from

christian music, and he was also home schooled.

He was such a music geek, so adorable.

He told us a story of being an opening act for Florence

and for this crazy lady band, Celtic Women.

We talked about anime, and Disney films.

About Japan, about his up and coming tour to Indonesia.

About releasing their album after September

because they don't want people to continue thinking

that they're just a summer band.

He told us how he wanted to record more albums

he doesn't want to be one of those band who toured for 3 years

for the same album

And some other random things...

He finally said he should start packing up.

He said goodbye.

Ah did I tell you, he hugged me twice?

I love them, I love their music, and I love Jacob.

I hope they're gonna be around for a long time...

By Far The Most Creative Year So Far

2011-04-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

I draw a lot. I dream. I design.

I admire other's work and random beauties.

I have moments, sometimes in the morning,

and sometimes at night.

Sometimes even in between a cigarette puff

or some sips of coffee.

Moments to dream, to imagine, to re-imagine.

To continue searching, and getting closer to it.

Thing's are just a tad bit clearer, yet it seems easier.

I'm having a moment in my life where

I feel free to explore, to let myself go

yet still able to look at the past to draw some inspiration

I let all this rush of creative energy rushing in to my head

through my body and soul and mind.

It dictates me to create things, and to analyze,

and I love the urge to do it.

I pray today and tomorrow that I would always have this.

The Text Message I Never Get To Read

2011-01-27T14:55:00.000-08:00

About a week ago, work was super intense and I was working overtime,
and one morning I had 2 text messages in my phone.

I looked at it, and one of them is from the Architect.

It said on the preview, just one line that I could read;

"Hey... I felt awkward about --"

and so I tried to click on it and read the whole thing,

for some reason, my phone didn't save it.

Gone, and gone, and I didn't get to read it.

I texted him back, and then can't wait so I called him.

He didn't admit that he sent anything...

And he said, let's catch up.

So we tried but I had to cancel on him because of work.

And he never replied and got back to me.

The architect and the message I never got to read.

Us and the stupid things around us.

Never meant to work out, I'd say.

Things would've been easier if it's meant to be, isn't it?

This Doesn't Make Sense

2011-01-16T01:42:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling like I might be missing you right now.

You know, I went out for dinner with another guy,

and I suddenly missed you.

Probably cause he was shit and I was happy that

I had you, at least had a chance with someone like you

and may be I didn't realize that you are better than most people

I don't know, I'm having sauerkraut for dinner and I remember

German food that we're supposed to have together (if we ever hanged out again)

I don't think I want to be with you

but I'm romanticizing us again, and you and you and you again.

I want to see you again.

This doesn't make sense, I know I won't like you

when I finally see you again. You're just that funny kind.

This doesn't make sense.

But what does, nothing about us makes any sense.

But nothing has to make sense, because you are you

and I miss you. Even when it makes no sense, at all.

Still Feeling So Unforgiving (Hater)

2011-01-14T19:54:00.000-08:00

I have those days where I feel so restless,

and every single thing that doesn't go right

slaps me on my face and made me feel so angry.

Like I'm just a bitter person.

I hate the whole world, sometimes.

At the moment I hate everyone in the world.

Examples...

The friend who's so bitter and self consumed

and has made me the biggest villain in the world.

The friend who never called me again since

he got himself a short ugly boyfriend.

The Singaporean friends who can't eat for shit,

The friends who try so hard to look like

a high fashion models, but still look so shit.

The friend who always try to poach all the guys

I'd been associated with.

The friends who always go for every single guy

on earth, and not admitting it.

The friend who asked me out only so that he

doesn't have to be alone when he's hunting for guys.

The ex boyfriend who fucked up my life.

The ex best friend who is a dumb ass.

I hate you, and how could you make waste a second

in my life to deal with your fucking rubbish.

You just ruined me. Thank you very much.

Never mind, I'm still standing.

I'll be alright, just wait and see.

Patience is a Virtue

2011-01-13T04:51:00.000-08:00

Currently, I'm feeling like I haven't had anything

eventful in my life. Like, nothing is a real deal.

Things are just dull.

Did you ever feel like you should be doing something

bigger than what you are currently doing?

And also you feel like if it's not gonna happen now

it might never happen?

I feel like I'm being chased to make a big move

or some kind of life changing decision.

And I don't know what.

But think again, we're only young once.

And I constantly feel scared that I'm letting my youth

passes by, and wasting it.

I'm afraid I'm not having enough fun,

not dating enough boys, not experiencing enough things.

Coz we're only young once.

Worry

2011-01-10T05:11:00.000-08:00

I'm slowly realising that things that matter to you today

might no longer matter tomorrow. And I do hope that all this worry

would be gone when I wake up tomorrow...

2010 so far...

2010-12-31T01:14:00.000-08:00

This year so far;

secured my position as one of the key supervisors,

made peace with my ex by finally

having a proper chat about our break up.

Having a crush on someone

Went to the Horrors just because he was going.

Went on a date for fun (with a different guy)

Saved enough money

and had the best time in my life in Tokyo

Shopped til I dropped in Tokyo

Saw snow for the first time in my life

and I did it all on my own.

I cooked more and declared

that it is one of my hobbies!

Got cook books for my birthday

I was convinced that I was so madly in love

again, after a long long time

with this guy, who is sooo different

problem is he was a player

and he got me so miserable

oh well at least I feel again at last

Kissed a straight French guy

Got super insecure after The Architect

didn't choose me,

And started some sort of a metaphysical crisis

and that leads to a French class

and that leads to an illustration class.

And that leads to thinking that I should

discover myself again.

I cut 2 people out of my life

bad bad bad influence.

I turned 25!

Quarter of a century.

I worked so hard, I was considered

to overtaken my manager's job.

But then I get tired of it

I get myself thinking and considering

other things in the future.

A guy rejected me for a friend

a friend sort of betrayed me.

Again insecure

but Im getting better.

Giving the Architect a second chance

and we became friends, and kissing

but best thing is realising how he's not

how he is in my head.

I realised that it's not worth it

and that he is not for me.

That's the end of the story with

my biggest crush this year.

And now, planning to go to a friend's place

for NYE, and may be going somewhere else later

you know, I want to challenge myself, and

have more fun in 2011.

So please I can't wait to start the fun!

About Me

2010-12-29T14:38:00.000-08:00

Just trying to immortalize my 'about me' section on facebook

it's time to change it, you know, it's almost 2011!

Im not a student anymore, I work and I try to have fun. I eat a lot, Im thin, I sing, I draw, I socialise, I cook a lot, I love cooking for the people I care about. May be it's something I did not have enough growing up. I drink, I smoke, I get confused, Im a loving person, I listen to people, I love my friends, I like horror movies coz it keeps us closer, I get offended when my friends dont trust me, I get annoyed by self righteous argumentative people, I love my Mom, I love my Sis, I miss and love my dad, I get homesick, I live in Melbourne, I like fashion and dream of one day having my own label, I love music, Im a hard worker, I drink coffee once a day, I get annoyed when my girlfriends act like im their boyfriend, I don't like people who depend too much on me, i hate arguing, I love youtube, I go home alone, I dont watch tv often, I've been alone, Ive been fucked up in the head, I'll be ok, I'm strong, Im weak, Im emotional, I cry in my own time but I think my heart died (it's recovering), I laugh at myself, I miss brunswick street, I want you and a glass of beer, I want to shop to max out my credit card, I cant wait to grow up, I wanna experience things, Im just mweh.

Unforgiving and Unloving

2010-12-28T15:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in life, you'll meet a guy you're crazy about.

He got you listening and romancing on pop songs to classics

He got you dreaming about all the beautiful possibilities.

And sometimes you realize that once you finally got the

chance to get to know him, or to be with him, that it's not

all what you think it would be.

And it all was simply not worth it...

So you get over him, and move on to the next one :)

P.s. Dear Architect, thank you for finally being interested in me. Sadly, it was

nothing like I imagined. So good bye, hope you find that person you love.

The fact is, Im not willing to be with someone with shit ex-es.

Much of love.

Friday I'm Still In Love

2010-11-12T01:40:00.000-08:00

I've been okay

I've been fine, I think I'm slowly forgetting everything

and I'm seeing the bigger picture. I'm seeing the reality.

The fact is, we are never gonna happen.

I've been fine. Really fine.

But I would be lying if I say that I don't care anymore

I'd be lying if I say that you never come across my mind.

As a matter of fact, I'm fine, but I still think about it.

I still wonder why things can't be just fine, just the way

I dream about it.

Just go, please go, do what you like.

Oh well, I'm pushing you out of my head again.

Because I can't do this forever.

Love, b.

Hopeful and Healing

2010-11-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

I asked myself so many times recently,

what is it that makes me truly happy?

I diagnosed myself with some sort of metaphysical crisis.

And I blame The Architect for starting this mental state.

But anyway, it's been long overdue, I should've been able to

just move on, find someone else. I keep feeling like

it's an unfinished business though. Like, I'm trapped in

a little dream I created about him and I.

And sometimes you just have to wake up to see the reality.

I went to see him again. And ummm I went through

some more of that ecstatic dream state again.

I played over and over in my head, what this will be

like this time. May be it would finally work out.

But no, he's just the same dickhead I fell for.

And the pain that came with the realization woke me up again.

I woke up the next day, in pain.

But there was a moment when I was lying in my bed

when I felt like, I see the reality now. And it wasn't that bad.

Then I felt the pain again, but I keep reminding myself

'at least I'm awake now. at least I can see the truth.'

I took myself out for lunch. I love being alone in a restaurant

with communal tables, I just felt like I'm not alone yet,

I don't have to worry about anything that everyone's thinking.

I tried to let go, I tried to see the reality every time that painful

disappointment kicked in again. Somehow after a while

I feel calmer. I feel like, I'm finally awake.

And it felt good, because you can never start healing

when you haven't really seen the reality.

The Sudden Realization and The Coming Back

2010-10-12T03:25:00.000-07:00

I've hesitated to write anything in the past few months,

like, I think I was just not ready to admit something that happened

And the fact that some people somewhere in the world might

be reading my post just made it 5 million times harder.

The fact is, i've been writing this as my online diary,

and my online diary is not that kinda of the private one

and yet at the end it is still a diary.

Did you ever go through something,

something not so pleasant that you don't even want

to talk about it and at the same time you

don't really wanna have that written somewhere

because it kinda suck trying just thinking and

remembering it?

Well that was the real thing that happened.

I spent the last two days alone, all for myself

just thinking and wondering of things we don't normally

think about in any other normal days.

And then came the sudden realization.

I think I was too embarrassed to even just say it.

"I feel for that feeling again, to someone again,

and sadly it didn't work the way I wanted."

But there, I said it. And as I said to myself

so many times before, I shouldn't be embarrassed.

It's just normal, it's just normal to feel shit about it

It's just normal to feel again, I'm just like

many other people in the world.

And now, there, I said it, wrote, and

it won't be the last time.

On Being 25...

2010-06-01T18:11:00.000-07:00

I turn 25 today... Last year was great, and now Im moving on to the next things to come. I think Im ready for other things now. I mean, last year when I turned 24, I wanted and I was hoping so badly that I could put my feet firm on the ground. I wanted to be strong enough again, I wanted to rebuild that firm foundation in my life. I wanted a financial security, I wanted some emotional strength, I wanted some sort of fine structure in my life. And I worked hard for it, and I think I achieved most of it (nothing's ever enough for me).

Now on, being 25... I aim for continually building that strength, to be better, to be happier. And my new focus would be to take more chance in life. I believe that's the only way of achieving things, and avoiding that constant questioning and regret should I have done things differently. I've gained some strength and it is now time to step forward and I know that things can be scary, but hey, I've survived through a break up, and losing faith in people that I love. If did that, I shouldn't be that scared, I should be okay...

Le French

2010-05-30T05:27:00.000-07:00

On the night when The Architect kissed someone else.

I met this guy, (strangely they look kind of alike)

He's French, he's a PhD student in literature.

He's kinda funny, I love his accent.

At one point he forgot my name

so I told him to give me a nickname

He called me bugs bunny.

I told him I made yummy tarte tatin.

He said, that came from my hometown, Normandy.

Later that night he told a story of

when he and his partner went traveling together.

But then I get that they broken up.

And then I get that the ex was indeed a girl.

We talked a lot more, and he said

he doesn't believe in sexuality.

He believe everything comes from the heart.

"It's doesn't matter who you are."

Then again I asked him,

"But Im asking if I have any chance

to take you out on an indonesian dinner."

He said, yes, I think I like you.

"But Im not looking for a relationship" he said.

So I reply, "Me neither.

Why can't we just hang out, and talk some more."

He said, "I should get your number."

I kissed him before I go, and thought

there's nothing wrong with 2 broken hearts

trying to talk about how world is, right?

The Architect

2010-05-30T04:53:00.000-07:00

I met him about a month ago

He's handsome, tall, and very friendly.

I described him as the senator I've been looking for.

Let's just call him the architect.

We swapped number that night.

I went super mental after that.

But he didn't text me.

So I decided to text him first,

and he replied.

We're supposed to catch up for a drink.

But he then just disappeared.

He completely ignored me.

And no text, no phone call, nothing.

I came to the conclusion that he's just not into me.

Last friday I met him again.

He saw me and he apologized

Of course he made some excuses.

Then he said, let's make a time now.

I said, Im quit busy with work.

I said, up to you, just let me know.

Then he left, and then I saw him kissing another guy.

I thought to myself. What a jerk.

I met another person that night anyway.

So I went home. I slept.

I woke up and thought, I'm back.

I'm back to this game again.

Meeting a guy, feeling something.

It's very... scary, putting your feelings on the line.

But, then again I realized I love this.

At least I have more colour in my life.

It's better than the still/silent comfort

that I've been through.

Part of me feels happy because I feel

like Im finally walking again

with the rest of the world.

And later that day, he asked me out...

6:46am and My Whole Being Hurts

2010-05-28T13:47:00.000-07:00

There is something I did, or someone did

or something did to me, but I'm healed.

May be it was just time, time heals.

But I found myself feeling again.

That Little Joy In Life

2010-04-22T15:05:00.000-07:00

After that short period of metaphysical crisis,

I've found myself looking back at the past.

I've been trying to remember what was

that little thing in life that I used to enjoy.

For the first week, I was somehow convinced

that nothing has changed, I thought

I still do everything the same way.

But then in one of my day off (they're usually

quite fun, but yet meaningless),

I remember that I used to watch some film

in Nova's Cheap Monday, so I did went.

And I had the most fun. So fun, it's like

I'm having fun to the very deeper sense of it.

And then I knew, things definitely have changed

since back then when I was so full of life

and so full of this need to enjoy life.

Since that moment, I kept finding

more things that I used to enjoy.

I asked myself these questions...

'when was the last time you sing in your room,

just for the fun of it?'

'when was the last time you do a little dance

when your favourite song came up?'

Again just for the fun of it.

'when was the last time you get lost in

the moment when you think about your dreams?'

'and sometimes during that moment

you made a little scribble on a piece of paper

and you had fun doing it'

'and when you get transported into that

peaceful place from listening to the jazz...'

ah I'm putting Keith Jarrett on,

and I've decided that I'm going to

commit my 25th year to find those little joy

in life again...

P.S. Life's too short and too much fun to be an angry hater. mwa.

I Don't Know How You People Do It!

2010-04-04T02:08:00.000-07:00

I really don't know how you people do it.

How do you manage to stay in for

the whole day and do nothing?

Like, watching DVD, or web-browsing?

Like, how is it that you could

calm yourself down doing a single activity?

I've tried doing similar things

but everytime Im trying to settle

in doing one thing, my mind always wonders

and it kinds of dictates me to do other things

I feel so restless

I feel so eternally bored.

I feel like I hate my life.

Why can't I just fucking enjoy the simpleness

of simply doing nothing.

What is it that Im looking for?

I want to find that contentment in something

that's very simple...

Being Almost A Quarter Of A Century

2010-04-03T06:26:00.000-07:00

Work's been such a nightmare since I came back.

Like literally, I had 3 store visits

in my first 3 days back.

Not to mention setting up for

the April event sale.

It was so tiring and stressful because

it was my first days in my new department

and plus, my manager was away for 2 weeks.

So pretty much I dealt with everything

single handedly.

Finally a long weekend, and

Adrian came to town. Of course

we went out partying. In between the drinks

I said, I cant believe Im almost 25.

That's freaky isn't it?

He said, yeah I remember I freaked out

when I turned 25.

Then I started thinking again...

Like, Im turning a quarter of a century

and I've only been in one relationship

only dating a few guys.

And I have a job that pays the bills

but it just seems like, everything is

so time consuming that I began to feel

like it's taking me further and further away

from my ultimate goal.

When I think of my future it would be

fashion, and I still think so strongly

about it. Work has consumed so much

of my time, and I started to make excuses

for not doing anything for fashion.

But seriously, if I don't start doing it now,

when am I gonna start?

I've been thinking about it again today.

And I thought, I'm almost 25

It's time to refocus on what I wanted.

Last year I focused on getting that

security in my job and money

and I'm probably not there yet now,

but I think I'm in an okay position.

I think I need to make a start in doing what

I love doing, and start planning again

for the long term goal.

Im thinking of taking a few short courses

for the start, and everything else can follow...

Tokyo and The Never-ending Question

2010-04-03T06:19:00.000-07:00

I think I fell in love with Tokyo.

I loved it for the city, for the uniqueness

the food, the shopping, and most of all

I loved being surrounded by my friends.

I mean, I loved having coffee in the morning

with them, and complained about

how shit the coffee is in Tokyo.

At the same time, we talked about how

easy it is to get good coffee in Melbourne.

I love then having breakfast with them.

Just anything, or a Burger Lunch set from

Journal Standard.

And then just talked about things again

until dinner time, and then my favourite

would be having yakitori night.

All yummy skewers, and anything

with all you can drink, and but of course

indoor smoking. And then parties...

And the Japanese guys in Tokyo

are hot... I talked to a guy, he's really cool

good body, and handsome

but he doesn't speak much English

and as you know, I dont speak any Japanese

at the end of the night he kissed.

And not how I expected him to kiss me.

He literally just gave me a quick smooch

on my lips. No tongue, no french kissing.

On the way home in the cab my friend said

the Japanese guys are shy.

Ah, and he also said, 'I think he's bad.'

'I saw his tattoo, I think he's a part of the

Yakuza...'

When I was leaving Tokyo

I felt somehow so emotional about it.

Like, I love my friends there.

And it really just saddens me to think

that I won't see them for at least a few years

and may be in a few years time, they won't

all be there at the same place.

It got me thinking about searching

for the place I can call home.

Like the biggest question for me is

'Do we go places to get the thrill of it,

or do we look for a place we can call home.'

I think at the end everyone looks for a home.

And I simply haven't found one.

Indonesia is my home town, but I don't

think I can call it home.

Melbourne, is like my city. I live, I enjoy

I love and hate it at the same time.

So I guess after several times thinking

I came to a conclusion that where ever

you home is, you need to have the loved one

there with you to make it real.

At the end, it was an answer that just keeps

me questioning more about my contentment.

Tokyo

2010-04-03T05:03:00.001-07:00

First thing I did when I got to Tokyo;

I gave William a big hug. I missed him

it had been way too long.

Met Mitz, and then Adrian and Takky

Lunch in this tiny but place called Camp Curry

Love the food, then I decided to go to

Harajuku by myself. I told you

I want to get lost, I want to experience

silly things, I want stop planning too much

things in my head.

It's like trying to break free from the

regular order of how things work in

my life. It was meant to be the most

out-of-control thing I'd ever do.

But later I found out that I have this scarily

amazing sense of direction. I didn't get lost,

not a single time during my stay. Not at all.

I even went to Asakusa alone. I went to

seek for some peacefulness in Meiji Jingu,

went to Kabuki theatre 50 days before

they shut it down.

I went to Tsukiji fish market early in the morning

and had the freshest sushi donburi,

I love the sea urchin there.

And I didn't get lost at all...

And just when I thought I'd never get

the chance to do the whole out-of-control thing

I started finding cool shops and they

are soooo incredibly priced...

I went shopping everyday. I decided

to just ignore the credit card bill

that would choke me when I go home.

I just bought everything that I want.

It felt so liberating, and I love how

I was so out of control...

And somewhere after that tiny souvenir shop

in Shibuya, to Edifice, 417, Hanjiro in Shinjuku

and Shima Kitazawa, I remember taking

a deep breath, and thought to myself

Hard work pays...

Since The Last Time I Had The Jarome Moment

2010-04-03T04:56:00.000-07:00

It's been a while I know.

It had been that kind of time in between

emotional peacefulness and that kind of

peacefulness from being overly busy.

It's great actually thinking that life's

been super happening.

That I don't really have to suffer from having

those mundane moments.

So yeah, I didn't even realized what I wrote

last time, I had to look into my own's page

and where I left you last time.

I thought of writing everything in one post

but it would be way too long.

So here, I'll just separate the post into several sections...

mwa mwa.

Just a Little Reminder

2010-02-28T04:39:00.000-08:00

Just a little reminder for myself.

Something happened on Valentine's day.

Remember that. Mwa.

I Love It!

2010-02-28T04:29:00.000-08:00

Hey babes...

I dont know where to start,

so I think I'm just gonna type things

and then I'll just keep telling you things.

I had a date last night.

It was better than I thought it'd be.

I mean, physically he's kinda okay

he's like 196 cm tall

but he's definitely not senator-like

so I dont know, but it was okay

I mean, it felt good having a date.

You know, it feels just like Im doing

what I should be doing.

Like you don't want to be 20 something

and dateless right?

It felt good taking the chance as well.

Oh well, it was okay. But he's kinda trashy

and um... like immature, oh well he's 21.

But like dating someone younger

can be empowering, no?

I found out in the weekend

that I got sideway promotion

Meaning Im still a sales supervisor

but Im looking after a bigger business.

It's a good sign that they trust me.

So hopefully my career wont stop here.

Oh what else...

Hmmm just going to Tokyo soon

but really really lazy

to get things ready

Im just hoping that things will

just run smoothly hmmmmm

It will help if I can just get my lazy ass to

start reading my lonely planet book.

Fashion week is coming, very excited

but I just wish that I'd do more

fashion at this point.

Anyway, I think that's all for now!

In My Bull-poop World

2010-02-14T23:38:00.000-08:00

Im going to David Jones' Corporate Fashion Launch!

Then going to Tokyo hopefully do some shopping,

and then going back just in time for Fashion Week!

I Heart Audrey

2010-01-29T15:36:00.000-08:00

Jarome : I'm totes devo

Audrey: Why?

Jarome: Just devo. like heart broken devo.

Audrey: hmmmm it's ok. We have money.

Going To My Boyfriend's Place

2010-01-28T16:14:00.000-08:00

Went to see The Horrors

on wednesday night at the corner hotel

it was ok, but the crowd was boring

noone was rocking it

everyone loved the show, but

I think wouldve better with more energy

I went there, Josh was there

we were there together the whole night

when we chat I told him I want to be a trophy wife

he said, I want to be the dominant one

he said, I want to get a trophy wife

and Im like, well you already have a trophy wife

and he was like, yeah I already have a trophy wife

later that night I found out that

his trophy wife didn't like the Horrors

trophy wife likes Madonna and Kylie

I, on the other hand,

like going to gigs with my husband

I cook awesome food

I can make croissant pudding

and I look better than THE TROPHY WIFE

whatever, we caught train together

we planned for coffee the next day

but I missed it because work was so busy

end of the day I met him

"wanna grab a coffee?"

He said, "No I gotta go."

"Why?"

"I'm going to my boyfriend's place. He's sick"

Ah god... Fucking Trophy Wife.

No Turning Back

2010-01-28T16:04:00.000-08:00

Hey Babes

I invited my ex to this exhibition opening

It was in Carlton Club, it's called Finding Space

we hang out with friends from work as well

and um no it's all good

we're not back together again

like I respect him and all

Im proud of him

but I know that we're just not meant to be together

I feel like we (especially me) have grown up

so far from how we were before

like he's still the first guy

I have loved unconditionally

and nothing's gonna change that

but it was it

we're just friends now

Im really ready to just move on

and I wish him all the best in the future

mwa mwa.

Deja Vu

2010-01-28T15:37:00.000-08:00

Hey Babes

I got invited to my ex's birthday bbq

I thought I should show up

and just be a friend, just be nice

I bought him this cute top from Nathan Smith

I went there planning to only stay for a few hours

Damn, it was scary being there

surrounded by his friends and all

but they were all nice to me

Im talking, really nice to me

Most of them said, it's good to see me again

One of them said, he was sad

when he found out about the break up

The whole thing felt like deja vu

The smell of his house

the wine glasses, the backyard

Everything came back to me

Later that night he gave me back all my stuff

and he gave me his Claude Maus top

that I always wanted

he said, "almost there"

I said, what do you mean?

"Im trying to make it up all the things that I fucked up."

I went home, I didn't realize it was 3am

Love Changes

2010-01-14T17:30:00.000-08:00

So I have a crush on this boy.

Lets just call him Josh

I've known him from work

and I've always thought he's cute

the only thing is he has a boyfriend

I dont mess with people's boyfriends

things become even more complicated

now that I supervise his area

so basically it is just so impossible

to have a chance to be with him

I dont think anything can ever happen

but funny thing is, this past month we've

become closer, and I have a feeling

that he likes out coffee time too

and whenever we meet up

we chat and we joke around

we make fun of each other

and we laugh

he makes me laugh

but I guess I can't do anything

On the other hand,

my ex invited me to his birthday bbq

I'd come, and I feel like

Im slowly forgiving and forgetting

all the stuff he did

And at one point I really can

feel that I still do care about him.

And last night, I went out

I drank and I know

I was thinking of you, Josh

I dont want anybody else

I dont want the past

I want the future

Meanwhile it became obvious to me

that the love I had for my ex has changed

love changes its form

it evolves, and my love for you

has evolved, probably not yet completely,

but it is now becoming a respect and care.

I love you, respect and care about you.

Love always, mwa.

Ah Finally, First In 2010!

2010-01-14T16:35:00.000-08:00

Hey Babes...

2010 at last! So far so good for me :)

Work is crazy busy, and super challenging

but Im loving it, it makes me feel useful.

So just a little flash back,

Xmas eve was super marvelous

spent with family, got to talk about

each other's plan for 2010

and it got messy fun at the end

after a long shot of vodka

Xmas was awesome

invited to Rob's fabulous xmas lunch

in his apartment in South Bank

with Rob's signature of high class dishes

and mega fine and expensive wine and champagne

all of that in his balcony with the view

facing directly to the Yarra River and Flinders St

and finally New Year's eve was a house party

and Closet NYE, which wasnt that bad

but I thought I could do better.

Apart from that Ive been working a lot

trying to be more impulsive

that means I've gone out more

Ive booked my flight to Tokyo

and I have a little crush on someone :)

I Think I'm Just Really Tired

2009-12-30T03:33:00.000-08:00

Im really tired

I couldnt sleep last night

I'm tired of trouble people at work

Like, I like it how it teaches me a lot

and Im pretty much in control of things

all the time

Im always in control all the time

sometimes I just wish that I can let go

just let my guard down

and pass on that control to someone

I want to go home thinking that

someone have had some things

under control for me

I dont even want to think of

a lot of things when I go home

thats why Im a bit bugged

with people asking me about my NYE plan

I mean, we'll definitely meet up that night

just dont ask me what's going to happen

make your plan, and I'll see what I can do

stop relying on me to plan your night

I just wanna go. thats all.

New Year's Resolution

2009-12-17T14:24:00.000-08:00

I want to be humble

I want to be nice

I want to be happy

I want to love myself again

I want to care about the people around me

I want to do things that makes me smile

I want to enjoy those little things in life that I took for granted

I want to let go

I want to stop being in control of things in my life

I want to stop thinking that I'm too good for things I might end up enjoy

I want to be able to connect to people

I want to stop stressing out about my job but still take it seriously

I want to open up to people

I want to stop worrying so much about making a mistake

I want to grow up and be more positive

I want to shop more, and save more :)

I want to love myself again and again

I want to learn to cook new things

I want to draw more

I want to eat even when my friends aren't there eating with me.

I want to let go of the past

I want to love myself for what I am

I want to be happy and see the world with smiling heart

I want to take more chances.

Love. mwa.

My Battle (part 2)

2009-12-17T14:11:00.000-08:00

I woke up from a nightmare

and I couldn't stop thinking about him

I've always been so insecure about this

Im scared that my friends would chose

my ex's side and left me

Im scared that

I was never good enough for the world

and not good enough for him

not good enough for my friends

I hate thinking that all my friends

like my ex, but my ex's friends didnt care about me

And suddenly I remember that he's a great guy

it wouldn't be hard for him

to get someone to replace me

and then they would start talking about me

and he would say,

'Jarome's superficial, materialistic, and arrogant.'

'he's just one of the retail guys, he works for DJs'

and that's all it took to ruin

my sales supervisor promotion high.

at the end of it I just realised that

it doesn't matter how far I've gone

but Im still nothing for him

I mean, Im happy with all things

that I've achieved this past year

but, I still feel like there's a lot of things out there

that I have to achieve, and I still feel like a nobody.

May be I should start doing something

that matters to the world...

My Battle (part 1)

2009-12-17T14:01:00.000-08:00

I've been so tired lately

being a supervisor is definitely draining

my energy, and also I get tired

trying to get used to everything

one night I went home and I just slept

just around 5 in the morning

I dreamt about my ex

in my dream, I was walking in the city

and I saw him in a cafe

he said hi, so I came to him

I realised that he was with my good friend

but my friend totally snub me off

he didnt even talk to me

I realised that he was on my ex's team

my ex then congratulated me for the promo

but I was too upset to find out that

even my good friends chose to be friends

with my ex over me.

I woke up so upset and I couldn't sleep...

Rumour Has It...

2009-12-17T13:48:00.000-08:00

Hey Babes...

went to suit's christmas dinner on wednesday

it was good, and I missed them already

the kids have bonded better

and I got a flashy blue martini glass

as part of the kris kringle and I love it!

During the ciggy break I was talking

to one of the guys and he told me

that rumour has it that

I kicked the new girl out of Armani

after just one week.

And you know it's not true

I did say that she didn't look suitable

but I didn't transfer her to local or anything

and then on the way home

she actually gave us a lift to the city

and in the car we were talking

and one of the guys actually said

that he'd quit if I had to be his supervisor

he said, 'you would be kinda scary'

hmmmm I wonder

someone said I didnt look mean enough

to be a supervisor, and then this.

Which one is right?

And I Thought I Could Never Get A Job Last Year

2009-12-10T12:06:00.000-08:00

On tuesday afternoon I found out

That I got the promotion

I will start my new role as a sales supervisor

this monday, but today and tomorrow

is the induction period...

Im honestly nervous, excited, and I dunno...

But yeah, who would've thought

I thought I could never get a job last year...

Love you all, and wish me luck :)

Just So You Know Too...

2009-12-03T05:24:00.000-08:00

I love my friends

they're my family

and family don't hate each other.

I just want you to know

that I care so so so much about you

and Im just repeating my point

that it kills me to see you doing all this

bad things to yourself, wasting all your time

for something that (I believe) would harm you.

But I mean, you're the person that you are

and you make your own decision

but I just cant agree with you

and Im not gonna lie only to make you feel better

Looking back at all the things that we went through

it's just sad that things happen this way

but I only want you to know

that I'd never hate you

all those things that you read, and you thought

I was talking about you, please just get real

I'd never thought in my life to say that kind

of hatred words to you.

and you should know that.

I read partly what you said about me

Im not angry, but I really wish you

would say that to my face.

I wish you well and stay off drugs...

love you, you're the funniest guy

I know in my life. Dont waste that.

mwa.

Shake Your Money Maker!

2009-11-30T01:48:00.000-08:00

Hey babe...

just want to tell you

that work has been so stressing these days

I mean, first of all with the plan to be a supervisor

like, lately all the manager's been testing me

like giving me some task to delegate things

and I did make it but it was so hard

considering all the people in my floor are friends

moreover my manager's been telling me

that I can't afford to make mistakes like going

on long breaks, or going between 12 to 2pm

and he told me not to hang out with people

he sees as unprofessional

and it's just kinda getting to me lately

since they opened women's store in the weekend

like all the important people were always around

so I cant help feeling like I have to be

in my best behavior all the time.

And the biggest challenge would be

pushing the sales for Armani

like, Im new with the whole working in boutique

and especially Armani, it's actually very hard to sell

and last weekend we did really well

but like, for some reason sales drop again

and we didnt even make the budget for the week

worse thing is that people's comments

have been really disheartening

some even say that it is David Jones mistake

to replace the old Armani people with me

since they have 9 years of experience in that boutique

and changing the sales representatives doesn't help

the sale.

But honestly I dont agree with that

because I know I kick ass in Armani

people just have to give me sometime

And being a good boutique manager

doesnt only revolve around selling

These old guys dont do anything to look after

the stocks, they don't work to represent the brand

and that's why Armani's been going down...

I wish that people would see that

I mean, I wish I can do better in Armani but

what else can I do?

I've done my best.

And I hope that the sales budget doesnt affect

my chance of getting the promotion.

Ah well, enough of this negativity

it's all the part of business isnt it?

so right now, Im just gonna shake my money maker!

Complete Summer Look

2009-11-28T18:03:00.000-08:00

Including Uniqlo top from Sasha, and Vintage Belt from Denny, and blazer from Camberwell market.

Like, I Don't Date Wowsers

2009-11-23T16:30:00.000-08:00

Hey boys...

There is nothing worse than

a guy who only date specific race background

eg. rice queen and pasta queen.

there is nothing worse than

guys who thinks he's all that

when in real life he's so fucking clumsy

like dropsy kind of clumsy

and I left my phone in the cafe kind of clumsy

there is nothing worse than

guys who think he's cool but he's not

there is nothing worse than

guys who is so south yarra snobbish

and thinks that by being south yarra clean

he's better than the rest of the world

there is nothing worse than

guys who cant make a decision and complain a lot

there is nothing worse than

guy who only wants to talk about his own

shit self, even though it's so fucking boring

there is nothing worse than

guys who ask you for compliments

and on top of that very self-centred

and wants to be the centre of attention

for example, he gets offended because you

gotta meet your best friends kinda needy shit.

So any sign of wowsers just staaaaay awaaaay

you dont even want to hang out with them

they waste your time.

I'm Just a Bitch

2009-11-23T16:07:00.000-08:00

Hey babes...

went to the Somewhere Gallery opening

last week, and it was baaaaad.

Like, the Gallery was nice but

I was again face to face with the Melbourne's coolzies

I mean they're ok, but I never like try hards

I never like doing things to impress

I dont like non-practical things only for social status

Well that day it was about 36 degrees

the gallery was on the third floor

and there wasn't any air-con

it was like hell

and the hell turned into fashionista wannabe hell

These coolzies were wearing jackets, black winter jackets

and like another jacket with fur and feather trimming

pointy shoes, socks...

And for sure Fatso Hayley were there

with her famous slimming leggings and

fringey bag taking photos of the coolzies

hmmmm she gotta lose weight before anyone

can take her seriously.

I happened to go with a loser

who by the way chickened out after

he saw all the sea of coolzies

he wasn't going in, but I made him do

was there for only a minute

and then we left, and it made me one bitch and a half.

Just So You Know

2009-11-14T07:20:00.001-08:00

Just so you know

you dont know me, until

you find out that Im such a conniving bitch

and hear me out, that I will not forget one single shit you did

until I get back to you, fair and square

you won't realize it now

but most of my plan are long term anyway

so dont you fucking mess with me

because. say, soon you'll fucking realise

that things are fucked and you know why...

mwa, love you.

It's Amazing What I Can Do

2009-11-13T13:15:00.000-08:00

hey babes...

I got a new smell

I smell Tom Ford Grey Vetiver

Enia chose it for me

Last time she chose YSL La Nuit De L'Homme

I love it too!

I love having those musky, smoky

some kinda mature, sexy, and sophisticated smell.

Like, tell me it's silly

but like I think now I can pull off

those scent because I wear suits...

By the way, I managed to get

the third person for Armani

I got Matthew in my team

He is just such a pro

He was the golden boy of the department

we started working together,

so pretty much we grew in the business together

and I just cant wait to have that dynamic in Armani...

The shit thing about Armani is that

my store wont be refurbished until February

which is so annoying because everything else

has been refurbished.

And Armani doesnt do discount as often as the others

on top of that bad buying decision

that means all of those combo makes it hard to sell...

Anyway I had a ciggy outside work yesterday

My old Manager who now works in

women's shoes department, talked to me

"I'd love you to supervise my area."

I said, I'd think about that.

And then she told me the story

"Did Louis tell you that your name

is highlighted as a potential supervisor

in the general meeting?"

I said, no.

"Well, you couldve been a supervisor right now,

but Louis wanted you to supervise his area,

but as everyone knows it, mens suits is the

shark pool. Amy and Matt didn't think you're

ready for that. You need to start from a smaller

department."

I thought, I couldve been a supervisor

and Louis gave me Armani?

And all that only because he wants to keep me in suits?

"Badra, so why not come with me, tell Amy

that you want to supervise, that's all you need

to do. That's the only way you make your way up.

It will open more possibilities, even for a manager job..."

Now, I need to plan things,

I want to make sure that I dont burn bridges

I wanna do it nicely, but hopefully,

December or January.

Day Dreaming

2009-11-04T23:23:00.000-08:00

hey babes...

went to RMIT to check out

the fashion merchandising course

I'm planning to do it next year

you know, I want to reach my dream

I want to be a designer one day

or may be a CEO in a fashion house

but yeah, I found out that

the course that I want to do is

still too fucking expensive for me

I could only get a year of govt help

and then I'll be paying around $9000 a year

and like, how can I pay that much money?

sometimes things like this make me feel so small

sometimes things make it feel so unreachable

right now Im really kinda feeling so frustrated

It's all I want and yet it seems so far away

I just really hope that one day

it will all come true.

Loving The Memories. Not The Mann?

2009-11-04T13:22:00.000-08:00

hey babes...

Ive been remembering a lot of things

about my ex, like fun stuff

I'd say things that I miss about us

I miss being the power couple

missing joking around with him

the so often occasional kisses

missing grabbing his arm, and

walking next to him

and I thought, do I miss him?

do I want him back?

For a moment I thought may be

I wanted him back

like, I came to realize that this past year

I had to be alone because I need to prove it

to myself. I mean, this whole break up

destroyed my self trust and confidence

and I just had to prove it to myself

that Im still as strong, I had to rebuild myself

I've realized that I am now stronger than ever.

So basically, considering that now I have

more control in everything, and Im sure

I can control the relationship even better

so, there is a slight ok sign to getting back with him

but hmmmm... I dont think so...

when I think of it again, I dont miss everything

I only miss the good memories

and when that happens, you forget about

the shit memories.

I think, I only miss the memories,

not the Mann...

And The Reality Isn't Always That Gorgeous

2009-10-31T16:36:00.000-07:00

hey babe

went to Sorrys for Bang Gang Halloween

I came as a drunk samurai

I got the kimono top from Made In Japan

on Australia on Collins

only for 52 dollars... Got a plastic sword too

Eye make up from face crayons...

It was so much fun!

Most people came as a vampire...

Thomas got me free entry

and then tequila shots

and then up stairs for some house

Was dancing when this guy grab my hand

tall, brunette, typical indie face

and he kissed me, so I kissed him back.

he said "Can I get your number?"

I said, why?

"Because we made out last time?"

and damn... I now remember...

Remember I told you I made out with a hot blonde?

Well I certainly didnt remember it correctly

it was the same guy.

Tall slender, brunette and indie.

I said, no.

He said, "Come home with me then."

I said, my boyfriend would kill me

I was lying. I just didnt wanna go home with anyone.

But then I said, but we can make out.

So we did, big time. Bouncer nearly kicked us out.

I then found out that we have mutual friends

So he asked me to add him on facebook

Hmmmm I dont know about that.

What's Your Return Policy?

2009-10-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

I thought of last year.

All I can think of is my alco phase.

I was dealing with break up.

And also, people I care about betrayed me.

I didnt know how it happened but yeah.

Some of them tried to come back

but I feel like things have changed.

It's probably hard, I have no return policy.

Just like in retail, we could only exchange

as long as the goods are not damaged.

They have to be in the exact same condition.

The Guy and The Smell Of Cigarette and Coffee

2009-10-19T16:10:00.000-07:00

I have another J on my list

He's supposed to be working with me

like, he's new and I gotta look after him

so the first day, I was just teaching him everything

I didnt think of anything about him at all

then one of my colleagues said "J's so hot."

I said, no dont think so, not my type.

The next day in the morning on the way to work

I saw this guy wearing a sleek black suit

a coffee in his hand

walking tall and straight

wearing his aviator sunnies.

He stop to lit his ciggy

He turned around, and it was him.

Dont you think there's always something sexy

about guys who have confident

and smells like cigarette and coffee?

Or is it just me?

Unstoppable Than Ever. I Hope. part 3

2009-10-17T05:16:00.000-07:00

I got home at 3ish last night

got up at 8 getting ready to work

just around 9.30 am my manager called me

he said, please come a little earlier

come to my office.

I said, why?

Just to have a little chat.

I got there early, and he told me to sit down

He said, "you know we have considered you

as one of the key talent here."

"And I told you that I have a good plan for you."

He continued, "This is a good news, however

the situation is very delicate."

"We have decided to kick S*** and W**** out from Armani

and you're going to start looking after the boutique."

"We have two new people who will work with you as well"

"They didn't have as much experience as you do

but we see a lot of potential in them."

"So for now I need you to look after them,

take them under your wings."

"How do you feel about that?"

I smiled.

"I know it's a delicate situation, but if S*** and W****

have any problem with that, we're there for you."

I said, When do I start?

"Monday week. And we are revamping the Armani Boutique

They will have they're concept store ready by February

and It will be fantastic."

"But for now on, considering the situation,

just don't tell anyone."

I walked away, meeting the new guys, Im happy with them.

I looked at the other guys on the floor, and I knew that

once again I have proved them wrong.

When I started, everyone sorta underestimated me

but now Im hiding the final bomb.

I can't help feeling cautious though

As long as I haven't sign the actual contract

I feel like things might still change.

So I dont want to do anything until it's signed and done.

There I was, turning into one of the vicious sharks

To think of it, the exact date last year

I was about to be broken down the next day

when my ex broke up with me.

And here I am now, Im ready for a war.

Unstoppable than ever. I hope.

Unstoppable Than Ever. I Hope. part 2

2009-10-17T05:07:00.000-07:00

I finished work at 9 last night

went home, spoke to my Mom

I managed to go to a 30th birthday

in Southpaw Bar in Gertrude

and then Madame Brussel

and then Sorry Grandma

we had shots of tequila and B151

and then we smoked some ciggy

and then I saw this cute guy

tall blond, slightly muscular

so handsome but I dont find him attractive

and then we danced, and he danced next to me

I put my hand on his body

then we danced together

and he started kissing me

we made out on the dance floor

we didnt even talk, didnt even know his name

didnt like the way he kissed me though

I tried to slow him down but forget it

I told him, Ima see my friends

and I went home thinking,

its funny how I often kiss a guy in a straight night.

Unstoppable Than Ever. I Hope. part 1

2009-10-17T04:22:00.000-07:00

I was feeling really down on friday.

Like I just tried my best not to burst into tears at work.

It all started on thursday night, these questions and doubt.

I just couldnt help thinking, what if I made the wrong choice now?

I certainly dont want to look back and regret things.

What Im saying is, it's never easy to suddenly be responsible

with everything in your life.

Some people are luckier because they have more guidelines or plans

some have their family to point them to the right direction.

But I dont think anyone understand the way I see my life right now

the way I try to predict my future.

and the way I fear the future itself.

I was scared that every decision that I made for my career,

my social life, and everything in general leads me to a downfall

I dont want to fail in life

I have dreamed big from the beginning

I slowly get myself closer and closer to it.

But what if all this fail?

I got home from work, and feels like Im going to break down

but I decided to speak to my Mom.

She always have the most unpredictable answer to everything.

But she said "You can't be scared of stepping forward and making a mistake."

"You analyze the situation, make the best decision, and step forward."

"If you look back and think that you did wrong, just step back."

"Step back and do it again. Because then you know what's right."

I felt so relieved, I feared less. And I know she's there for me.

at the end, she said, "Making a mistake itself, is a part of making it right."

The Final Step

2009-10-01T01:50:00.000-07:00

I had my usual day off treat today

French crepes, a bit of red, and...

the definitely the sweetest French eye candy :)

we got to talk about me and my ex'es little rendezvous

I told them how I feel

and I had the best answer from Patrick

he was telling me the story about him and his ex

they tried to be friends but it was too awkward

they didnt end up being friends

in other words, it was just fully over

no friends, nothing. Just a history.

Then he asked me, "do you wanna be friends with him?"

Yeah, but honestly, not like we're friends

the truth is, there are friendship that happened

because the people in it click with each other

and so it's natural for them to be friends because

they enjoy each other's company

and then there are friendship that develop from

a "getting used to each other" or even history.

and I realised that if me and my ex are going to be friends

it would never going to be the natural friendship

it would be friendship that based on a history

it would never be hanging out with a friend

it would be "catching up with my ex"

That would be awkward.

Patrick continued, in his case he just quit it

there isn't any point for them to be friends

it's just done and it is the past.

My heart slightly pained when I heard that

"it's just over, it's in the past."

and yeah, of course there is nothing wrong with

having a regular "catching up with ex"

but what if these recurring rendezvous becomes

the new post-relationship relationship

I for sure dont want to keep having feelings for him

everytime we catch up, and this elongates

the break up process, it becomes the constant reminder

that we have a history, and for that Im scared that

I would never end up getting over him for real.

I realized that it is like you deciding to quit reading a book

and you keep the book open on a table next to you

you can't help but keep looking through it now and then.

What you should do is close the book.

And so my friends

I think that it should be the final step

to my break up.

Close the book. Make it a history.

Accept the fact that it is over completely.

And he should just be a guy I bump into

on the street, who happened to be my ex.

I think that cutting it short would

make it easier in the long term.

Like Im over it, but I think that as long as

I still have emotion to him, it means that

Im not completely over him.

I hope this final step would

help me get over it, completely.

Pre Break Up Anniversary

2009-09-30T07:23:00.000-07:00

It's almost a year since we broke up.

I can't believe how fast time goes

even thinking about it gives me a goosebumps

like I had this sudden emotional feeling

a year since that beautiful relationship ended

and thinking about things I went through the past year...

like I could cry thinking about all the ups and down

the denial, the decision to not get back together

I remember avoiding him, missing him,

crying for him, and striving to block out all the feelings

the many insecurities, the anger I had to him and the world

and not to forget... all the drunken nights

And the past week Ive been feeling emotional

its almost a year...

I keep feeling like I should see him

and find out how he has been

its almost like an unfinished business

I guess some part of me just really miss him

so I decided to text him and asked him to catch up

So we did today

I hugged him when I saw him

I knew I missed him. a lot.

I knew I still care a lot about this guy

and all the anger just disappeared

it was kinda awkward at first

but we ended up talking just the way we used to

The thing is, I then realised that he hasn't changed much

he's still very immature, hanging out with his young friends

and complains about work, and somehow

I felt like some part of him is okey or even

proud of that early-20-ish attitude.

And I guess that was why he broke up with me as first

you know, the indecisiveness, the self centred ness

I cant help being emotional looking at him

like this guy, I just wanna hug him because I miss him a lot

yet I know for sure that things are never going to work out

and that is the reason why I didnt want to get back together

Im a logical person, and I dont do things that wont work out

I went home after saying bye to him

and giving him another big hug

on the way home, I found myself back to the old question

this question was in my head a year ago

"When it comes to love and relationship,

should we be following our heart, or our brain?"

Rockin' It With King Kong

2009-09-29T16:23:00.000-07:00

It was funny in the weekend

Like I was planning to go out fri, sat, sun night.

Friday was a big fail, terrible weather

it was supposed to be dj Sammy Jo at Closet on friday

I went and it was so dead... so I left early

then saturday I have a friends house party

again shit weather, so I stayed in

and then sunday and another shit weather

it was Gay Bash at Sorry Grandma

I went and it was one of the best party ever...

Olympic Games was the theme that night

you get in and they will give you a fake drug test

I came out negative

people were dressing up like athletes

and Grecian god/goddess

I wore my black draped cowl neck top

Everyone danced and have fun

people introduce themselves to me

everyone was so friendly and drunk

my new BFF introduced me to his model friend

he's straight, but yeah whatever, he's a model in a gay party

he kissed me on my cheek and said you smell so good.

I smiled, thank you, and left and danced again

my BFF also know this other slightly less hot model

but this guy was dancing topless

and everyone threw themselves to him

and so I did

I danced near him, and when he started lookin at me

I grab his muscular arm and danced closer to him

I didnt expect anything

just me dancing body to body with a model

he's just perfectly toned. its very nice to dance to

especially when I run my hands on his body.

we introduced each other

then he said, "look at your baby face."

I said, guess how old I am.

"nineteen?"

shook my head, thirty two

"No way!" he moved closer and said

"what's your secret? Did you put cum all over your face everynight?"

I laughed, No no. That might work though.

"So tell me your secret."

You dont need anything, you're perfect.

A kissed on my cheek and then I left dancing again.

it was so cold and windy in the smoking area

came back from my ciggy break

making my way to the dance floor and

saw this handsome rugged-ey guy

we shared the glance and then then dance together

he then lift me up, my arms holding him around his neck

his arm was on my back, pressing my body to his body

his other hand stayed firm lifting my upper thigh

my legs around his hips

and we were rockin' it

I felt like I was dancing with King Kong

at the end of the night he came back and talk to me

he gave me his name, no number

he said, "meet me up at Hairy Canary, thursday 12 o'clock..."

peacefulness

2009-09-27T05:49:00.000-07:00

Lovers Come And Go...

2009-09-10T17:05:00.001-07:00

Style last forever. Ha!

Current State Of Mind

2009-09-09T07:43:00.000-07:00

I feel really cold.

I meant seriously I feel like I haven't felt anything for anyone.

Guys are just so disappointing.

You know, they're gonna do anything and say anything

to get into your pants.

And when they realize they can't get you

they would start opening up

and show his disappointing real self.

Fuck it, like Im happy as long as Im thin

and I still make money and have my friends.

I just don't see myself finding someone

good enough for me.

I mean, this break up thing has made

my standard goes way up there.

Like I can't let myself getting disappointed by the same things again.

So seriously bye-bye to insecure boys.

Boys who lacks of determination and don't work hard.

Immature boys. I supposed younger is alright, but MATURE.

I don't want boys who's still in their druggie phase.

I don't like haters.

The good things about being 24 is...

I feel like I finally meet more mature people

and these people can see and appreciate me (because Ive always been

more mature than my real age)

I keep imagining myself being with someone

who is so awesome and someone who intimidate

and at the same time look after me.

And when I think of my past relationship

I really think I was such a good loving boyfriend.

Seriously. And Im hotter when Im in a relationship :)

Well, hopefully I would meet him one day.

But right now I should just focus on fixing my heart.

Big Fucked Messed Up

2009-09-07T04:49:00.000-07:00

Thursday night and it was all messy

made out with someone I shouldn't have

then everyone thought I was a bitch

because my friend likes this guy

and it was his birthday

then the guy passed out, and puked

had to go outside with him

and his friends thought I spiked his drink

and then he had to go to hospital

and the next day my supervisor

told me he liked me

and that made me feel awful

I felt like a mean mean meanest biatch in the world.

Saturday night went out, drunk, swiped my card

woke up the next day and got a text from Mom

its all family mess all over again.

Called my aunty only to find out more of the mess

at the end she said "Kamu satu-satunya harapan Ibumu."

Epiphany?

2009-08-30T17:48:00.000-07:00

Yeah pretty much I dont even know how to say

or spell the word correctly.

But yeah I found out that you only make good money in retail

if you become a sales manager.

And that takes ages to get there.

And I found out as well that doing

fashion degree in RMIT is about 2500 per semester

that would be achievable if I have a full time job

How am I supposed to study full time

and work full time too?

Can I just get money from somewhere?

Last night me and my friend from work

went for a drink and we thought of some ideas

like what I can do to get enough money from a part time job

we thought I should be a prostitute, like a high class prostitute

and he'd be my pimp, so he gotta start socializing with

rich high class society and get me some clients.

Our market would be European billionaire who are into asian.

So we made our line "Why go to Bangkok and Bali when you can have Jerome?"

Anyway back to fashion,

Ive been questioning a lot whether I have the talent or not

But I decided that may be this time I should

stop thinking too much about it, and instead

I would just do it because I love it.

Im just a lot insecure, and I realize something else

All this time, I kept thinking that guys who like me are losers.

If there is a guy who show any interest I would

start wondering if he was a loser.

And I didnt do it because Im a bitch

but because Im so insecure I dont think

any good guy or great guy would wanna be with me.

August Highlights

2009-08-26T04:05:00.000-07:00

went home for a week

just to find that there is more problem

got a new laptop though

considering of getting a banking job next year

like I should do it for my family

I cant believe even though I thought

I was fine here all this time

my sister still thinks of me as the spoilt one

she thinks that I make everything hard for everybody else

but yeah fuck it

may be I should make millions and shut her mouth

but if I make million I'd make sure

to pay enough money for the Indo judge

so that he stayed in jail forever...

Im still so thin, but I stop thinking I wanna be thinner

at the moment got throat infection

I think girlfriends are typically more demanding

even more demanding that campy queeny gay friends

and I get annoyed everytime my girlfriends get all

too sensitive and all that

I realised I met so many people from work

and most of them are hot, I like being surrounded

by hot people, it makes me feel more positive somehow

like I can be in an insecurity-free zone with them

I have to save up some money for real

gotta pay my bills this month

meaning I might be missing out on fashion week

but who gives a shit Ive got way too many things in my head

Ive been dancing to this song and made video of it! mwa mwa

How Close Is Too Close?

2009-08-26T03:41:00.000-07:00

Hey Hey... Gosh Ive been working non-stop since I come back. Sunday was the only day off I had, and this week, I only have one friday off. Like Ive been doing some extra work for David Jones because my manager is away, my supervisor is sick and the other supervisor got promoted to women's building... Hmmm so even though it's not official, basically Ive been doing some supervisor's work...

Anyway, lately Ive been having coffee and lunch break with a supervisor from children's wear. Just say his name is J. I knew him from a friend of mine, and like we hanged out together once and we sorta just clicked. No almost every time we work the same day, he would pick me up from upstairs and we'd have break together. Like I reckon he's such a nice nice nice guy, easy to talk to. Basically it's just really cool to hang out with him.

The thing is, some people from my floor have been kinda hinting that they think we were dating or something like that. Including some people I really dont like from my floor. And gosh, it feels really good to hear their reaction when they thought something was happening between me and J. Like, I told them that nothing is happening, but inside I want them to keep thinking that there is something happening. You know, like I want them to think "dont mess with Jerome, he's with the higher power."

Hmmm I caught up with J last weekend, and Im catching up with him again this weekend. He asked me to watch a movie with him. Like, hmmmm and I cant help thinking, as much as I know for sure I only want to be friends with him, what does he think of me? I have previously stated that I dont want any kind of relationship with boys at the moment, and like I really hope he gets what I mean, and that is if he was actually interested. Like I dunno, but I hope you guys know what I mean, like I might've read the wrong message. But seriously, if that is so like I thought, I dont want to lead someone on. And ummm how close is too close between an employee and a supervisor?

Reality Check

2009-08-18T05:29:00.000-07:00

I came back to Indonesia for a week last, like a week ago. My plan was actually just to see my family, and kinda hoping that I could cry that one year of tears that Ive been holding inside. But I forgot that going home isnt exactly like that. I forgot it was more like a place to pretend that everything in Melbourne is fine. My mom is too weak to know anything that Ive been going through here. I mean, I understand that she has too many things to handle herself. And my sister, she's too caught up in her own family drama that she created.

It was really annoying how everyone seems to think that my only problem in Melbourne is my recent weight loss. People were saying, "you're so thin." and "you're too thin, make sure you eat more." And they came with one conclusion, "that Im too busy working so I stop eating properly." Like in my head I thought, it would be good if it was only that simple. I simply cant believe noone attempted to ask me why I've lost weight.

Like, going home is like a reality check. I didn't have the chance to let go and feel. It was more like finding out that there are more problems happening there. I just had to deal with these problems. I came back to Melbourne and I was very broken. But then I realise, it is not a problem, it's a condition and there is nothing to do. Just deal with it.

Trying Out My MacBook Pro

2009-08-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

Fashionancial Advice #17

2009-08-02T22:44:00.000-07:00

Well just some sneak peak of my new book "Recession Fashion".

"Check out vintage shoes from savers. They're about 8 or 10 dollars. And just take them to shoe repair place and get extra sole added. That way it last longer. That should cost about 20 dollars. That means you have a long lasting classic casual shoes for 28 or 30 dollars."

"Vintage jumpers are awesome. Every op shop and second hand shop have them, also camberwell market. Dont worry about the jumbo size, because thats the part of the look. Always try to get the 100% wool. If you are bored of the oversize jumper look, you can put it in a laundry bag, wash them with warm or hot water, then put it in the dryer for at least 2 hours and you would get a distressed shrunken felt jumper. Dont forget to check your dryer every 20 minutes and just keep an eye on it, you dont want to burn the natural fiber."

"If you're bored of your polyester tees, you can change the shape, or create a permanent crease on any parts that you want by spraying a bit of water on it just to get some moisture in it. Then scrunch it in any areas that you want, use rubber band to hold the creases, and then put it in microwave for 3 minutes. Keep an eye on it, and check it every minutes. When its done, you would get permanent crease on your tees. Meaning new tees."

Thats all for now, more coming on my new book.

Fashionancial Advice #1

2009-08-02T22:26:00.000-07:00

"Everyone should be true to themselves when they choose what they wear. Fashion should be another expression of your personality, your identity, and everything that makes you who you are. It's supposed to accentuate your outer and inner beauty. I believe that people can only truly look good when they know who they are, because then they would know what looks good on them."

Jarome Jackson
Fashionancial Minister

Im Alright

2009-08-01T07:23:00.000-07:00

Finally I get to post new thing, my housemate led me use his laptop, until I get a new one in a few weeks time. So how have I been? I've been alright actually. You know, still working, stil losing weight, and still dealing with the post break up.

I actually realise that there is no way I can describe how breaking up is like. Like, it's getting better but at the same time it feels like it's just evolving from one phase to another. From numb, to feeling something, to a different kind of feeling, to numb again, and then to different emotion, and so on, but I still believe that its only gonna get better.

I still feel very fucking insecure about myself. Still annoyed by things, still thinking about it, still angry about it, still having that care but disgusted when I think of him and what he did. Still thinking that it's none of our fault, but still thinking that he fucked it up.

There is just no way I can try to describe how I feel. mwa.

Im a Geeeeek!

2009-07-13T03:52:00.001-07:00

Devoooooooo, Im so devo.
Well not so much but seriously Im bored of not having any
action or even a fling lately.
Planning to get my haircut.
Planning to go back to uni for fashion degree next year.
Still havent fixed my pc.
Im bored nothing much with me
just busy working again. Like Im still skinny
I dont even know what to tell you.
Ive been watching all harry potter movie, like
Im a geek now.
But yeah, I dont mean to be snobbish or stuck up
but like I just wanna be left alone when I have a day off
I cant be fucked to talk.
Mwa mwa, I still love you all. Some of you hehehe.
I wanna go out but saving money...

Fine and Deadly

2009-06-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

Been working a lot
my pc broke
so been using psp for facebook
been proud of how settled Ive been
been proud of how skinnier I am
been grateful for my job
been grateful for being able to control my spending
been happy with new things
been so content about what I have achieved
been wanting to tell you, you suck, look at me I'm fine and deadly.
been thinking, you should be feeling like you made a big mistake.

anyway Im 59 kilos today. bye loser.

OMFG It's so My Song!!!

2009-05-22T07:11:00.000-07:00

Never took a scene check

Never were a reject

Honey lookin perfect

Now you aren't so in step

in step

in step

in step

You had your photograph, in a magazine

Such a pretty boy, only nineteen

But now your twenty-three and it's all gone now

you ain't all that, you wanna be somehow

Maybe it was only a dream!

You just thought you could be anything that you wanted to be

Sadly, it all went wrong so

Never took a scene check

Never were a reject

Honey lookin perfect

Now you aren't so in step

in step

in step

in step

Still just go to the same old clubs

But the new kids have got one above

Music tastes change like the wind

You're doin now what's already been

And you still think that you're so it

Cause you know so and so, and you made a hit

But you can't hear it being played

Cause you my friend have had your day

Never took a scene check

Never were a reject

Honey lookin perfect

Now you aren't so in step

in step

in step

in step

Turn Cold (3)

2009-05-05T22:57:00.000-07:00

I finished work, cought up with Kiki and Julia. Just when I was waiting for them I had lots of shits in my head. My mom, my sister's convicted boyfriend (or husband), and those people around me whom sometimes I thought are so pointless to even know them. May be I was just hungover and tired.

But seriously what is it that you get from people who annoy you, irritate you, offend you? Arent we friends because we're supposed to make each other happy? I'm getting tired of investing so much time and effort to people who never even make me feel happy. Why do that? So much more time was even invested in my doomed relationship, and what do I get from it?

I mean, Im through with people's shit. I have my own things to handle. So really, I cant deal with people who want me to cop their shit too. I thought, I can easily replace them with some new people. It's me, I've done that before and I can do that again, anytime I want. I don't even need them. Why stress out about them when I can just chill and do what's best for me.

Another question came into my head. An old question I had every now and then, "Why didnt 'you and I' work out?" May be things are better when you're alone and depending only on doing what's best for you.

Turn Cold (2)

2009-05-05T22:22:00.001-07:00

I had to shower, Asian way. I finally hung up the phone, turned the heater on next to me. I duck in the big bucket, got some hot water from the basin and pour it on my body. Fuck me, my legs are too long for the fucking bucket. They still kinda stick out from the bucket area, so the water drips everywhere. But I thought it was okey, at least it wasnt as cold as I thought.

And I was wrong. The moment I start scrubbing soaps on my body, I realised how cold it was. Makes sense, no warm water running on you. My heater just seemed to make it worse. I just quickly get another bucket of hot water clean the soap on my body and was just swearing to myself. Fuck this shower shit ass. Fuck my hangover. So I dried myself using the hairdryer. Now, time to wash my hair.

I bent over so my head could get as close as possible to the wash basin. Put my head under the water thingy and put some shampoo. And motherfucker, shampoo went to my eyes. I quickly try to pull my head out from the water basin thing, and knocked my head to the water thingy (you know, the long thingy where the water pours out of it). So I thought enough, Im not doing this anymore. I'd rather shower at my friend's place.

Went to work, surprisingly I was still drunk enough to act nice and smile to everyone. Until, 2pm, and I was out of it. Finished work, cought up with Kiki and Julia, showered at her place. Warm shower, I would never take that for granted ever again.

PS. In case you're wondering what happened with the party... The police came, people had to go inside, no more music. The next day, the neighbours were screaming at them, telling them how outraged they are because of the laneway party. And they got fined. $500 fine...

Turn Cold (1)

2009-05-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

It all starts with a water stain on the ceiling. Apparently we have some problems with our tiles in the shower cubicle. So that saturday afternoon, during my short coffee break, I got a message from my housemate telling me that we would not be able to use the shower for at least 2 weeks. Fuck me. They said, they need a week to dry the ceiling, and another week to fix it.

My housemate said it's ok because they bought a huge bucket so we can put it next to our small basin, so we can use another small bucket to get water from the basin and pour it on our body while we duck or scoot in the big bucket. Fuck me, it's so primitive. So like what I did when I was little in Indo. Ah another thing, we're meant to put a heater on next to us when we shower coz my housemate said it would be cold.

I completely forgot that I had to go to this big house party that night. It was Macaulay Culkin's theme. I went as Richie Rich for the sake of the irony because I was wearing my $7.50 blazer from savers :P I went with some beers to Carlton North. I got there and oh gosh, one of the best things I've ever seen in my life. It was 3 houses next to each other, and they decided to make this party together, so at the end it was a big party in the alley way. The crowed are also mixed, I guess each house has different kind of guess. Also different kind of music. It was awesome.

I met my old friends. I met many new people. I saw so many hippies. I saw so many rich hippies. I saw college students. I saw the hot jocks. It was great. I met a guy who works for David Jones as well, we properly introduced each other and finally talked that night. And I fucking met one of my happy customer! I sold him a $1,400 worth of suit from Gieves and Hawkes. He seemed happy, he bought it for his interview and he is doing well :) Fucking random though meeting your customers in a house party when you're drunk.

I decided to go home around 2am, I had to work that morning. I remembered, people taking e's only to find out that the neighbours called the cops. So the cops came, and ordered everyone to stay inside and turn off the music. I remembered their bright lights and the alley way. I walked out from the party, run into a pole when catching a cab home.

I woke up the next day having to get ready to work. My mom texted me around 6am. She wanted to talked to me about my sister's shit again. I called her, and just listened to her with my shoulder holding my phone against my ear, while Im brushing my teeth. I was just listening to her crying. And I realised I couldn't use the fucking shower. Fuck me...

P.S. go to cinema now. NOW!

2009-04-30T20:59:00.000-07:00

Dude, dont you think we all have to go to cinema now. Right NOW? With the fucking swine flu pandemic, its only a matter of minutes til it reaches Melbourne. When that happens, they would close cinemas (and possibly bars too?) just like what happened in Mexico, to minimise the risk of viral infection outbreak. So go to cinema tonight. You might not be able to do that tomorrow.

Climb, Climb, Climb Higher...

2009-04-30T20:19:00.000-07:00

I've got to get ready to work in about one and a half hour... I havent done jackshit since this morning and that's what I hate about working in the afternoon, I just can't do anything... Anyway I feel like going out for a few drinks tonight, just a few drinks coz I have to work tomorrow morning... and sunday as well. Ah well my partying days are over I should be more serious from now on.

I met my ex'es cousin yesterday, she was somehow very bitchy to me (always has been) and she was telling me that she works next door to my apartment. She did mention it was boring job. Now is it just me or everyone around me have been bitching about works recently. Like I do bitch about work too but I think Im used to it by now. Im not saying that bitching about your work is bad, in fact everyone do it. And then she asked me how is everything with David Jones, and I answered, the same answer I give to everyone who ask me the same question, "I dont love it, but yeah it's a job. I dont hate it. I simply dont want to sweat about it too much. At the end of the day it pays."

Like I think it's called work for a reason. People have to "work". Now you dont always have to love what you do. I mean you would be one of a thousand super lucky people if you get your dream job and loving it. But again, there would always be those days when you're stressing out about it. Because that's what work is. So bitching is fine, but seriously dont sweat it too much. If you dont like it then quit it. Dont let the negative energy affect you.

Anyway, I cant be fucked doing anything at the moment. Listening to Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Zero. Im gonna get up and make myself some milky oatmeal, and may be some pancakes as well. Shit, I have to do the dishes. I still miss my family a lot, Im jealous of people who have their family around. It's just not fair sometimes. Like I mean, I have done so many things recently and my mom and my sister arent here so I can share it with them.

Oh well, Im not being a drama queen. I dont like them. Im gonna eat my breakfast and then go to work, hopefully Achira or Tara would be working the shoes department so I could hide in the shoe reserves and sit down and have our own little bitch, and probably try a few shoes...

Sunday Morning Song

2009-04-26T07:03:00.000-07:00

Contemplating Completeness

2009-04-26T06:37:00.000-07:00

I have a plan in my head. It seems perfect to me but to everyone else it might seem very selfish, immature and a little thoughtless. I want to go back to uni next year doing fashion. I don't want to do any accounting job. I want to keep doing fashion. That's what I want to do. But then doesn't that mean all this 4 years of hard work and money that I spent on my degree would go to waste?

Cintaku Hidupku Harapanku Duniaku Bahagiaku

2009-04-25T09:12:00.000-07:00

If I ever could ask who I want to be, I would wanna be with him... We would make a good couple... Cintaku Hidupku Harapanku Duniaku Bahagiaku... mwa...

Hahahaha I meant I had the biggest crush on this guy. And Im proud of what he has achieved...

2.39 am

2009-04-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

Hmmm nothing much. Went home from work and had dinner and watch tv for a bit. And then I nap for about 2 hours so I cant sleep right now. Good thing that Im working at 12 tomorrow. I have been working a lot lately. And its great. Im loving it, this is what I wanted. A routine. I work, go home, dinner, chill, sleep, and work again and so on. And I still get to have fun in weekend or whenever I can. Did I tell you David Jones loves me and they offered me a part time position? I feel so proud of it. Yes I know, its only a retail job, and I think I deserve better than that. But come on, it's David Jones and I only started working for them in November. You know, it's another prove that hard worl pays. I hate the work politics though. But I think Im doing it well :P

I havent been going out, so it's good. Only planning to go for Amar's birthday this saturday, and I will not be going out. Im only going to the dinner. I feel fine so far. No boys at the moment but it's good. You know I cant be with any of them at the moment anyway.

Hey, Im starting to kinda realise that I unconsciously never really believe or at least I never really think of keeping a long term relationship. I dream of it, but I just dont think that I actually have the gut to keep it as a long term. You know, growing up as a muslim in Asia, with a lot of responsibility for my family, it's just somehow not my priority. Like what I mean is, I want it but somehow lately I've been realising that compared to many of my friends, I dont think as much about actually having it or trying to get it when I think of my future. Somehow it's just not one of those priority to me. When I think of the future, I picture happyness from career and success, and keeping my Mom and my sister happy.

It's getting late and Im talking more non-sense. Ive been spending my money better lately. Especially since I moved to Jonny's apartment and work regularly. I cute down my smoking to only 2 packs a week (from a pack a day). But it doesnt mean that I put some money on my saving. See this is how it works for me. I spend half of my salary on shopping and also as always good money and good wine, and then the rest I somehow try to manage living on the rest of my money. I started to realised that shopping and those dine out makes me happy. Im still however sometimes think of how much money I had before, how much my Mom would send me. I was rich. Im just scared that Im gonna end up being that kinda person whose happyness only depends on how much he earn and how much he can spend.

Have a listen to Hey Little Rich Girl by The Specials.

Sasha's Questions...

2009-04-18T07:15:00.000-07:00

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage = Summer Strawberry ice cream and milk.
2. last phone call = Andrew
3. last text message = to Sasha
4. last song you listened to = Vampire Weekend, Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa
5. last time you cried = few months ago

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice = no and I dont really believe it
7. been cheated on = hopefully not
8. kissed someone & regretted it = yes
9. lost someone special = yes...
10. been depressed = very super sad yes but I dont think I was depressed, its a big word
11. been drunk and threw up = yeah not so bad anymore, I think Im well trained.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. wine-red
13. navy
14. black

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. made a new friend = yes, many of them actually.
16. fallen out of love = kinda
17. laughed until you cried = yeap, drunk night in denpasar, with Liz, Mary, Budi and Leo.
18. met someone who changed you = Yeah I love people who inspire me.
19. found out who your true friends were = everyone is my true friend hahahah
20. found out someone was talking about you = yes and I made sure the got what they deserve too. Asshole.
21. kissed anyone on your friend's list = yes

THINGS THAT DESCRIBE ME:
22. how many people on your friends list do you know in real life = All but one, but this guy taught me spanish.

23. how many kids do you want to have = I either wanna have 3 kids or no kids
24. do you have any pets = I wanna have cats and may be puppies.
25. do you want to change your name = I dont think so but I want to use my dad's last name so I would be: badra hariadi.
26. what did you do for your last birthday = I had a fantastic dinner with my ex at seamstress. Loved it. Got home and found my friends made a surprise party!
27. what time did you wake up today = 8 am!
28. what were you doing at midnight last night = watching Skins in bed.
29. name something you CANNOT wait for = having enough money to go overseas and do a fashion degree.
30. last time you saw your mother = Last year in August.
31. what is one thing you wish you could change about your life? = hmmm I hate saying there are quite a few... But hmmm I wish I'd be taking more chance in life.
32. what are you listening to right now = Done Done by Frankmusik
33. have you ever talked to a person named Tom = I talked kissed and slept with Tom.
34. what's getting on your nerves right now = Some stuff from work.
35. most visited webpage = Facebook and youtube
36. what's your real name = Badra
37. nicknames = Andra, Andha, dra, B, Badj, Baji.
38. relationship status = single
39. zodiac sign = Gemini
40. male or female? = male!
41. elementary? = SD Islam 3
42. middle school = SMP 1 pekalongan
43. high school/college = SMU 1 Jalan Kartini
44. hair color = black
45. long or short = short boyish short
46. height = 174 cm
47. do you have a crush on someone? = yes
48: what do you like about yourself? = HmmI eat a lot and I stay thin?
49. piercings = none
50. tattoos = no, I want to but my Mom will kill me
51. righty or lefty = Righty

FIRSTS :
52. first injury = I poked my forehead with a metal stick when I was 4, I still have the scar
53. first piercing = not yet?
54. first best friend = Ina and Achonk
55. first sport you joined = swimming
56. first vacation = I think my family took me to Borobudur but I cant remember, I have the pics.
58. first pair of trainers = Something white with a blue tick.

RIGHT NOW
59. eating = I stop eating at 9.
60. drinking = water
61. I'm about to = watch skins and sleeps
62. listening to = Billie Holiday "Glad to be Unhappy"
63. waiting on = sleeping

YOUR FUTURE :
64. want kids?= Not so sure but most likely no.
65. get married? = Not so sure. But would love to have someone.
66. career? = Top Fashion Design Job in New York
67. lips or eyes = eyes
68. hugs or kisses = Hugs but dont mind kisses as long as it's slow, soft and intense...
69. shorter or taller = taller
70. older or younger = I somehow have this rules, only 4 years gap. Preferably older, but dont mind younger as long as I can be proud of it.
71. romantic or spontaneous = Spontanious, thrilling.
72. nice stomach or nice arms = Nice arms...
73. sensitive or loud = in between
74. hook-up or relationship = relationship but I dont want something restraining
75. trouble-maker or hesitant = in between.

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. kissed a stranger = yes
77. drank hard liquor = yes
78. lost glasses/contacts = dont need them
79. had sex on first date = nope!
80. broken someone's heart = I might've
81. had your own heart broken = yes
82. been arrested = no, I have good lawyers!
83. turned someone down = yes, but I regret it so much!
84. cried when someone died = yes yes I have feelings too
85. fallen for a friend? = nope

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. yourself = only when I tell myself to
87. miracles = not really.
88. love at first sight? = all the time, cintaku hidupku duniaku bahagiaku harapanku
89. heaven = yes
90. Santa Claus = NO!
91. kiss on the first date = duh yeah.
92. angels = Not angels with wings. Just angels.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time = No and Never will
95. did you sing today? = more like humming.
96. ever cheated on somebody? = never and that something I know I wont do.
97. if you could go back in time, how far would you go?= Just the time when I still have my family around me.
98. if you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = one of those drunken days with good food good wine good cocktails after a whole day shopping
99. are you afraid of falling in love? = I love having a crush, but love is a different story.
100. posting this as 100 truths? = nooooooooooo!

Senja

2009-04-18T07:09:00.000-07:00

Duhai senja, dan hari kemarin. Berapa senjakah harus berlalu senyap warna jingga agar senyapnya merasuki pikiran kalutku yang buntu. Musim dingin sudah menghangat, yang hangat sudah membeku tapi otak dan hatiku tidak kian surut beradu. Asmara masih merah bagai lahar menyeruak sebagaimana pula amarah dalam duka dalam sepi dalam hidup yang semakin nestapa. Duhai senja, akulah satu jiwa yang tersesat di hari yang lalu.

Skins and Tony

2009-04-08T16:36:00.000-07:00

I borrowed Skins from Josh, I didnt even know what that would be. I just thought I want to stay home and watch dvd. But goooooosh, its fucking awesome! I love it. I finally love a teen tv drama! And I have borrowed season one and two, so I'll be watching one episode everynight!

Thing is, I kinda thought that Tony is cute. Not like physically cute. But it's his coolness, and naughty ness, and he'a a bad boy, and he's tall and I dont know, something about his look is very cool. Check out this video from the first season ep one, when he sings, I like the second version in this video. But how wrong is that that he is actually only 19, like what the fuck is with me and younger boys lately? Like I think Im old now and Im still trapped in my 18hoodness. Even gross when I showed my housemate this show, and he said, "He looks familiar. He looks like the boy from that movie About The Boy, Hugh Grant movie."

And he was right, Tony was that little boy from that movie. Gross. But good to know some kids are actually growing into good looking boys.

Trash Love. Sweet.

2009-04-05T04:36:00.000-07:00

Im just repeating what I said to Sashark today.

So a hotboy I had a fling with ended up being trashy and get into a relationship with this fashion-try~hard trash. Not that I care but who doesnt secretly wish that the guy you slept with would somehow be in love with you? Not necessarily a serious kinda love but I think everyone secretly hope that he would be into you more than you're into him.

Anyway, despite the fact that I'm secretly annoyed, I really find that super sweet. I mean, I find it sweet how two trash, find love in each other. Like, it's just a solid proof that love isnt only for people on TV. You dont have to be classy or have a good life to be in love, and to be lovable. It's like there is something sweet about how they see each other beyond the trashiness that other people see in them. It's just like Shrek, but instead of ugly fat ogres, they are two trashy boys. Sweet.

Sophisticated Sappy

2009-04-02T23:06:00.000-07:00

I feel like saying this, people might think that my life is almost perfect but I know now that it wont feel complete without you.

Jarome Jackson

Life and Those Sad Sophisticated Stories

2009-04-02T22:22:00.000-07:00

I know I havent blogged for a while, and not because life is boring at the moment. A lot of things happened. I got an interview with Emporio Armani, moved back to my old apartment, and mary left yesterday. Good thing is, I finally got my residency yesterday! At the moment though my computer is dead, so Im actually doing this from my PSP!

One Perfect Saturday Night

2009-03-16T03:06:00.000-07:00

So yeah, last saturday' weather was so shit/great? I mean it was cold, cloudy, dark, grey and rainy. But it was to me the perfect day to stay in. Especially since I kinda went out on friday night. So i decided to get groceries, cooked some green thai curry, bought some meat pies, and strawberry ice cream. Mary went out that night so I had the whole apartment for myself. Plus i had sunday off. So the result was, the perfect saturday night in. I ate 4 bowls of curry and rice, in my sofa under my blanket, then have 2 meat pies, and had around 5 portions of ice cream plus milk. I was watching dvd too... aah I fell asleep like a baby. And I loved it.

mwa mwa.

Classy Is Back!

2009-03-12T09:18:00.000-07:00

I had good one last night. I finished work, and finally having a day off, watched confession of a shoppaholic, and went for dinner, and then one gin and tonic, and then catching up with Phillip, and so good to see him so happy! I didnt get drunk, went to IQ fully sober and again enjoying meeting people with my soberness. I feel so sophisticated, and I love that feeling. It's like a substitute for alcohol-fun. I like just smiling and just be classy and give them a good impression about myself... mwa mwa, life is hard I'm not gonna make it harder.

My New Song

2009-03-02T16:31:00.000-08:00

Seriously in love with this song at the moment. It's like a happy song! And oh my goodness, totally love what Andre 3000 is wearing here. He's the most stylish, I'd love to look like that!

Fuck Me, Frowning Clouds!

2009-02-28T20:51:00.001-08:00

So I spent my saturday night at home. Quiet, nothing eventful. I didn't read, didn't watch any movies, didn't cook or eat, didn't drink anything. It felt horrible. The lonelyness felt so aweful I could cry if I want to. I talked to my sister friend on facebook and found out (this time for real) that my sister is married. She didn't even tell me...

And then there I was, lonely, sober, and thinking "How many thing have I had to go through this past 4 months?" First, breaking up with Tim, and then I was broke, I haven't got a proper job that could pay the bill. And then Denny left, Mary is leaving, I had a fight with her for a while, and I had to find a place to live because I can't keep this apartment, I could probably be homeless. But somehow I feel like I can deal with this. I think Im stronger, and Im gonna be fine.

So today, I woke up, went to the Victoria Market, wearing my new outfit. Went there alone, and had fun grocery shopping. Bought some salmon steak, some meat and vegies, and of course, mangoes. On the way back I saw this band playing, I knew them, I saw them before! I love them, The Frowning Clouds, they're so young but they're like the Rollingstones of Melbourne! They were singing Im Alright, and I felt like, "yeah Im ok. I just need to get things right from now on." So I decided that Im gonna do the right things this time. No more excessive drinking, and try harder to get a job. And it will be fine.

By the way last night I had a dream, someone was telling me a secret recipe for the perfect soup. Bu then when everyone left, this mysterious person whisper in my ear, "Believe me, it's only salt and pepper." Yeah I woke up and I thought, it was like a scene in Kung Fu Panda. But it might be right, sometimes it only takes some simple things to make it perfect...

Humanitarian Jarome

2009-02-28T06:18:00.001-08:00

"I'm still friends with them (activists and humanitarians) even though we don't see each other that often. They're like a bridge to me. A bridge to the real world, they help me help do something to save the world and help people in Africa."

Jarome Jackson on being humanitarian.

"It's such a fucking fuckery. He only does that coz that's the only thing that makes him feel human."

And Nikolas Karageorge is not happy.

BF/GF Material

2009-02-25T01:21:00.000-08:00

I heard someone said to me, "I think, he's just such a boyfriend material." And after that I can't stop thinking, "What exactly is a boyfriend or girlfriend material like?"

Billie Holiday Inspired

2009-02-19T05:01:00.000-08:00

So here it is some sketches ispired by Billie Holiday. I read her brief life story and was so inspired by her strugles and determination. Also, this is a part of the Back To Black Collection, so it's still all about tragedy, doomed love story, and dark. I think Im gonna use the song below for the fashion show as well!

Just Me, The Night, And a Glass of Merlot

2009-02-18T06:29:00.000-08:00

Ok seriously, if you are reading this, please read the previous blog entry first because that one is super important to me... I feel chatty, may be Im feeling lonely. May be I need to talk. But I feel fine. I cut my arm yesterday (ladder accident) so I find it hard to type. But yes may be Im feeling lonely. And it's good and bad at the same time. Just me, the night, and a glass of my cheap nice merlot. Billie Holiday is singing Moonglow for me. And somehow wine just taste sweeter. Im not planning to go out this weekend, but may be I should. You know what a lonely heart can do, right? But again my heart has died, so it seems that I could use some friends around me without having to spend too much money.

I started to think it's stupid to spend money on alcohol. Money can buy me time with friends, but alcohol makes me forget all the fun. And dear friends, answer my stupid question. What do people do when they have nothing to do? What if there are a lot of time and nothing to do? I tend to think, and I dont like thinking and feeling.

Ah, life can be maaaarvelous but what do people do to make life marvelous? Billie Holiday is being such a darl for singing Moonglow one more time. Tell me, what does a lonely person with limited money, and a lot of time to spend, do to make life maaarvelous? Ah my heart has died, I don't know how to feel things properly.

The Only Constant Is Change

2009-02-18T05:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the exact 10 years after my dad's passing away. I prayed for him, I hope he find some peace. I miss him a lot, I can't even describe it. Imagine you want to talk to someone so bad, but he's just no where you can find. Can't text him, can't call him. But I still feel him around when I miss him. I love him, always. The only man I ever love LOVE...

By the way he taught me so many times, that the only constant is change. Sounds like a theory in a management subject, yeah? Well, it is. But, it really does apply in everything, I guess it is an absolute thing. Ah and these past few months, you guys might've known, that there are soooo many changes I have to go through. The most recent one would be, Denny. He went home for good. And yesterday I found Mary's going home for good too. And I feel like this is too much for me... Like, how many times do I have to say goodbye in 6 months? I hate goodbyes.

Another problem would be, my apartment. Mary's not here, meaning I have to find a new place. Im totally screwed. I would love to get a cool new place, but at the same time, I dont have money. See, Im not as rich as I used to be anymore. (I was really rich). And I need to get a good job, a real job. Get money and get new place. It all seems too much for me. I don't know how Im going to handle this. On top of everything, I can't believe my sister just couldn't care less about my shit, and just get self-consumed with her own shit, and her shit husband and her fug step kids shit.

Good thing is today I got paid. So I had an ok (but not so fabulous and definately cheaper) lunch with an old friend and just bitch about what shit that we'd been through. Then had 2 beers at Matchbox. Yes dear friends, only had 2 of them. I could not afford my old fabulous lifestyle, drinking from 1 pm till 1 am. I could not afford them. But good thing again, I decided to cook myself some carbonara, bought a bottle of nice Merlot for 7.50, and bought 2 mangoes. Dinner, nice wine and mangoes. It is probably the new lifestyle I should be living. It was fantastic, in a simpler way. I must be getting use to this, and I should enjoy the simpleness and sweetness of this. I will be going to bed soon, with one of the fashion book I borrowed from city library. Voila, sweet simple life.

Back again, I know I still have lots of shit I have to deal with. But I think I will deal with it one by one. And as my dad said change is the only constant, meaning I should try to work with the changes because it will always be there. And yes sometimes I have to work harder, but it is life, and it can't always be easy. But at least hard work will get you somewhere better. So I will get myself new friends, and somehow new place to live. Wish me luck... mwa mwa.

It Was Friggin' Huuuuuuuuuge!

2009-02-16T00:35:00.000-08:00

I saw, I touched, fuck it was huuuuuuuuuuuuge! Like it.

What Could've Been

2009-02-13T18:23:00.000-08:00

It could've been our first anniversary today. Oh well, nothing last forever eh?

Something So Addictive

2009-02-13T08:28:00.000-08:00

I made out with a guy last night. He was possibly one of the most good-looking guy I've kissed in my life. It was even better, I had to work for it. I had to steal him from someone else he was kissing. He's tall, dark, and handsome, and an excellent kisser. He has this really deep voice, very sexy. Oh he's only 18. Basically super charged with hormones. So let me say it, don't you think an 18 year old boy, and a broken hearted (and confused and drunk) boy are a good match for a playful make out session?

I gotta tell you, I didn't sleep with him. But may be I would like to just sleep next to him and hug. Believe it or not, it made me feel so good. I spent the whole day trying to figure out why it felt so good. And then I got it, those kisses and all, they make me feel attractive again. I feel like I still deserve someone to give me some attention, someone to make me feel like Im wanted.

For just one night I got to feel good about myself again, and forget about the break up, and all the insecurity that comes with it. I get it now, why people do that. Yet I won't go that far, like sleeping around. Because the effect doesn't last that long, but it is super addictive. I want more of it. I want more attention, I want to feel good again.

Day Dreaming

2009-02-11T16:50:00.000-08:00

Isn't he cute? Look at me, and smile, and I faint.

Jarome Talks About Insecurity

2009-02-05T17:50:00.000-08:00

When I think of it, I remember I couldn't deal with my insecurity. Like, I mean, Im still kinda insecure now. Breaking up sort of makes me feel even worse about myself. Im scared to talk to people about what I really feel about thing, and sometimes I overexaggerate what I really feel.

I just couldn't deal with it. I would go out, get drunk and trashed and be a total bitch. Then I would throw a glass of drink on some random annoying person on the dance floor. I would leave with my friends at the end of the night, and I remember ranting "I need a good lawyer! I need a good lawyer!" And when I woke up in the morning, I felt really aweful, I knew I shouldn't've done that. So I would drag my hungover ass and dizzy head to a supermarket, and make cakes and cookies. They sorta make me feel less guilty.